Faith

Faith grows when we step out of that boat. But not the way we like to think. We think walking on the water is when faith grows... But it's when we start to sink ( when, not if) that our faith grows. In that moment we are left to realize our weakness and need for help. In that moment that our Lord reaches down in Love and mercy to pull us up, that's when our faith grows. Because our faith is based on trusting His faithfulness, and the more we know He is trustworthy, the stronger our faith. It's not about us, it's about Him. #Israel2018 Calvary Chapel of the Finger Lakes Calvary Chapel of Webster Calvary Chapel of Orlando

My heart feels like a basketball in an NBA game. Tossed, out of bounds, dunked, stolen, turned over, caught and changing direction constantly. Hoping I'm meant for more than just this game. I know there is a battle for my heart. But I am just the ball, there seems to be nothing I can do to encourage the outcome of this game. I have to trust the team, the referee's, the coaches... Powers greater than me. Most the time I'm being tossed around too much to even know the score. I have a simple job. Be a ball. Don't deflate. Yet all this chaos seems to take my breath away. Gotta keep my head on... After all this round part of me is all that there is to a ball...

Hi again, internet world. It has been a while.

First night alone in my new place. Whirlwind of emotions surround me. Its my choice to welcome them as a hug or fight them like an attacker. This choice will decide so many things.
Bki

hi. i had too much expresso today.

i noticed this was still in draft state, i ment to publish it like a year ago. i just watched tug of war... i'm in tears. i am a woman without a blueprint, looking to my heavenly father for as many answers as i can get. my last moment with my father wasn't as nice, he told me to honer my mother as we walked to our cars. i wanted to say more to him, i wanted to say that i missed having him as a father, i wanted to be able to tell him i love him. but a barley knew him. my parents divorced before i was born and all my life my mother told me how bad my dad was. this last day with my dad was the second meeting over lunch i had with him. i had just turned 18 and was determined that since i was an adult now i would get to know my father despite my mothers wishes. i used the excuse of needing information from him for college scolorship applications since he was a veteran and i could qualify for more help. but secretly i didn't even care about college. all my life growing up i had dreamed about turning 18 and going and living with my dad and finally having that relationship with him i had longed for my whole life that my mother did everything to keep from happening. my mother was selfish and wanted her children to herself. the horrible things she told me about my father made me so scared of him that by the time i was a pre-teen i had wrote a letter to family court saying i didn't want to have visitations with my father. so ya see, on that last day i saw my dad, i was still pretending to be tough... and as we each walked to our cars i heard this clear little voice that said "this is the last time you will see your father alive, go give him a hug and tell him how you really feel" i didn't do it. i didn't want to believe that voice or admit my true feelings. ... dad, i'm so sorry... i blamed my mom for not letting me get to know him, i blamed God for letting him die just then. i blamed myself for his death, telling myself if i only would have told him, he wouldn't have died from a broken heart. i had nightmares that the cops were coming to arrest me for murder. i had thought much about killing myself. i continued to christian college since the option of staying with my dad was gone, i was on plan B. but my heart was broken and torn. i struggled with depression and confusion with God. some well meaning but ill guided Christians told me that depression was the result of selfishness sins and that i was demon possessed. i became scared of this "evil force" that i could not shake no matter what ritual people told me to try. i eventually concluded that God did not love me since he wasn't setting me free from my demons. i was drawn to evil things like witchcraft to try to explain what i was experiencing. i eventually got back into going to church but it took forever to ever realize that God really does love me and that those people were poor examples of the character and nature of God's perfect love, especially when they no longer wanted anything to do with me. i thank God for not leaving me there, i thank him so much that he came and tracked me down and brought me to the right place where the right people were able to love me out of rejecting love. it took a lot, and i was mean to them because of how much hurt got pulled back up. i accused them of rejecting me at every turn and i would reject them before they could have the chance to reject me. but they pressed on and kept loving me, they showed me the kind of love God gives his children. that love broke the curse of sin and death. that love set me free. in the year before going to Great Lakes Christian College my father had passed away in a sudden unexpected tragic way. i was not dealing with it well and didn't really want to keep my arrangement's to go to the christian college but felt obligated and thought that at least i would be around loving Christians. i fell into a depression and only revived advice like "it's not christian to be so self-c entered" and some offered suggestions of demon possession. i came to hate Christians for their lack of love and became paranoid of evil. I played around with wicca and other evils trying to understand this evil i couldn't seem to fight off. i had panic attacks and other issues. it took a long time, but God finally brought me back to Him and showed me that those people were NOT representatives of his love and character. there were only a few people i didn't feel completely abandoned by at that time and i thank them that they tried to care when everyone else turned their backs on me. i don't remember the names of some of the people who sent little notes, sometimes anonymously, but i owe a thank you to for showing love when i was at a very low spot. my dysfunctional abusive childhood also added to the confusion of how to handle my emotions. i never intended to have such issues and never meant to go to a christian college only to receive counseling as someone had also suggested. there were many times that i considered taking my own life and i had even tried a few things that didn't harm me at all. i am saying all this not to condemn, but to make aware the hurts of people, and also to say i have come to a place of understanding and forgiveness of those who didn't know how to handle me in that state of mind. as i seek now to do ministry with people with depression, past trauma and other hurts i realize just how hard and awkward this sort of thing is.

i'm gona promomte this blog, with what i have read i love this person's stuff and someday i will be writing simular stuff once i learn how to better communicate what is still locked deep within my heart. https://www.bloglovin.com/link/post?post=1981960611&blog=4386019&link=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5sZWFubmVwZW5ueS5jb20vMjAxMy8xMS8zMC90aGUtYmVzdC13YXktdG8tZmFpbC1hdC1jaHVyY2gv&group=0&frame=1&frame_type=a please visit and support

the blabber of a girl on a mission of Hope and Healing: Lord more Love of thee i need.

the blabber of a girl on a mission of Hope and Healing: Lord more Love of thee i need.

i was reading the old posts... they all hit me, but this one hits me enough to share. i wish i had indicated where the insperation for this post came from, but i didn't. it's sorta an old english way of saying "bring it on"

anxity / hyper-vigalance

Anxiety, hyper-vigilance... I HATE this feeling (good sign to moving beyond), yet I’m stuck in it... WHY? I feel like my safety is in jeopardy, surrounded by dangers I’m not strong enough to fend off myself. I see God, but maybe only superficially - half afraid of what He will say is the solution, that it will be too hard for me. "I can do all things through Christ who gives us strength" ... but I’m not sure I can be spiritual enough to change this one. Grace fills the gap for us, so I guess that's what I really need right now, the tenderness and love of God because I’m not strong enough to make my way to being better on my own. The sense of failure on my part makes me feel so undeserving, yet failure is why gives grace, and undeserving is what is required for us to realize to be able to receive it. 4000 some years of all failures before Jesus came. I hope my suffering with this issue will not compare to 4000 years... I hope I "get it" sooner than that, that I need to accept grace. I hate this anxiety. I used to think it helped to protect me, now I see it hinders allowing God to protect me- the only one who really can is God. .

Anxitys and shells

when i look at my family's level of anxity i'm amazed that i can fuction as well as i can. i never understood how my mom held down a job, i guess the line of work she was in it was a benifit to check into every worry. my brother has so much anxity that he's compleatly agoraphobic and has never been able to hold a job for long. so me... i have this shell... and i resort to this shell when life gets too scarry. and God wants me to stop resorting to the shell and lean on him. that means pressing through the fear, just like pressing through the pain to find the healing. which is different from the "have to be tough to survive" this is the "choice to be tough for the sake of alowing God to strech me" and tough is't really the word for it because it's depending on God's strangth, not my own. the only difference between the two is the deeper motive. if i'm doing something i'm scared to do then that is being streched, but if i'm doing something because i'm scared of the alternative then i'm being tough. ofcourse the line get a little fuzzy when i add that i'm scared to stay in my shell because i would rather die then to have to keep living in this fear all the time, so i hand the plans over to God of how to get me out of it, and i follow as best as i know how as He instructs me. and when things don't go as smooth as i would like should i follow the temptations to go hide back in my shell? i can't handle that bondage much longer. buissness as usual is over opens doors that would not normaly be open in church settings, but i also relize i have to have mercy on those who are not ready to take that bull fully by the horns. when love is put before buisness the church looks compleatly different, and it's offensive to those who are used to buissnes as a substitue for leaning on God for every step and decision. they got stuck on what things "should" look like. how a pastor should look and how the church should look and how the service should be planned and the systamatic way that God should be studied and the say we should pray. and it's not just the church, it's society because if a kid dosn't act they way they should in school they get put on a pill. and that excludes more than 50% of society that can't fit into the "norm" and leaves them hurt and broken. God calls us all to go out and bind up the wounds of the broken hearted, but most churches refuse to be accosiated with "those" people. but if everyone took an honest humble look at themselves they would see that they are no different than "those" people. then they can start to drop their fake status quo acts and start being real, then that opens their hearts for God to make some real changes in them instead of just being pew warmers and going through the motions. and a change like that is rarly slow and suddle, it's a toss caution to the wind and jump off the cliff into God's arms not just waiting till life pushes us off the cliff and we try to hang on for dear life... it's realizing that we are standing on the cliff of our own strangth and running and jumping off. it's trusting that God can see us through any difficult scarry thing. once we jump off the cliff, thats when we can mount up on wings like eagles, run and not grow werry... when we let go of the need to do it all ourselves and surrender our life and will over to God. so the answer to if it's being tough or if it's being streched is more simply surrender. funny how it still keeps comming back to that word that seems to have started this all. and it's the word that works for "these" people and for "those" people alike. because those used to church looking a certain way need to surender to God changing things and that's just as hard as these people getting used to alowing God to manage their life and not lean on the own strangth and understanding, and really the these and the those are doing the exact same thing yet still see eachother on opposite sides of the fense. there are many things that bind all humans togther with the whole earth of other humans, having feelings is one of them, because even the coldest of person has feelings, they just shut them off because the pain of holding on to them was too much to handle, so some of the hardest criminals were actully the most sensitive of heart at the start, the trick is getting people to look deeper than their protective tough outter shell. we could come up with a whole list of things that bind all humans togther... like the need for love, surrender, the need for God. being real and open about the needs of humans is what will bring them in with hungry eyes looking for that freedom to stop pretending. that freedom is only in Jesus who's name can break every chain.
this is the type of stuff i post on facebook all the time, i'm gaining a following of people who read my every post, even when i post 10 status updates a day. people eat this stuff up, atleast those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are desperate and hungry for something more. the gates will open and the people will flood in when they see that this is what is being offered. i don't know if i will ever be able to alow God to streach me enough to be able to speak these things like this, but for now it seems no one is ready to hear it in the church anyway. maybe that's why we are being called out to the highways and byways... maybe we can't wait for church people to get it, that the needs of the lost and dieing are too urgent to wait for "typical christians" to get involved. maybe they will not catch on untill they see that it will work to win the hearts of the people. and i know this isn't just me and my "theology" of sorts, because i am hearing it and seeing it pop up everywhere in little peices. the church people may forever scolff at the idea of giving a susan boyle looking person a chance because they have forgoten that God dosn't look at the surface, He looks at the heart. it seems the world is quicker to give the odd balls a chance than the church is, so the church is so backwards from the heart of God. they read into the scricptures to prove their own agaendas rather then alow God and His nature to inturperate what it really means. the church is more blind and in bondage that they realize because even if it is presented in a perfectly make sense way, they still will not understand. they lack the wisdom knowladge and understanding to be able to see God's character outside their box. i see these things so clearly at times yet i can never seem to put them in words, and when i do the people who listen are too confused blinded and bound to ever understand. so i may be fighting a hopeless war, but if i had let the hopelessness stop me i would never have made it this far. i can do all things through christ who gives me strangth. and that strangth includes the courage to come out of my shell... and even if people want to shove me back in that shell, i need to keep comming out and taking a stand because that is what God has set for me to do, and i know my life, my health, my everything that keeps getting better in my life is because i keep pursuing what God wants for me and not my own comfort. i'm sold out yet still being held down by those who are not ready yet. yet if i don't practice now i will not be ready to launch when the time is right. and it's not about me taking a stage, because i would love to see others do so, expessialy if God can do it better through someone else, i'm humble like that, i'm also scared like that. so for me to speak up is surrender for me. and it seems the more not ready i feel the more God pushes me forward , so i'm more ready when i'm not ready... and i know i will get things wrong and screw stuff up but we learn by experance, the more we fail the more we learn, the more the mistakes the more we have oportunity to grow. i like someone's reply to my facebook posts one day.... they said that God never wastes a single tear or hurt, only people waste such things, and they waste them by wallowing in them and not using them as a medium for change. tears arw like the water in the pool, floating objects are so much eaiser to move than things on dry land... how do you move a mountain? put it in a pool of tears and let the water or spirit do the work.
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Whenever we try to skip a step we end up having to come back and repeat it. the short cut is just an illusion that keeps us thinking we are moving forward while we are still just traped. Running from the pain only numbs the feelings, both the good and the bad. it takes more courage to face it than to avoid it. there is no perfect time to start. it's important to remeber that it dosn't have to be perfect the first time, sometimes we have to just try to get the momentum moving, theres time to perfect the process later. if we are to live in the truth and the light in life changing ways then every word of the bible tends to get reframed in the mind from when it was read from the tough it up and judgmental mindset. we can always read something and twist it to fix what we want. in high school our english teacher had us read a poem and we each had to write about it's meaning. we all had differnt answers on what it ment. then he pulled out what the author intended it to mean and that was compleatly differnt from what the author had later wrote to explain it. with this in mind we can understand why there is so much false doctrine, intense theologies and fighting beweeen churches. everyone holds tight to what it means to them but never see God outside of the box of their own understanding. without the holy spirit it is impossible to see beyond our own perpectives. then there is the fear of change and that carries some pride of not wanting to admit we could ever be wrong. we all try to self comfort our life's because we havn't learned how to fully rely on God and eachother. then there's the people who never try to self-comfort, they can only begg others for comfort. usally because of lack of good role models of how to handle pain. theres gota be a balance somewhere there. that's a fuzzy area still. bearing with oneanother is hard, expessialy when our own pain is crying from deep inside and begging for the healing touch. then we build resentments toward those who do ask for help. i don't know what the end product of all this work will look like, i don't want to try to put it into a mold before God molds it in His way. it just will not be right like that. i tried to fit into molds my mom had of me with being rebecca of sunny brook farm... and i nievely accepted my mothers mold of my father instead of getting a chance to know who he was for myself. i'm well practiced in trying to make things look right on the outside while everything inside is out of place. it will always be a temptation to skip the steps and make it all look good, expessialy when societys pressures to buck up to be more acceptable and fun to be around. then messages about not being self centered and self seeking get scewed into pretending away the pains. pain that can't go away with distracting the mind needs to be taken to the great physisian. some pains will work themselves out with just a little time, love and a hug, some need to be talked through with someone to process it. and someone not used to processing it will need a lot of extra time on that step till they learn some skills to do it themselves. i don't think anyone truly enjoys being a burden on others, maybe there are a few weirdos out there. i'm glad the bible says to bear with oneanother eachothers burdens, but so many people have been stuffing for so long they can't help with someone elses burdens because their own are too much to bear. God's yoke is easy and He is the sorce of rest and strangth while walking this long dark hard roads. whenever it feels like to much we just cry out to Him. we are never alone in our pain like that because He is always near. surrender and cry out is all that it takes to access that spirit place of rest and strangth. There is no perfect time to start. there may only be moments to let small peices out for a little while, but that gets the momentum going. hopeing for a moment when the schedual is clear for a langth of time then expecting that we can just sit down and start the process that we have been holding off on... it dosnt work that easy... that's a buisness aproch to emotions, and emotions will not conform to the molds we often wish they would. the longer it's held on to the harder it is to get it to come out when the oportunity arises. holding on for another day makes it hurt more in the long run. doing one thing a day to let a little bit out becomes very important. time dosn't heal many types of wounds, and those type will get worse when ignored then when they do come out it's a lot more ugly and dramatic than organally required. so think about 1 thing a day minimum. what can ya do today. what one thing can you write about it or draw a picture about or make a song about. we have to make the time. even if it's a 15 min. break. when i first started dealing with stuff i would keep something with me, usally my blankie, but it can be a small object of any choicing. and whenever i had that object in my had was "ok" time to process a little. then when it was time to get back to work and life the object would be put away. my blanki helped alot, it absorbed the tear

Hope and Healing in HIM (playlist)

Bathwater baby

My faith was like the baby in the bathwater, when it got too furstrating that it wasnt working it all got tossed out. but the baby want real, it was a lego sculpture that i tried to build myself and breath life into. when i tossed it all out the legos shattered apart. when the time became right God had me go start colecting the peices and start to rebuild according to His plan. when all the peices got put where He wanted them, He breathed into this baby and i was given new life.
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RE: From bki.dream@gmail.com

It seems the current lessons are to break me of my remaining self-sufficent toughness. im not doing to well at surrendering to that... i was only ever loved for what i could do and never for who i was. my feeling thoughts and moods were always unacceptable behaviors, so its very hard to let anyone into this place in me that has been condemed as a waste land for so long. the walls of toughness stand tall and thick, but God has been knocking out some bricks one by one. unforently everything that has built up on this side of the wall is really ugly, smelly and intense. so as this sewage starts to leak out it effects those around me in what i have been taught as negative ways. im so afraid of losing tender relationships, i really never learned proper social stuff, it was all bad messages of shame.

Social difficulties perspective from a girl living in a closet.

Living from one extreme to the other is such a destructive cycle; it destroys not only ourselves but also the relationships around us. Even harder is learning how to stop it. knowing where to draw the lines, knowing what is the baby and what is the bath water, because it if were as easy as picking up a baby then this cycle wouldn’t have been going this long. There is so much confusion and mixed messages and reading into all the wrong things. I wish I could read the language the instruction manual was written in. but maybe that’s the problem, I’m trying to figure it out logically because I’m so afraid to feel from my heart because of how much pain is there. The longer I live the more it feels like all the "education" I had has no real value. maybe that because my life was overly stressed with education and there was no balance, it was all about getting smart and proving one’s self... and now that mentality is nothing but destructive to every good thing God is giving me. I guess God really is remaking me, I guess the need to die to self and be born again is truly very important. I think about all the social rules my mother tried to teach me... with her social anxieties included... this is where I have to sort out what is what, and on my own power, I am clueless. if you ask my friends they would say that I don't care at all about the social rules, that's because the only time they see me is when I toss out everything and get brave enough to go against all my mother’s rules... when I’m living under my mother’s rules I am hiding in a closet crying that no one knows that I’m crying and no one helps me even though they have no way of knowing because it's socially unacceptable to ask and be needy. I don't know how to make peace with these two waring sides of me. I don't know how to find the middle ground. I have no clue what the balance looks like. But God knows. and so many things I have learned from God, yet this social stuff is slightly different because I can't learn it from sitting in a closet with my bible talking to God, there has to be social experiences happening, that means I have to step outside and risk the hurts to myself and risk that I’m going to hurt my friends. I don't like risks, I live so cautiously... except when I toss out all my mother’s rules... then I’m reckless and dangerous... then I do hurt people and just run and cry in my closet again. I don't know if "normal non-abused" people go through this, but I know most abuse survivors do unless they had some person in their life that really showed them the ropes of this stuff. Living life so locked in these patterns, never experiencing true freedom, tossing it all out isn't the same as true freedom. Sitting down and reading a list of rules of social things doesn’t help, I’ve tried that... it just added more shame and guilt. I think I need to approach it from the opposite side, removing one rule at a time. Living from the heart is hard, very hard. It’s hard to stay here and not put up my defenses whenever there is a potential offense. I live behind so many walls and fences and all these things that divide my soul and keep me from being whole. And I wish it could just all be changed instantly and at once, I wish I could just forget the past and have everything be healed, but it doesn’t work like that. I should know, I think I’ve tried it more times than most people; my stubborn strong will has been hard at work. trying to please everyone yet trying to find freedom for myself... two extremes that keep me from focusing on what God wants... and I’m not claiming I know what that is, I’m still searching and breaking down one wall at a time to get a clearer picture, because from where I sit in this fleshly human condition I can never fully know or fully understand, but unless I start working on one thing at a time I will forever be completely blinded. I’m sure people will read this and think I’m nuts and wonder why it's so hard and what the big deal is about... either they haven’t had the same experience or they are not yet to the place that they can understand this yet, so if ya don't get it, just don't judge. Just listen, and keep listening and maybe I will eventually be able to put it in terms you can understand. Words are not my strong point, when I’m typing it gets easier, but speaking is almost impossible. That has to do with this closet I live in far away from social contacts. I need this healing so bad, so please forgive me when I break the rules, when I get desperate and needy, and also when I pull away and hide and become too scared to say what is wrong. out of sight out of mind is probably worse than in your face and annoying, please don't be afraid to pry into my world when I’m pushing away, in a way that still respects my space, I may keep trying to hide but I will know that you care and that you love me. I will still be trying to figure out how much I can really trust, and that is a long process to earn my trust. And while you are working on that I will also be working on learning how to give mercy, because in my child like mind I can only trust you if you do everything perfectly. Maybe that's because of what seemed to be the expectation of me for so long, I was only acceptable when I was being perfect, adorable, cute, helpful, loveable... I was never accepted when I was emotional or unpleasant. and I am learning that I have to allow God to accept me in those times before I can accept than anyone else can me accepting on me then. my view of God is tainted by how adults in authority in my life treated me so it really takes a long time for me to get a clear picture of who God is and His true character, and yes I’m studding that and allowing God to give me the experiences to help me see that it is true. Healing cannot come unless I am doing this part, the me and God part. No one can fix me or heal me, but God can use very special people in my life at the right times to help me understand what I need to know. And I can easily lose the balance of that and start to think it's all about the people when it's really all about God because all the hurts were about people, God didn't hurt me, people did. And it seems odd to think that something other than the source of pain can heal the pain, but truly, that's the only thing that can. So all the co-dependant enablers are only going to cause me to get worse and not better. Please don't try to help an abuse survivor unless you are closely walking in step with the Holy Spirit and seeking God's wisdom knowledge and understanding on every step. Usually what people see and try to figure out from what they see is opposite of the truth, because what I show is overcompensating for the lies I believe, so when I’m trying to make everyone happy and going to the ends of the earth to do so, what people see is a meddling annoying person that is in it for themselves that doesn’t seem to care about the needs of others. This is true on so many things, this is why it takes so long to get to the truth of things, because even I knowing the truth requires an awareness of such things that only God can give. Healing cannot happen outside of God, coping, yes maybe, but not healing.

By Your Side Lyrics Tenth Avenue North Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face, just don't turn away Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run, to where will you run? 'Cos I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Look at these hands at my side They swallowed the grave on that night When I drank the world's sin So I could carry you in and give you life I wanna give you life And I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you 'Cause I, I love you, I want you to know That I, yeah I love you, I'll never let you go No, no And I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side My hands are holding you

God's Work In Progress: God, Gays, and Chick-fil-A: An Examination of the ...

I LOVE this! thank you stacey!

God's Work In Progress: God, Gays, and Chick-fil-A: An Examination of the ...: I can only speak for myself, but I have a slight hunch that I might be speaking for all of us who work at Chick-fil-A when I say this: We ...

Stop fliping out.

Ive survived worse so i guess i should just not worry so much about not being able to pull out of each emotional spiral... start to trust that God will catch me everytime. trust in a logical and not emotional way. still that dosnt really make the emorional space much easier. idk. so ready to just withdraw from the world, but maybe that would be a good thing. maybe relationships were never ment to work out for me. maybe im just in that emotional funk when nothing seems like it will ever be right just so i learn to trust God more. and maybe if i stoped fighting Him, He would help me get there faster. and maybe i shouldnt consider restructuring my life plans and all my relationships when im in a bad mood. im just sick of the bad moods. but i guess thats like being sick of breathing stinky air... it just has to happen sometimes... so if i practice acceptance of such things as a part of life, maybe i will not get as wacked out about every little thing. maybe its up to God and not up to me to lable or unlable things as hopeless and maybe i should trust that He sees and knows more than i do. maybe someday He will change me enough so that ppl dont see me as such a hopeless cause. maybe. someday. Sent with Verizon Mobile Email

My heart aches; my head doubts all that I should know I stepped forward in faith, yet fell on my face When I questioned if that was really you calling my name How shallow I must seem to you How fragile and easily confused Undeserving of any further consideration from you My life I lay before you You reach down, and take my hand You lift me up from this mud I put myself in So undeserving of your love, yet your grace pours out to wash me clean I don’t have to pretend I have it all together I don’t have to hide my tears from you You hold them in your hand then lay them on the ground Where the seed of love was perfectly placed To grow me into a child of your own. Love so amazing, grace so complete You hold nothing good back from me When I seek your face You love me anyway You bring beauty from these ashes Like nothing in life that I’ve ever known I seek to seek you more than anything on this earth For that is what is required For me to understand how much you loved me When you sent your son to the cross for me Dying in shame He who deserved to be crowned highest king and richest in the world The lowest of deaths, yet I claim that my life is unfair How shallow I must seem to you Undeserving of any further consideration My mind says run and hide in shame Still I seek you still You lift me up from this mud I put myself in So undeserving of your grace, yet you wash me clean Such a perfect love that no human can ever give Love so amazing, grace so complete You hold nothing good back from me When I seek your face Now you call out to me, to take all that you have given Look to my side and pass it along To learn to love like you do To see past the faults and guide others to a better place with Grace With the strength that only you can give You ask me to stand in the gap For those who are far from where you are And even when they spit in my face Like they did many times to you Stay faithful to the cause Because you loved me anyway Long before I seeked you You were calling my name I fought and cursed you Pushed you as far away as I could I nailed you to that cross I put those thorns on your brow I pierced your side Hoping you would die and leave me alone And stop telling me how much you want me Yet you loved me anyway And when I seeked your face You held nothing good back from me You washed the history clean with your grace And you loved me like I was always your own Love so amazing, grace so complete

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL264EA592C0BE1126&feature=mh_lolz

This mornings words

This morning... the differnce beween 3am at mt. zion vs the 3am here.... well spiritual position difference.... at mt. zion i placed myself in Gods hands compleatly and just listened to what He had to say and wrote it down, alowing Him to pick the topics and guide the conversation. here i talk to God and half hazerdly alow His hand to guide my thoughts to where He wants to speak to me... here God's hand leads me, but greater it was there when i was in God's hand compleatly. When im only following God's hand the temptaion is there to try to force and direct His hand to what I want. it is simply not as effective.
one of the challenges God is giving me right now is to find deeper security in Him and trust Him more. sin is simply defined as missing the perfect mark. the root of sin is not trusting God and the modivation for sin is trying to find security outside of God. its not a list of rules of right and wrong, its about drawing closer to where God is. seeking Him, desiring to be where He is. if we are not there yet, we can ask God to fill us with that desire. we have not because we ask not. ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock on Gods door and He will answer. i used to feel like i was tryimg to force God to love me, to earn my way into His love like some adopted child that just was hard to love. i kept seeking God, i asked Him boldly if i was His child ... He answered with His love. He showed me things i couldnt learn from a book or have anyone else teach me. seek Him. seek first the kingdom of heaven and God's rightousness, then all these things that we Need will be added... even what we didnt know that we needed... and God will strip away the things we thought we needed but only trip us up and hinder our veiw of Him.

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL264EA592C0BE1126 Hope and Healing in HIm youtube chanel .. also check out my grace chanel.

All my life i have listened to the lies that im worthless and incapable of having any value to anyone. i longed so much for aproval and acceptance. then i relaized i valued the wrong things... when i changed my focus to God and started to seek only His heart, that's when i found my value... from Him and through Him and to Him ... are all things.
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FW: Trust the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding

Subject: Trust the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding

Sometimes the lessons are to go deeper in an area of life... trust the Lord with all of you heart, lean not on your own understanding. in all of your ways acknowlage the Lord and He will make your path straight. dare to experiance how deep that promise goes and just how straight and easy that path can become. surrender your heart to the Lord God forever. His ways are higher He is our provider. His love cast out all fears...

Oh what peace we often fordfit, oh what needless pain we bear

oh what peace we often forfit, oh what needless pain we bear... all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer. even if we think God will not have an answer for the small thing, if we assume that and not give Him the chance we are cutting off the chance for a blessing. when we are quick to respond to a teaching with saying its not for us before we prayerfuly consider if God is trying to tell us something through that person, we are cutting off a chance for God to bless us and grow us. often the things we dismiss the fastest are the things God wants us to hear the most because the devil wants us to hear it the least. the power that was released into my life when i got this lesson has been an unstopable force for God. without this power i would accomplish nothing and just keep beating my head against the wall in frustration that things are not moving fast enough or going right. it changed from being in the wrong place at the wrong time to always being in the right place at the right time and having that overwhelming experiance of being God's child, loved and accepted by Him. it gave me the power to defeat the devil in areas he had me traped before, the power to overcome things that i never believed possible. Sent with Verizon Mobile Emai

Lord more Love of thee i need.

Once earthly joy i craved, sought peace and rest; now thee alone i seek; give what is best: this all my prayer shall be, more love, o christ to thee. more love to thee, more love to thee!
let sorrow do its work, send grief and pain; sweet are thy messengers, sweet their refrain, when they can sing with me, more love O Christ to thee, more love to thee, more love to thee.
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Because of what Christ has done for me, i make this declairation

Because of what Christ has done for me, i make this declareation that i will be patient and kind. i will not boast or take pride in myself. i will not be reckless in my ways with others. i will not insist on my own way. i will not be eaisly provoked. i will not ponder the ways of evil or take joy in unrightous ways or joking, i will find my joy only in the truth, remebering that Jesus is the way the truth and the life. i will endure patiently the trials of the lessons of life with trust and faith in God's plan for my spiritual well-being. and i will place the well-being of others into God's hands and not carry on about their faults and stir up strife. I will ask God to help me in all these areas knowing that if i keep all of these things i will have power through God to do all things in His plan for me.

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the lessons never end in prepairing me for this ministry (and being compleatly healed whole and set free myself)... and they dont get eaiser either... well atleast yet... im hopeful that the biggies will all be done soon... my fear is being delt with... that moment when something scarry happens and sudenly im a little girl again running to the closet to hide... God is putting lots of those moments in my path. learning to deal with ppl when im terrified of them... and not just deal with them.... deal with them in Love.... my heart is being cut to the core while im shaking in my boots... my trust in God has to grow in all areas to rise through this lesson. trust in Him as my protector...which was the last lesson... so this is the rubber meets the road part... it is amazing how God puts all this in the right order.

FW: Separation

ive been wanting to study more about how the shepherd leads and protects sheep... seems like everytime i hear something about it, it is such a good lesson. there are so many things i want to study more... i want to hurry up and learn so i can get past my flaws faster... but when im learning im whinning about how harsh the lessons are. ive carried the christian lable since i was 13 ... other than a few years of unitarian wican and a few other self made creative names ... yet i still feel like such a baby christian in so many ways. its like im learning everything again with new eyes... everything i thought i knew about God and life and everything... He is the potter and He does break us down and build us back up... i spent time on potters wheels... if ya take too long making a vase then the bottom dries out and flys off the wheel... its back to square one with re wetting all the clay and mixing it all togther again... its a very messy job... everything within 5 foot of the wheel gets covered in the slop water that keeps the clay wet... i can picture other vases and things waiting to be made getting anoyed at the slop mess comming from the vase on the wheel... i can hear the vase being sensitive and crying about the ugly mess it is creating in the potters hands... all the slop that gets splashed on the bystanders... to be a bystander... splashed by mud... no real change happening in their own shape and probaly feeling like they dont have a chance of being more than they are... stuck... splashed apon when they are trying their hardest to keep themselves clean... since it is all up to themselves at that time since they have not put themselves in the potters hands... they are broken pottery laying around waiting.. their peices scattered... trying themselves to protect what is left of themselves. shatter... hopeless... i spent a lot of my life in that spot. i still keep triping over myself thinking its up to me to fix and preserve myself... genneraly its been taking 2 weeks with each lesson ... 2 weeks before i relize i have to put it in Gods hands compleatly... 2 weeks to get through the steps and backsteps and the whole dance before surender. the roller coaster of it all... it gets to be a long werry road and i want that instant matrix style download so i can jump up and know how to do all the kung foo instantly... and sometimes God does simular to that with grace and wisdom... i can drive myself beyond crazy second guessing myself then when im sure of something i drive myself crazy thinking everyone else is second guessing me. i love it when im in the spirit... but then i wonder what everyone else is thinking of me and if they aprove... its like i need reasurance all the time... my mother never did the reasurance and good job stuff... she thought it would give me a big head.... so instead i have this whillwind of insanity to fight in my head. and i dont even know why im going on with all this right now... i guess its a menstral mood thing or something... im just so amazed at everything i see God doing... i did photography for a vbs 2 years ago... the little bracelett i still ware i got from there says "watch for God" at first i had to really look hard to see Him... i knew He was there but i wasnt experiancing Him... now im experiancing Him in so many overwhelming ways. i still feel so unworthy to be a part of Him. i still feel ppl look at my flaws and think im not a part. i know the trials im going through are to secure me in Him. i know the whispers in my ear from the devil that im just an anoying step child that isnt really wanted ... im just an obligation to Him... not really loved... God is breaking all that and healing all that so the devils arrows can no longer peirce my un armored heart. i know im still a pain in the butt to many ppl... but He is healing that too... i hope... i hope i get it right eventually... i hope i dont anoy too many ppl in the process... i have gone through so many sets of friends... so many groups of ppl... manybe they didnt get as tired of me as i thought they did... maybe i ran before giving them a real chance... maybe i wasnt ready for a real chance. i am now... but i worry that if something bad does happen that i wouldnt be able to handle another fail... but im seeing that God is there to catch me... and He provides the stranth to get through anything... but i dont want to have to go through everything... but the refining makes things more pure... more pure... i was so unpure... so unclean... i dont know how God can really get all those stains out... He is God... so he can do anything... but why does he bother with such messes... why does He keep holding on to things so dfar gone... He sees potental... is it possible that He really loves me that much to really see me through all this... thats a lot of junk to wade through... yet He keeps picking me up out of it every time... everytime i ran back to the swamp because i felt it was all i deserved.... He waited for the right time to offer me His hand to pull me back out. He waited till i desiered so much to be out of that muck that i would choice to ignore that lier that kept telling me that it was all that i deserved... with all the hope i could muster up to barly whisper out to Him for help... He was there. and even though i often feared He would drop me and leave me in the muck... i had to just stay with Him and give Him that chance... He keeps proving time and time again that He is faithful... trustable, dependable... how many time i wouldnt give anyone a chance... the first sign of troubles i would run... fearfull of abandonment... thinking if i cut the string first then it wouldnt hurt as bad. i need to get this story out to all those still there... all those still not sure that God will be faithful, all those beliving that they dont deserve the Love He has for them. i know abuse survivors are in that spot... but many others are too that grew up in fairly normal homes... anyone who questioned if they are loveable... ever... im guessing that is everyone at some point in their life. and i know many of those ppl walk around churches calling themselfs christians and dressing like one and talking like one as best as they know how... hoping that they will look enough like one to be grafted into Gods love... hoping they can do enough and be enough... they are the goats... and the marths and eores and the bobs... and all the other names we put on them... they are also the perfect looking family that seems to have it all togther. lets get real and help eachother heal.

FW: hope and healing in Him

the walls that we build to keep us safe also eeps out love. serves only to thicken the fears in our hearts that we are never good enough or strng enough to face life on lifes terms. sometume in our frustration and restlessness we jump out of our box with reckless abandonment with an unprepaired soul that is a magnet for all that is scarry and bad. there is a right way to do it. when we are ready yo face the hard qwork... the Teacher will arive. the resulting chqanges can shock us all. LORD teach me your holy ways. psalms 20:7 do not trust in the things in this temporary world. only the wise seek God.

the books im reading

so comments on the books im reading on .y kindle are shared on my social networks... too bad they are not shared here... these books make me think. and as much as i want a break from lifes lessons and all that i know that the break is heaven and to wish for heaven on earth is foolish. the realitys of life and this world are depressing... this is a depraved fallen orld. we live in a state of seperation from all that i good. sepwratuon from GOd. although we can have apersonal relationship with him we still reside in this fallen world untill he calls us home.

cancer

the last few weeks have been scaarry and exusting as my friend with cancer has hit some really scaarry bumps in the road... the delicate alance of hope vs acceptance...

blogging on my kindle

blogging from my kindle waiting for christmas eve service to start. im aware of how emotionaly tangled this season is for me. as much as i try to deny my liking for worldl goods... i am depressed thinking i deserve nothing for christmas every year...santas bad list and all... so when presents come a bit of releaafe comes.

i had to take the oportunity to prove that i am not as red as a lobster as people claimed i am.

Money for Nothing - Dire Straits

the #1 song when i turned 5. i remeber this music video....

whats wrong now

for some reason i have a hard time conecting my emotiuonal issues iwth the reasons that is causieng the issues. it's like i don't expect to have an emotional reaction to the things in life... or manybe not expect to have as strong of an emotional reaction as i do. it's like a part of me expects to go though life with an all scientific antalitical perspective and another part of me has only an emotional reaction ... and the two sides don't comunicate. ... google here i come....
ok, two of a million some leads aply to what i feel i am experiancing...
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=8&ved=0CDoQFjAH&url=http%3A%2F%2Fptsd.about.com%2Fod%2Fselfhelp%2Fa%2Femotionbeliefs.htm&ei=mrxlTLCcFML38Aa_2ZnZCA&usg=AFQjCNGj7LHjk_GjggvrDW-X28QefzCtCA&sig2=k_kzpjZ6DQzpk041XEUZ8g
and
http://www.ldpride.net/emotions.htm

misbelifes about my emotions and shame and fear about what people might think about me if they knew more about me, this fits in so many ways to this week... i was having some difucultys with my meds and i was so scared that if i didn't straghten it out that people would think that i am not compedent enough to handle my own life.



ok this line "people with PTSD might try to block the expression of positive emotions because they worry that it will make them vulnerable "

i feel like with my friends i either have to be fake and put on a got it all toghter act or i'm vulnerable... and with friends i'm willing to be vulnerable... but... i'm worried that i make myself too vulnerable.... idk... some things are still bugging me... that delicate balance between myself and another person... i guess i just feel like i can never have a true healthy relationship with anyone... thus i'm still single, live by myself... my life is constant chos... i feel like i need to learn to love and trust, but i also feel like i'm setting myself up for devistation if i alow myself to be vulnerable... guess i'm back to my theroy that life would be so much eiser if i was a hermet.

My Mom, the Narcissist: The Ramifications of Being Raised by a Narcissist, Page 3 of 3 - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com

My Mom, the Narcissist: The Ramifications of Being Raised by a Narcissist, Page 3 of 3 - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com: "Learn to control your reactions to them and realize that, if you find yourself in a situation where you need support or validation, you will need to find it somewhere else. Since the narcissist is incapable of empathy and cannot see outside of themselves, they will be unable to help you."



yeah, i no longer dought that my mother is narcissistic... i'm glad that i finaly found a lable that fits her perfectly... yet i still feel like i'm lacking something major from the picture... maybe because i realize that i will never get what i need from my mother and problom of mine will only be a "poor refection" on her, that everything she does for me should be given such extreem praise and admeration, that i should always be at her beccon call, that if i am not exactly who she wants me to be giving up myself compleatly then i will never be a good enough person to her, that i can only be acnolaged for what i do and not just simply for who i am, that she will never be alble to see her own falts, that she will over react to any type of critisim, that she will never be afraid to speak her mind when it comes to the stock pile of critisim she has to hand out, and that whenever company is around she will put on the perfect act so that everyone will admire her and think that there must be something wrong with me for having issues with her. oh, and that she will always think her ways of doing things is the best way so whenever she gets the chance she will rearange my house, buy me things that she thinks i should like and insist that i must like them because SHE picked it out, and always expect to be given back anything she has given to anyone and the first hint of wanting it back.

i wonder who i really whould have been if i hadn't have grown up trying to please an unpleasable mother at the expence of my own self.

things that bug be

the dirty list... pet peeves and more.
people trying to talk to me when i am not when i am not in the room paying attention or feel like talking.
people screaming things over large distances to another person ... just walk over to them.. lazy a....
people ignoring me when i talk and not having at least the consideration of saying " i hear you but I'm just not listening"
people yelling at me as if I'm a kid that doesn't know any better and needs to be corrected and punished... come on now, not only is that disrespectful but that is down right belittling. i don't know of anyone with even the smallest amount of self respect that wouldn't be bothered by that.
people obsessively focused on being petty ... like ignoring you if you don't say please (beyond joking around) along these lines are people that are so focus on the way they think things should be done that only their way counts and they can't dare to think outside their box and maybe even stop to think that the person they are dealing with is more important that the issue they are dealing with so actually have some leniency with people and cut them a little slack before they get so stressed from trying to meet you ever growing list of ways to be perfect without ever getting an "that-a-boy" that they end up going bazerko and exploding when they couldn't stand just one more small criticism....
what ever happened to treating people with the same respect that you want other to treat you with? are we becoming a society that is so disconnected to one another because of all our media addiction that we no longer have a clue how to treat others.
how about if you feel that someone is having an attitude with you instead of getting all pissy at them try to ask them if they are feeling ok... show concern and understanding first. i guess i see this most with parents dealing with teenagers ... yes they need to learn respect but if every time they answer one of your questions you accuse them of having an attitude... where do you really think that is going to get you? respect people as individuals with the right to make decision for themselves.
if someone needs space... don't force yourself on them. if they are trying to get away from you... give them room. don't force an issue that they are not ready to face... talk about when they will be ready ... what will help them feel ready .. .and how you can know when they are ready... don't corner them and make them feel like doing something extreme to get away from you. that is predatory and controlling. even if you have you preconceived ideas about their motives still give them a chance and take them seriously for a minute ... what will it hurt to give them a minute? you will gain a lot of respect by doing so.
and when all fails and you end up in a argument... respect the space, and don't blame, talk about the issues if need be, but don't get into a "you said, you did" it just reignites the fire and accomplishes nothing.
people who brag about who they know... really what is the purpose of that? unless i am interested in knowing more about someone specifically that you know... talking about all your famous friends is just bragging and truthfully annoying. God is not a respecter of persons... he does not value one person more than another...watching you do it even though you claim to following the Christan life style of becoming more like Christ... sorry if that rubs me the wrong way ... and if you didn't notice... i wasn't really listening .. yet you keep talking... back to the first pet peeve.
whew.. i think ya get the point.

then and now

last week was pms... every trouble seemed super amplified and i wanted to hide from the world. this week just as many problems, maybe even worse, and i shrug them off. what else am i to do?
everyone is poor - everyone is struggling - everyone is wondering what is going to happen next. if predictions are right things are about to get worse as countries start declaring bankruptcy and our own country gets plunged into a bank holiday where no one can get any money at all.
the environment is a mess, and people seem to think that God will save us from the mess we have made, but that's not his style, he teaches us and give us consequences for things we have done wrong. God save us? he saves our souls - but this planet that he made for us and we are trashing and leveling the mountains to get more coal to have more electricity when if we were just more realistic in our demands we would be fine....

vocal entries

i now use VMAIL from my phone to post vocal entries

so....

sigh.... just one of those moments. nothing is perfect, chos abounds, demands are high and i'm so low. yippi ya it's a nother human day in the life of the living.

tired.

i'm tired. sometimes i long for a "home" other times i wish i could just stay in one place longer without anyone hasseling me. i know i get tired of finding ways to charge my cell phone and computer and finding ways to cook meals. granola bars just seem to lack something after a while.

another day, another hour - homeless life -

ok, here i am, squating at the county fair grounds. i dont know what to do anymore, i'm so exusted. i'm out of money, food, gas and it's only the beginning of the month. i dont know how this happens, and everyone says i have enough money to live on. i dont get it.
ive got a lot of messes to sort out. just thinking about them makes me want to go back to sleep. "camping" was kinda cool at first. but i'm worn out and want to go home now.. but there is no home. i've meet others that are also living intheir cars, i'm not sure how they keep up their energy. atleast right now i'v spread out my stuff in a campsite so it's a little bit eiser. i want to learn about backpacking, the consept of carring nothing more with you than you can carry on your back. do away with this exess stuff. bear nessesitys. a simplier life. less stress. less hassle. mpore fun time. mopre time to think about what i really want out of life other than how to survive this next moment. i see how homeless people get traped. ya get too busy trying to survive the day and have no time to make an exscape plan back to "normal" life.

it's tough to do what is right and not let your emotions take control

yes, i know. i know what i need to do. my emotions are a wild bull bucking at every attempt to do what needs to be done. i know it's not the end, at least i hope not. but i guess you can never really know when your walking by faith and everything is black around you. cold darkness. fears from the past make reactions to current life so outa wack. fighting away all that i know to be illogical, hoping i'm not missing something that will trip me up. yes i do want to know God's will. i'm usably afraid to even want to know because i'm afraid i would only disappoint him. but right now i do want to know if i'm going the right direction or if i'm just making a big mistake. i'm torn between what i want to do, what is logical and what i think God is calling me to do. i don't think i'm ready for the step i'm about to take. 25:36... time until i start this new journey. i pretend to be brave, but i am scared. i want to cry out and scream for them not to let me go because i'm afraid i will be letting go forever, and i don't want to lose what has been, or possibly had been, that's another hard thing to know. if i trust them and believe that they are telling me the truth than all will go fine. but that's the problem... my trust. And maybe this is just right, that i take this big step and still trust. i'm just so afraid of having my heart broken again. how many pieces can a heart be in and still function? i know i'm strong, i've made it though so much. that was physical. this is emotional. and ya i've made it though a lot, but letting go of built up walls of false beliefs that i have used to protect myself for so long, and trust my heart to God. trust that my father, my king, my savior is not leading me to a place of self-destruction, but it leading me out of it to a place of His love. all the straws that i grasp for to keep my l ife afloat, i need to let go of. trying to heal my own wounds and not seek the help of the great healer... has got to change. 25: 27 the clock ticks away. how am i going to sleep tonight? God looks after the sparrow... he clothes the grass of the fields, how much more will he care for me, his child. how great a love, how can it be, let his grace about to me. let his love heal all my wounds and make me whole. from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, all i need is Him. He will take care of me and make sure everything turns out ok. my heart is so broken that people say they love me, people say good things about me, but i can never let it in. and it hurts. to hold on to all this pain. to think everyone who cares is going to be the next one to hurt me. this life has got to change. i go back and forth from terror and and fear to God given peace. i'm scared to be in this world alone, but i am not alone, God is with me. i have my friends, but i know i will be separated from them at times. the comforts of life will be taken away from me. i will find new ways to survive that do not depend on those straws, but on God. like eligha wondering the desert preparing the way of the Lord. living off the land, the locus and honey... ok maybe honey... but there is no way i'm eating bugs! the mission trip in my own state.

worlds lousest person award

so i feel like shit plus anything worse than shit. so i just need to vent, but i can't, because who knows who will find out what i am thinking and feeling even if it is momentarialy irrational and then i have to deal with all the fall out of that.
so i'll try to stick to the facts... like i don't have my meds. my body is feeling compleatly strange including my head wich is all an odd combination of numb/tingly dizzy nausous chest pounding. i'm scared. i never expected myself to be in this condition. and i feel like i've given an unfair burden to those around me.

its hard

its hard to make choices to improve my life when i don't even feel like being alive.

tell me whats going on, tell me what's going on

so everything is very wild right now. i'm finaly moved out of dan's, and now i'm living on a friends couch... wich has isues of its own... i just don't understand why i'm not "ok" why i keep feelling like a bad person that needs to be hurt and punished. i know part of it is that it is hard to feel that i deserve to be treated eny better than i was in the past, and there are many trigger happening. i'm concetering a intense treatment place. i have so many mixed feelings and i don't know if it's the devil... i hate getting in the habit of blaming him, but i don't know how to make sence of it all. it seems like every 3-5 years i'm back on the bottom of everything. maybe i need to follow the leading to the treatment place and really hand my life over to GOd and stop trying to fix myself and grasp for straws that keep me going for short periods of time.

I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN

another interesting week. i've been emotionaly on the edge, quick to try to excape. i've been wanting to deal with stuff, but this is some heavy stuff. it didn't help that this is pms week in wich i found out that skiping my meds and drinking all day just makes my hormone imbalance more out of balance and leaves me in a compleatly psycotic state. i can't remeber everything that hapened i just know it was intense and i was ready to finish myself off. Again the Grace of God steped in, i'm not sure how i got though it and still alive today to tell about it, but i have set into motion some stuff that will hopefully help me. i'm planning on using this time off from school to get some help. i have a good suport network that will hopefully be the key to getting over this big hump in my life.

ok, this has been an intresting week.,... i've been faceing some of my issues, i'm taking a semester off from school, atleast, well they kicked me out and i'm apealing to be readmited... NYE was a blast. some of my behavior sourounding the event was not so good, but i survived by the Grace of God.
i'm learning how to work on my self-esteem. i was basing my self-esteem on what others did to me and things that hapened in my life, and i am seeing that needs to change. if i keep treating myself in the same abusive ways that others have treated me then i will never stop being abused.
i'm not exactly sure how to go about this change... it helps that i have some good people in my life right now.
i had a flashback last night to a time in 7th grade when i went to my friends house for an hour or so before we had to be back to school for the basketball game we were cheerleading in. i witnessed her mother slap her acrost the face and say some horrible things to her. the next day at school i had told someone about what i had seen and it got back to the girls mother that i had said that she was abusive. her mother cornered me in the girls bathroom at school and yelled at me so bad, saying a lot of horrible things to me. i was also told that i was never alowed near their house or family ever again. the rejection accociated with the degrading comments cut me deeply and changed how i felt about myself. there were lots of other reasons i felt icky about myself but that incident set out a patteren of when i feel rejected also feeling like a horrible person that does not deserve to live among the much better other humans. thats when i first started to majorly isolate and withdraw from others. over the years it hasn't taken much of a percived disaproval of me to send me into that isolation and eventuly into self-harm. i'm not blaming it all on that one lady, my home enviroment and the teasing at school all contributed to it too, if it had been just an isolated event with no other messages of me being a bad person it probaly wouldn't have effected me much.
i first started working on memories in 2001... it's 2009 and i am still getting new flashbacks of things that i had forgoten that has totaly reshaped who i am.

offial new home of my online journal

it's offical, i moved all my journaling here from my old place.
oh and just a while ago i was hearing sleah bells and saw santa walking down the street... weird, i don't even believe in santa, but there he was....

after school

hehe, "after school" makes me think of being a young child. --- anyway, i'm just home from school, excited to have time to work on this and all the elements of our new group home.

checking this out as an option

so now that my msn group is getting canceled and my normal journaling place is gone, i'm looking at options

9/3/2008 10:07 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
ok, boring is over, school is in and i'm a freakin chos mess. i have to pull myself togther, but the negative words from the dean that i may notbe mentaly healthy enough to be at school keep repeating like a bad beating.
what a self sentered bitch to think her view of me should determin who and what i am. i want to go tell her off, but it would just get me in more trouble. i hate having to hold my toung, expessialy when there has been an injustice.
8/27/2008 3:38 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i am .... so... lnly so lonly sooo sooo sooooo lonly. this place is boring oh so boring and even more boring than that. i have dont things, i'm not proud of, just because i, am so lonly. my life feels like is is on hold ly. i'm on hold.ly. yawn....
8/26/2008 8:54 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i finaly have a place to stay. i'm avoiding settling in too much just incase it dosn't work out. but i love this place, i've got all the space aperson could ever want. i just have strick rules about keeping the common areas clean. and the rent is steep, i jsut hope i can aford it. i don't know how i'm getting to and from school yet, or even if i wnat to go back there after the way the dean treats me now. but i do have a dream and a goal. but i may just need to rest. but resting feels like giving up.
8/20/2008 2:30 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i cant sleep!!!
ok i admite it, first week in charge of my own meds and i have messed it up.
things just need to get settled. this not knowing stuff is for the birds.
8/18/2008 12:20 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
so.. a differnt day... i have a GYN apt today, hopefuly they can fix what is wrong with me eaisly. it's going to be a hot long ride into town. i possibly have a place to stay, it's still expensive, but atleast it's something. my hope is low right now. there is just so much negative, i just need some tenderness.... and no one i know knows how to give that. i get accused of wanting people to take care of me, that's the oposite of what i want, i want people to encorage me in my dreams, to share my excitments, to help me though the rough times. i just need a little less stress and some more tenderness.
8/16/2008 1:22 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm hanging in there, but everything just keeps going wrong! the apartment/neibors/house/motel... everyone responds to me in anger... all i'm trying to do is what is good, but i'm rubbing everyone the wrong way. i know i lack tac... i'm just frustrated now, i want life to go better. there is so much i expect of myself right now, i may be over doing it. there are so many things i am angry about that i can do nothing about. i've always tried to fight... fight the good fight.... but now i'm learning how not to fight.... work with my cercomstances... i hate doing this, things that are happening are just not right and i want to set people straight... eye for an eye. i know that's not right. i guess it is humility. a freash dose of reality. i guess fighting for fairness will only leave you dead. tring to get what should be yours just leaves you with nothing. so i guess i've been wrong all along. time to find a differnt fate.
7/17/2008 7:41 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
so i admit it, i did it. i found a web site for adults for the pourpouse of getting togther for sex. there i said it. and i will never dicuss itwith anyone ever! then it turns out the next day i find out why i;ve been feeling more sexual, it has to do with the medication changes they were making... so far this new med has done little to help me.
7/6/2008 5:19 AM Posted by Ãnąm_Ćarą
5/14/2008 9:58 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
this week si so streesful, last week of school... today was really rough... i managed to get though it, but by the time i had to present my pofolio i was so nausious nervous and shaking. i made it though it.. when i got into the car i just started crying.
i'm also sad that i am done with all the fun classes. packing up my art suplys was sad.
one day left... so much to do.
5/1/2008 12:21 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
yesterday was one of those days i'd rather not experiance, it was defently an up and down rollercoster. starts out like any usual wensday, all the usual tasks, but i'm exceptionaly tired. i am learning that on the days i skip my 20 min workout i feel slugish the next day. so as usual of wendsdays i was a few min late for class, the teacher really got on my cass about being late and missing classes, and he didn't give me a chance to even explain what's been going on with me this semester. then i go for my walk, and as usual my legs hurt really bad with the slightest hills. i did feel better for a little bit, then i got to my evening class, we are working on our profolios and i just relized that even my best stuff looked junky, and i was also brewing the anger over losing a bunc of my work when my computer crashed. bu the time i went to go home i was just so tired and frustrated i wanted to sleep so bad. i felt like i could just fall asleep driving- that is a common reaction to pain for me- wanting to just go right to sleep- a coping mechanism i learned with the car accident.
so here i am this morning.... ok noon, i sleep in some even though i know i have a lot of things facing me today. i have a paper to print out, that seems to be non complaint with my printer, i was expecting an apartment inspection this morning, they havn't shown yet, and i hope they don't since the place is still a disaster. it's the last 2 weeks of school and lots of things are waiting to get done.. i have no clue why my paper is not printing... so i guess i better get going and do some major problom solving fast.
4/29/2008 11:34 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i have been in contact with an old friend from hs, she was also my college roomate. i've been trying to make sence of what happened back then, recognize paterens, make changes, become a better person.
one thing that greatly irritates me about every situation i have lived in with other people is their comments and complaints about things i do... the food i cook smells, i forgot something in the bathroom, i left a hair in the bathroom, i make messes and don't clean them up fast enough.. i'm sure if i thought about it i could come up with a lot more... but i really don't want to remeber, it started with my brother being a neat freak and making ugly remarks about everything, even if it was something on tv when he walked past that he didn't like, sudenly he had to give his ill-advised opinions about it. the rest of the time the house was silent, we dared not to disturb the beast and wake him from hybernation. ofcourse that ment no one else could have a life. noise bothers me, it's a major trigger for me. today in the caffeteria there was a rought group of kids, and what made it worse was their topics of conversqation and the abusive words that they used. it made me so uncomfortable. a suite mate in college was loud, opinionated and had no concern for others, we clashed bad. she brought up lots of big triggers. triggers have come up really eaisily latly. that may be good, i may be getting in touch with myself, but it sure adds stress to my days.
i isolate because that is what i was taught to do, that things were unsafe and to stay hidden was the only way to stay safe. so i hide. i am so parinoid that someone is going to break into my little world and hurt me. i have the door triple locked, an anoying magnetic alarm so that if someone tries to open the door the whole block will know about it. i have at times used those alarms on my car doors. i keep my place messy, expecialy by the doors, so that it would be difficult for someone to enter.
at the tender ages that i was supost to be learning security and trust i was hurt and no one protected me. i have so much insecurity, so many nighmares, i still sleep with my blanki and nearly suck my thumb. in the 4th grade i was so afraid of males that i was afraid to ask my male teacher if i could use the bathroom, i thought he would follow me and abuse me in the bathroom. so i would wet my pants in class often.
i have so many fears, when i walk out in the woods alone i'm afraid someone will be there to hurt me. i am always afraid that i will never do good enough at things, my mother raised me to the words of "i expect more than average from you" and i would be thrilled if i could only come near to average. i am so afraid of doing poorly that i often do not try. i have been taking chances, and i have done well, but it seem as though "money does not buy happyiness" is the equivelent to success does not make you succesful.
will my self-image ever change? will i ever be able to shake off the scars from the past? will triggers always haunt me? will i have a chance at a real life? once robbed-forever broke. a worped peice of wood for the scrap pile headed for the fire. will this ever change?
4/29/2008 6:44 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
so... my headachs are back. i went to a nurologist about them and he kinda dismissed me when he looked at my list of meds. it could just be stress related, but i was kinda hopeing they could find something that there is a cure to. i want to get back into the normal world, and if i get headachs everytime i get stressed i'm not going to do to well at that. all the changes i make are sorta pointless it i can't reach a point of ability in my life. i might just need to relax and let life hapen at God's speed. that is even harder to do after that car accident, the knowing just how fragile life can be and knowing it can be gone in a flash makes it harder to be patcient. maybe that was my lesson, to take life on by the horns. then come the headachs that slow me down. so i guess i need a balance. dosn't always come down to that? balance!
4/28/2008 5:00 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
so last night was weird, trigger town. i'm free acociating more, and i accociate myself into the past. it's not a bad thing, although i did get tired of it, it was probaly trying to make a point that i wasn't picking up on, and i didn't take the time to write stuff down. i just layed there crying, feeling like a vulnerable child, confused by why my mother hit me upside of the head just bea\cause i spilled some drink, remebering going to school so upset aobut it that i was crying in my first class, and someone came over toask me what was wrong. i was a good kid, why was i now being treated like my brother was, always gettin hit for being bad. was i bad? .... BAD.... the vary leagalistic upbringing, the issues when i went to the christian college. LEAGALISM BAD REJECTED becomeing bipolar, loving God and feeling blessed one day, feeling so rejected the next. sure i dabled in things i should have left alone, but i was confused, emotionaly messed up, scared, and felt like i had no one to talk to. what if the people around me found out, what would my mother say, what whould the church say, what would the school say.. i'd be kicked out, rejected. i really didn't do anything all that bad, it was kinda like spilling milk, ya it's not good, but it wasn't evil. a punishment was not neccicary, but it felt that way, so i self punished. i hurt myself, i withdrew, i cut, and a few other things that are too outragous to mention. i kept wanting to kill myself so i didnt worry about what might hapen to me. i lay there as a kid, thinking about where it all began. i remeber a song
Well there's a little boy waiting at the counter of the corner shop He's been waiting down there, waiting half the day, we never ever see him from the top He gets pushed around, knocked to ground But he gets to his feet and he says.. What about me,It isn't fair I've had enough, now I want my share, Can't you see, I wanna live But you just take more than you give... Well there;s a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop She been waiting back there, waiting for her dreams, her dreams walk in and out, they never stop Well she's not too proud, to cry out loud She runs to the street and she screamsWhat about me, It isn't fair I've had enough, now I want my share, Can't you see, I wanna live But you just take more than you give... So take a step back and see the little people They may be young but they're the ones that make the big people big So listen, as the whisper "What about me?" Now i'm standing on the corner, all the worlds gone home, Nobody's changed, Nobody's been saved,And i'm feeling cold and alone I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot But sometimes I wish for more than I've got What about me,It isn't fair I've had enough, now I want my share, Can't you see, I wanna live But you just take more What about me, It isn't fair I've had enough, now I want my share, Can't you see, I wanna live But you just take more You just take more You just take more than you give What about me... What about me... What about me...
2/17/2008 5:03 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
my t thinks i'm only hinting at things and not realy dealing with them.... that i have more issuesthan i let on... DUH!
8/1/2007 7:12 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
anger and tears
neither do i want you to see
this game we play to keep eachother away
whats the point of doing any differnt when the outcome will still be the same
hide the fears, hide the pain, hide anything that would show you i care
push away, don't let it come near, anything that shows we care
do we still care?
i know i do, but i can't show you or tell you that because i'm in too much pain from the things you did.
i think the story runs the same for you, but we will never really know.
you broke the promise, you caused too many fights, you acuse me of being bad
i do all the same to you.
we part our ways, hopefully in peace, as we rip out our hearts and replace them with stones.
7/12/2007 4:01 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
im tough, tough as nails, im just hoping that;s though enough to get through all thats going on right now.
my friend had been reallymean latly. her daughter used to live with us, now she's in prison. she wrote a letter crying for her mother to care more. i wrote a friendly letter to her giving her some life advice encoraging her to be more independent, and also warning her that latly her mother (my friend) has been having a hard time being nice to anyone, she just been really moody and realy crule at times. she took it the wrong way and told her mother that i wrote a nasty letter to her. now her mother has told me that she is no longer my friend, accused me of trying to take her daughter away from her and take her place. and a bunch of other really weird things i was accused of. now, her mother, my x-friend- debbie is out to get me, she's trying her hardest to drive me so crazy or get me so mad that i'll lose control and do something stupid so she can call the cops and have me taken to jail. what's unbelivable is just how far she will go, and how she seems to have absolutly no moral boundries at all. monday i was at the beach/park and after swimming i had a guy aproach me when i was headed into the bathroom to change and cornered me, at first he just made small talk but it became increasingly sexualy inapropreate conversation, so i just started praying that this guy would go away, i had no way to defent myself. he did finaly go away after asking if hew could help me change my clothes, ofcourse i said, no, and he walked away. i was afraid that he would come busting into the bathroopm an d rape me. when i told my ex-friend about it, she told me that i had nothing to worry about because nobody would rape me, i'm too ugly fat and gross. i can't even imagin someone saying that to anyone, but there she ways and there were those words commoing freash from her mouth.
i'm not sure i can really live on my own, i need lots of help and suport. but it is deffintly clear that where i am is not the least bit helpful, it i was bleading to death they would j ust let me lay there and laugh at me. the worse part about it is she watches her grand children and i'm close to her grand daughter and she is telling them to treat me badly. the boy told me to go "f" m yself and he was rewarded for it. he also threatens to hurt me and to destroy my car and my things.
she goes to church, she claims to be christian, yet she has no moral at all. she preys on the weak, so i can not be weak. i wish i knew some leagal way to protect myself and my things.
7/12/2007 4:01 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
im tough, tough as nails, im just hoping that;s though enough to get through all thats going on right now.
my friend had been reallymean latly. her daughter used to live with us, now she's in prison. she wrote a letter crying for her mother to care more. i wrote a friendly letter to her giving her some life advice encoraging her to be more independent, and also warning her that latly her mother (my friend) has been having a hard time being nice to anyone, she just been really moody and realy crule at times. she took it the wrong way and told her mother that i wrote a nasty letter to her. now her mother has told me that she is no longer my friend, accused me of trying to take her daughter away from her and take her place. and a bunch of other really weird things i was accused of. now, her mother, my x-friend- debbie is out to get me, she's trying her hardest to drive me so crazy or get me so mad that i'll lose control and do something stupid so she can call the cops and have me taken to jail. what's unbelivable is just how far she will go, and how she seems to have absolutly no moral boundries at all. monday i was at the beach/park and after swimming i had a guy aproach me when i was headed into the bathroom to change and cornered me, at first he just made small talk but it became increasingly sexualy inapropreate conversation, so i just started praying that this guy would go away, i had no way to defent myself. he did finaly go away after asking if hew could help me change my clothes, ofcourse i said, no, and he walked away. i was afraid that he would come busting into the bathroopm an d rape me. when i told my ex-friend about it, she told me that i had nothing to worry about because nobody would rape me, i'm too ugly fat and gross. i can't even imagin someone saying that to anyone, but there she ways and there were those words commoing freash from her mouth.
i'm not sure i can really live on my own, i need lots of help and suport. but it is deffintly clear that where i am is not the least bit helpful, it i was bleading to death they would j ust let me lay there and laugh at me. the worse part about it is she watches her grand children and i'm close to her grand daughter and she is telling them to treat me badly. the boy told me to go "f" m yself and he was rewarded for it. he also threatens to hurt me and to destroy my car and my things.
she goes to church, she claims to be christian, yet she has no moral at all. she preys on the weak, so i can not be weak. i wish i knew some leagal way to protect myself and my things.
3/2/2007 5:41 PM Posted by Jaqzz-inSpirit1
2/10/2007 3:04 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
feb 10
busy with school, i may have taken on too much. been sick last few weeks, little energy and not very enthusastic about school.need to get in gear. have car issues, and driving issues.
7/24/2006 1:10 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
Friday, July 21, 2006
ya might think.. but nope Current mood: pathetica Category: Life
you might thing... or maybe it's just i would tend to think.... that someone who narowly excaped death would be grateful to be alive, and that for someone with such extreem injuries that i had would snap out of their self harm suicidal thinking and learn to enjoy life... atleast i would figure so. but ... when it somes to me i go against the norms and *pow* here i am back to the same old same old. maybe i should take a pole of all those with near death experiances to see if i am that unusual or not.

1:33 AM
Thursday, July 20, 2006
back from the dead Current mood: spooky
ok, so i died. dosn't everyone? well, i guess not everyone comes back. but here i am ready to HAUNT EVERYONE! my greatest fear.. that some kid will come up to me and say "i see dead people" AAAAHHHHH. i aint dead. umm.. i think atleast... so there for i must be am. i still havn't seen pictures of the car i was in, kinda scared to look.
12:46 PM -
Thursday, December 15, 2005
wha wah.. Current mood: angry Category: Life
i failed a class, my car won't start, i'm missing important classes... when will the insanity end
11/18/2005 9:09 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
school is rough. i've been haivng alot of ups and downs and now it's a big down. a teacher went posta on the class and sent my anxity though the roof. i coulld walk back into the building at all. they gave me a new med, it really does a number on me, but i can't say it made me worse, it just has isssues. i'm gragy, dizzy, my reaction time is slowed. i messed up my car todaay and that's got me really pissed off. why can't things just go perfect for me oncee in my lifee.
10/30/2005 4:02 AM Posted by Cara_inSpirit
5/28/2005 10:14 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
run avoid ... don't go there... face to face with myself and all i want to do is run away
don't dealwith it, just run
looking though my list of iisues i realize just how fucked up i am, there's no avoiding it, i really need to change, it's so over whelming. all i ever wanted was to just be ok just the way i am. why can't i just be ok? why did ppl have to fuck with me and mess me all up. i want some justice here. tip the scales bnack alittle and make it alittle more fair. but there is none of that now, now it's just me, facing the world, dark and cold, frigtened and scared. now it's just me having to do what is hardest because it is what is right. and the next step here is to admite that i am powerless... a feeling that i run in cewrcles to try to avoid because it's a feeling that makes me feel like a victem all over again. i don't want to go there. i like to fight and be in control... powerless is not a part of me. but it is a part of all of us and accepting it we must. ... fight it... fight it... fight it... that's what i've always done. the day of change is comming.
4/30/2005 6:09 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
the ongoing soga of where to go and what to be. i think the thing here is me. i din't want to fit into any one lable i am unique and i don't want to be limited by a deffinition. i'm just beginning to disocver who i am and a occupation decicion feels like a cage limiting who i can be. i'm feeling very resistant to this whole proccess now after this latest step of meeting with a vesid counselor. it felt like she wanted to make decisions for me and quickly though me into a catagory. in the meantime i have preassure at home to move out and get things togther, i don't know what to do, i'm not ready for a full time job at all and that's what i would need to be able to move right now. i don't wnat to end up in housing for crazy people... i hope i'm beyond needing that.
3/19/2005 10:48 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
everythings a mess, i have failed this test, i am labled only a pest.
unwanted stupid kid; all the things from the past are repeating as i climb back into into my shell and cry.
sigh.
i still dont get what is so bad about me that people always hate me and want me gone. and they play these little games and they don't see how sad i become and how i long for someone to love and care but i feel this is my fate to be stuck at an age of 8 wishing for a better life and being powerless to make it happen.
1/16/2005 1:57 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i can't figure out exactly whats going on, it's almost like debbie is trying to push me out. i don't get it. i wish she would stop trying to make life miserable for everyone and stop lieing to everyone and starting crap. nothing and none has changed except her. things are just so messed up, and weird. i'm not sure how much of things i am going to take. i don't want to leave and i don't want to stay if it's going to stay like this. it seems as though they would want tme to stay for the rent money and for all that i help out with around here. but then they don't want me doing things and compalin all the time about me. all these put downs running thought my head, maybe it's best that i go. then i feel like i'm scared to leave the kids, i feel like i should stay and protect them.
1/3/2005 9:41 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
guess it's been a while since i wrote anything here. latly things have been hard. been feeling my feelings alot more. been dealing with things, like dreaming about chanda and kimber alot and christmas being hard and being on the edge of flashbacks alot. and being on the edge of manic and depressed all the time. so dependant on meds and on the edge of relapse. just when i thought i would be getting back to life it's like i'm messing up again. but really i'm still growoing. i'm becoming alot more spontainous. it's like i took a step up to the next level, and it's because i'm on this next level that i'm strugeling. christmas was so hard. was so tiredf the whole day. then left the gathering eairly just to be manic to avoid thinking/dealing with self/feelings/ thougghts and messed up deb's car door... next day was so depressed/mixed.. missused meds. .. so that's the new clean date. mind is still stuck in the want to use mode., anything to avoid dealing. guess i just feel burnt out on the dealing with stuff thing.like it should all be done and delt with by now, but yet it feels like it's just starting.scared of the unknown. thought i passed all these steps a long time ago ... but when i did these steps before when the became to much i chould just drink and it all could go away.. so i never got though a step... it's like i've been skimming the surface of everything... now it's time to take away my floties and really swim... .... i never did this part.. i thought it looked cool, but i never made it... i droped out of swimming lessons. convinced myself i was a good enough swimmer just how i was, and didn't need anything more. rational mind knows the "floties" were false hope that actuly was keeping me from becomming stonger person, but emotional mind depeneded apon them for survial, seeing the removal as sertain death and defanant panic and the thought of not having a seceret "stash" somewhere. my "adictive behavior of taking axtra anti-depressants one day because i'm depressed and want to feel manic that day... i never realized before just how messed up i am.
11/12/2004 9:53 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
what a frustrating morning. somehow i've gota relase this anger in a positive way. the first part was frustrating but i was handling it and way ok with it and it turned out ok. angelle was giving me a hard time about getting dresses, she wanted to where her new dress today but she ahd already been told no and other clothers were set out for her today. after some conflict i finaly got her to get dressed and get going and dshe calmed down and was back to her normal happy self. but in the mist of all this her grama called from work, and i guess i should have even said to her that angelle was giving me a hard time, because she just can't stand not getting involved. she wanted me to go up and give angelle the phone right after i had just walked out of angelle's room and told her i would give her 5 min to get dressed. i was giving angelle the chance to make the right choices. i had told her grama that now was not a good time. and it wasn't, as it turned out we barly got to the bus on time. but i had it handled and really didn't need her involved. but now she is all pissy at me that i wouldn't let her talk to her grandaughter. i guess i'm the most upset that she just can't trust me to handle things. i have been babysitting since i was 12 years old, i do know a thing or two about taking care of kids, and i haven't abused any of them. i just wish she would back off and give me my space, when it's time for me to take care of angelle then let me take care of angelle, if i need help i will call. but calling me every morning 3 times gets really anoying. angelle likes morning with me, she has fun with me when we have extra time, we read togther and make things togther.
her gramma is really pissed at me, she says we will talk about it later and then hung up on me. i know debbie is used of fighting with sherry and all the cerciles and manipulation that went with that... i have no hopes of ever winning an argument with her. i don't want to deal with this at all. right now the only reason i stay is i feel angelle needs me in her life. she misses her sisters doing things with her and i try to be there and do some of that. she has her brother to play with too, but so often she gets hurt because he gets mad at her for something. i don't want angelle to feel like she had to play with him because he's the only one that will pay attention to her... that's how it was with my brother... and that's how i got hurt for so many years. my brother was the only one that would pay attention to me... without him i would have had noone. i felt that i must deserve whatever abuse he gave me when we played togther, if i said no, then he would not play with me anymore and i would be alone. i was unworthy of anyone elses attention.
i've been thinking of ways to get out of here, if i could get a house of my own i would be out of here, but i do not want an apartment, i need a lawn that i can do my garden in, that i can sunbath in or hang a hamic, or even construct alittle pond with a little watterfall. have my vegitable garden and my flower garden, attract the humming birds and the butterflies. have a sun room or porch that i can sit on and watch the rain or take a nap. i need a place of peace and serenity where i can be myself.
11/11/2004 12:57 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
things have been going better latly, i think the meds were working right. but then the doc said to increase and i really didn't want to, and i tried to talk to him about it but he didn't listen. i'm not doing so good today. part of it is a rainy dark day the other part is that i've been driving like crazy and i almost got myself and others killed today when i lost control going around a curve. i feel out of control of myself. that's a scarry feeling. also was having some anxity today... maybe all of this is normal... i just hate the ups and downs. all shaky right now. just want to hide back in bed.
11/1/2004 2:26 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
feel like i'm traveling though space and going htough black holes and time warps. this was another hard weekend. i think some of what has been botheirng me is that debbie has been critisizing me in frount of the kids. and i don't want to fight with her infrount of them so it just builds.
i cut yesterday, it was a very hard day. started off with me trying my hardest to do everything to make the kids happy and make breakfast and everything, but i ended up overloading myself and trying to be in 3 places at once and i could have got though it ok but then debbie had to start in on me. so i just finished making the kids breakfast and without eating went back to my room and shut them all out. that's when i ended up cutting. i stayed in my room most the day listening to music and drawing.
heard a song that had the words "we were meant to live for so much more, we lost ourselves somewhere in the lies" i found myself getting angry at everything that has hapened in my life and feeling like i have been robed of my life by the abuse. and i seem to be stuck in an endless meaningess pateren of repeating all of the pains and never breaking free. so theres got to be something more to life than this. my childhood may have been stolen and everything so unfair and i can long for my whole live for someone to say " i will make it up to you" but it's not likly to hapen. i need to find out what life is soupst to be about and go live it. i can't let the past keep holding me down. this is my life now, no longer am i whatever my mother wanted me to be. yet her expectaions still haunt me. but i was meant for so much more, so much more than what my mother had planed for me, so much more than my brother tried to make me. i need to find myself that has been hiding inside, i need to live. stop dieing and live.
10/25/2004 3:49 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
not been doing so well to day and this past weekend. alot of anxity and panic and just wanting to stay home and hide. i know the root of all this is shame. i just not sure how to handle it. i keep reading any articles i can find online but most of them just trigger the feeling more and i feel more like crap. i ordered a book, so when that comes that should help some i hope. in the mean time it's just going though one minute at a time.
also been having issues at night with hearing the telephone ring and hearing my mother calling my name. also my dreams have been filled with all the people past and present that have been judgmental and critical of me. i am so shaky, eaisily nausiated and things are blurry most of the time.
also have been remebering part of a memory. the first part i can't remeber other than it probaly had something to do with a fight with my brother and somehow i was hurt. i was in the bathroom caughing and feeling like i was going to though up and crying. i was very very upset and shaking. my mother came in and acused me of trying to make myself sick, and if i throw up i would be grounded. it was hard but i managed to swalow all of it. but i don't remeber exactly why i was that upset. that's how most of my memories are, i remeber the afterwards but not what hapened.
bki
10/5/2004 7:03 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight

had a meeting with my T today. tried to tell her about hthis weekend and stuff, but not sure i explained it right. i'm not too good with talking to her yet, just can't sem to get serious, just too nervous i guess, nad just don't seem to want to deal with stuff. i don't know what to make of all of it... i just want to go further into hiding. i guess it bugs me that she tries to make me talk. i would rather listen to things and comment about things or beasked questions, or atleast have a feeling that she has some sort of plan other than just listening to me talk.
if i had money i would go to this one T that i started with, but counldn't afford, he did things alot differntly, used the mind to access the mind. things seemed to work better with my old T, but i don't remeber what made it differnt. it jsut seems like i need something more structured then sitting in a chair and just being told to talk about whatever is bothering me. i'm just really down on myself again for wasting yet another session and getting nowhere. the job stuff is going onwehre too.. i have to have 3 months without drinking before vesid will help me. i woke up feeling ok this morning, burt i can't remeber what got me upset in my group this morning, then someone was takling about an unwanted guest in there house and they role played it out, and there wasn't enough people in the group and i had to play the role of the unwanted guest... so that got me all down agian, then to find out that the vesid stuff isn't going to hapen till atleast devc. if i stay clean. but i came home and ate and took a nap, and i thought i was doing better before i went to my T apt. but doing better just don't help when i'm talking to my T. i had that feeling that she just couldn't see how much trouble i'm in right now.. so i left there very upset. (possible trigger)
was really strong thinking about cutting. i have a swiss army knife thing on my keychain, it's not sharp enough to do much, but i couldn't resist trying.
i was reading this thing that my T had gave me last week about panic and agoriphobia. according to the little thing i qualify for agoriphopia.
it also is bugging me about the T session.. how she would generalize what i tell her. on a couple of differnt things she made some comment about i like attention, and that wasn't the point of what i was saying at all. i was telling her that i feel like dieing my hair or doing something else drastic to change my apearence, that i just want a change so i can feel difernt about myself. and she took that as looking for attention. and that really gets to me because my mother would say stuff like that, totaly miss the intention i had. i just want to hide more.
my T had mentioned in our first session about hospitals that deal more with my kind of issues, i guess i was sorta hoping with telling her how i have stugled this weekend that she would bring that up again, but yet i didn't want to push it too much because i didn't want to get locked up tonight. i guess i need to communitcate alittle more directly, but then i'm scared of being judged. i'd rather just hide.
10/3/2004 7:24 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
that chapter in the search for significance about shame really triggered stuff form me. before this I didn't know what to call this overwhelming feeling. reading though the answer chapter didn't help much, nothing is clicking, the emotions are just too strong. shame is how I react to everything. it's sorta like everytime someone does something hurtful (or even sometimes in anticipation of hurt) I react in shame, sorta like saying "yes you are wonderful, I am the scum of the earth, please don't hurt me anymore".
this is becoming a problem with my relations with people at home, I'm reacting to their little complains and grips with shame and then I'm sorta blaming them for making me feel shamed.
i am looking on advice on this one, how to edeal with the shame feeling, my mind is stuck in such a low point right now and my thoughts are kinda scary right now. the suicidal thoughts are very detailed.
so far the book had been going good and I had been feelings closer to God, which was kinda scary because everytime I start to feel anything good it seems to be a set up for something bad to happen. the stuff about forgiveness is hard too… I guess all the feelings are just to new right now and maybe once the wounds start to heal alittle then I can think more on forgiveness, but right now I just really hate what was done to me and thinking about forgiving those who did it and supported it… when I'm just starting to let myself feel anger at all… which is scary too. but I felt so bad for not being willing to forgive and forget on the spot. I'm trying to accept that it's just not the right time yet.. but that's hard. it's running though my head that I'm bad and sinful… but I'm remembering the chapter about God's acceptance of us.
wish all this was eaiser
10/2/2004 12:57 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm doing better today. i had a dream last night that was sorta weird but it like combined all the events in my life into one dream and i could see myself as an 8 year old trying to deal with everything and i could finaly pinpoint the overwheming feeling that i just couldn't find a way to name. Shame.
so i spent the morning going though some memories from a time in my life where there are not many memories remebered. it puts a new light on things and gives me more understanding and compasion for myself. it also has me rethinking how i've been reacting to the people around me latly.
i think what triegged alot of this is the book that i'm reading right now. i had just finished the chapter on shame and God's answer and it was just werid i couldn't accept any of it and was totaly blocking everything. tomarow is the group where we talk about this book, so i'm looking forward to getting a chance to talk about some of this with the counselor that leads the group.
so i got though this, i only did one small harmful thing and by doing it i understand why i do it and that seems to always take away the need to so it.
shame is that feeling we get when we have been rejected or treated less important or have been invalidated. so i need to find something to do to replace the harmful habit that is something that will help me feel accepted. the more i think about it the more i relize that shame has been the big blocker for me having a normal social life. so i guess getting friends would be a good way to feel accepted. ofcourse i'm risking rejection... that's scarry, but all progress takes a risk.
10/1/2004 11:08 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
still going rough here. have been quite spacy all week. last wen was a major trigger when some pople were fighting and screeming in one of my addictions groups. then sat came my montly wich is always a trigger, then more nit picking by those i live with over everything i do. today yet another thing from them accusing my cat of making a mess. i woke up fairly ok today untill the accusing phone call. i need to get out of here. i'm starting to react to debbie as if she was my mother. having dreams that i'm back in michigan. just want to stay hiden around here and hope everyone just thinks that i'm gone and stop buggin me. i don't think i'm stable enough to get an apt by myself, but i'm going to look into it anyway. i'm also going to ask my T more about the places she mentioned. my mind is stuck on fanisizing about hurting myself and what it would feel like to die differnt ways. i can tell theres alot of things under the surface that are pushing at me, and i know it's not comming out because of 2 reasons: one that i don't want to deal with the pain, 2 that the littles that hold the pain do not trust me because they are afraid that i will just hurt myself.
9/28/2004 12:51 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
man,.... is it just that time of month or is everyone out to get me? i'm just feeling so unwanted at this house, like they are looking forways to get rid of me. there is alot of evedence to suport all of my fears but yet i see too strong of a pateren that keeps me in the "theres something wrong with me, i'm doing something wrong" fram of mind. peaple tell me that it's not me and i just need to get out of here, it's just a bad enviroment. and that may be true, but because i am who i am i will just end up in this situation again. so whats the use of running when i might just be jumping from the pan to the fire? and if i leave i would be admiting that i an unwanted... right now it's just a fear and that would make it fact. it's like the knife that's in me from my mother is just being pulled out just to be jamed back in.
9/20/2004 2:26 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
still sorta hohum, for the most part i'm not as depressed as i was the other week, i'm not constantly thinking about s**c*d*, but it dosn't takemuch of a conflict at all to put my mind there.i'm feeling so unwanted right now. i think that everyone else wishes that i would just go away somewhere. so i'm thinking more seriously about the offers from my counselors for the inpaicent stuff. before what was holding me back was i was afrid debbie wouldn't want me to leave, but now it seems more like there would be alot less hassles around here if i was gone. which i don't understand,. i try to stay as low key as possible, i know that i haven't been as useful latly because i've been too depressed to be manic me that does all the housework. so i'm completly worthless right now. i've been trying to get my room set up so i can just hide in there and pretend that i'm not here at all, but i don't have much modivation for that either. maybe if i went into treatment for a while when i get out i would be ready to reenter the work world and have a life. but yet i don't see that hapening either. i feel like i need to getaway from the judgments i get here, but i know i will get judgments everywhere i go. it' like i have a knife though my heart, bleading to dreath, but yet i'm being told it's all in my head, to just stand up and get back to life.
9/18/2004 5:32 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
my good mood left as sudenly as it came. not sure what trieegered the bad mood agian. thurs i talked allitle about my dad in group. then later in the day i got a message that i am not very wanted aroumd the house. fri i discoved that the only dog in thos house that i sichly care about at all was bably injusred and today we had to have her put down. there has beem some guilt messages about that, but left up to anybody else she would have stayed there and suffered. i'm aoiding thinking about her being put to sleep, but at some point i will have to dealwith it because i will have to go dig the hole to burry her.
i don't want to cry, i'mn trying not to cry. if i care enough to cry about it then i sholuld have cared enough to keep her from getting hurt.
9/15/2004 11:21 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
we're very excited today, yesterday we meet with our new T that knows alot about DID. she cares what littles think/feelings. just need to keep the big bullheaded bigs to stop trying to supress the littles.
why do bigs hate littles? how can i make them care?
9/14/2004 2:14 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight

things got pertly low yesterday, but after some things mid day that i felt bad for doing i took a shower and took a book outside in the sun and read for a while. the last week and a half i've barly been able to get out of bed for more than a few hours and defantly havn't been spending anytime outside. it was good to finaly get out with my bathing suit on to absorb as much sunshine as i possibly could. i was reading a book called the serch for significance. my church does a study on it and i got the book almost 2 years ago when i first thought about doing it, but things got too busy. i had read the first 2 chapers but it was all a blur and didn't make much sence. but this time it did. what stood out the most for me from these first 2 chapters is that when God created adam and eve he created them to feel significant and secure, but after the deception of the serpent that feeling was gone. But though relationship with God, he disires for us to still feel significant and secure in him. another major point of these first 2 chapters is that we need to feel our feelings and be real and honest with ourselves and others.
God does care about how we feel. I'm hanging on tight to this to help me get though.

rebeka
9/13/2004 12:55 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm seeming to stay on the depressed side of life, really no mosivation to do anything, uninterested in everything. i'v been sleeping ok, maybe too much, but i still wake up some at night. i've had some really strange dreams. some of htem inclusde dreams where i';m vutting. when i wake up all that is there is litte scratches from my nails. i don't want to deal with anyhting right now. i am trully running inside from it all.
i think most of it is the depression speaking that maybe i should do this 6mo-year lock up program, i just keep thinking how bad and crazy i am and that i deserve to be locked away.
9/9/2004 6:13 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
let see.. today i had a session with my new med doc. he don't speak english well and i'm worried that he may not understand what i am sayiung just adding to the already high anxity over my lack of commuication skills. he really didn't sdo anything differnt with the meds than i have already tried on my own, but i will give it a try again.
i had my car in the shop today, hoping that all would be fixed and the inspection updated. and this is where i was sure i communicated excatly what i wanted, but i must have not because it wasn't done right and now i'm out of money and just really pissed off. and i'm not sure if i should be pissed at myself for not being more clear, even though i felt that i was clear, or if i should be pissed at the moron of a macanic that didn't get it right, either way i'm pissed. and when i'm pissed i don't to well standing up for myself because i have to look for the nearest exit before i say something i will regreat. (deep breath) so anyway.. i have nothing to look forward to right now. somethings gota change here real soon.
9/7/2004 2:14 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i had a meeting with my addictions counslor today and i had rehearse what i was going to say, how i felt attacked by the last group, how my whole weekend was bad because of it and how i wanted to run and not come back to the group. the meeting went ok, she seemed to understand why i felt attacked and also she pointed out that i had a selective memory of the group that day, i seemed to just remeber the attacking parts and not the rest.
my counselor seems to think i need a higher level of care, she's talking about sending me to some place that does addictions and mental health and the stay is 6 months to a year. she's the crazy one if she really thinks i'm going to do that!

9/6/2004 12:03 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
yesterday after church i was down again, the sermon seemed to be a put down or a trigger. i've just been very critical of myself and see everything anyone says to me to be an insult or nit-picking. seems like everyone is out to get me and to pick out even my tinniest of flaws. i just really don't want to exist right now.
9/5/2004 9:40 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
yestday i was really down on myself, how i can't seem to do anything good enough and can't please anyone, no matter what i do people find faughtwith it. i didn't take my meds at all the last two night, after all what's the point, the prescribed dose does not work for me. i slep better last night, i wake up alot during the night but i fall to sleep easier than when i was on the meds. and i defantly wake up easier in the morning. i'm not as down on myself today, but i'm defantly not looking forward to facing things this next week. still just want to run and hide from it all.

bki
9/2/2004 3:13 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
I am an android, i have no real fealings, no real self. i do as i am programed, i am not original, who i am is mearly a copy of those around me. do not ask me to talk about myself for there is no self here to explain. i am an android, please enter your comand here: ________________


BKI
9/2/2004 1:58 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today started off ok, the kids did ok this morning. then i got to my groups... everyone got on my case and acused me of stil using because i've been having to take cold medicin at night to get to sleep. they said things like i'm wasting space, that my seat should be given to someone whoreally wants to change. they try to say that i shlud go into inpatcent treatment. they just really gave me a hard time. left there thinking fine i'll stop taking the meds all to gether and just get no sleep and eventuly i will crash and self distruct, and i'll quit these stupid groups and see what hapens, i don't care if i crash. ... it's all sour grapes... i just came home.. forgeting an apt... and cruled up in the corner. they ask mw what am i willing to do differnt... i don't know.. change is to scarry. i hate being put on the spot for stuff ... theres just not good time to think about what to say and i just panic and freaze. i have my cat.. liciing me right now.. i like my cat, i like my comfort. i need my comfort, i'm learning to nurture with comfort. i just don't know what to do, what to say... i just want things to go away. i just live one day at a time, i can't do anymore than that.
i did have probloms with sedative stuff at one point but i was taking them all day and just wanting to sleep all the time... i'm not doing that, and i'm not taking the vicodin i have, if i was looking to use something that wouldn't remain untouched. i just left there feeling like there is so much wrong with me, i'm just junk. even when i think i'm ok, i'm not, they say i'm not so i must not be... i can never be ok... i'm just fucked up... my life means nothing. i am worth nothing. one guy said i'm stealing from the group by comming in there and not giving my all and talking and stuff. i'm still surized that i talk at all and go there each day.
i'm just not good enough to be inthis world. i just want to say bye to it. i know i won't and i know i'll calm down and eventuly pretend all this didn't hapen and i will jsut makei t all go away. it also d like they were trying to say that i like all the extra attention i get from not talking..
just so many things to take in and it all get muddy as to that the real problom really is. all i care about right now is what hapend right here in my comforty chair. beyond this i just can't deal with.. . my car is really messed up right now and i just can't deal with that. rightnow i need to rest and relax.
9/1/2004 10:25 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today started off good, the kids where wonderful this morning, jesse helped clean the house. then after i doped them off i got a flat tire, got home and was going to change the past due oil and the plug is striped and i got realy pissed off and my macanic... i let him change it in the winter but in the summer i like to take care of it myself. then the kids came home and they were deffently in a differnt mood, very grouchy, whinny, demanding and rude. it's finaly calming down here and i'[m heading to bed. had a great chat with everyone tonight.
night
bki
8/31/2004 6:37 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
lets see.. yesterday...
i had a med apt schaduled but someone called and cansled it without telling me because i'm going to a new clinic on the 14th... so it looks like i will have to wait untill the 14 to shcedule a med apointment and i will be out of meds by then, so i guess i need to do some calling around and get some things straightend out. the rest of the day went ok, spent time reading and meditating. whent to my group at night, felt alittle anxious there but don't know why, could be because the car is not running well at all.
today, groups this morning was ok, they went around in a cercle and gave commplements to everyone. the leader said i was as cute as a button... think she ment cute and a dirty butt.. .but that's just my interpitation .
i was a bit spacy in group probaly because of anxity leading up to my apt with a lawyer to talk about my disability case. He said he would take on the case but he didn't sound confident that it would be won, either way it's atleast a year wait. so i was sorta bummed comming out of that and fellt really out of it on the way home.
so far the rest of the night looks like it will be ok, abit lonly but ok.

bki
8/29/2004 10:19 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today....
whent to church, they did a cool skit run thoughof the whole old testament. the point of it was that when we obey God we are blessed and when we disobey bad things hapen. but that's way over simpifying everything. and the story of Job proves that it's not always the case. then we worked at the cemetary again trying to get it nice for kimbers birthday tomarow.
then the kids came home, jesse is haveing a hard time tonight and is saying that he's planning on giving me a hard time tomarow. maybe i'll be lucky and die in my sleep and not have to deal with it. ... nah.. God's not that mercyfull to me. Guess all i can do it pray that things will go ok.

bki
8/28/2004 10:52 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
lets see.. yesterday i whent to the dentist.. it was yucky. the dentist had to stop several times and let me calm down. when i came home i desovers that peices from my bed had been taken from where i had them stored and used for something else, i was very mad, i mad that bed myself and now i will have to buy more wood and fix it so it will be longer untill i get to sleep in my bed in my room again. then tim was here and jesse was on his dirt bike and tim decieded he wanted to ride the bike and he crashed and dislocated his shoulder. he was setting a bad example with his speed and not having a helmet on.
today been running around with debbie all day, had fun, tryed to perm our hair. did some stuff over at the cemetary to help it look nice. i have a hard time at the cemetary everytime i go there. my mind plays tricks with me, but i know not to belive it. like what wee were doing today i was using a shovel in my mind it was as if the girls had been burried alive, they really didn't die and they were calling to me to dig them out. then sudently it was the whole cemetary full of people talking to me. i watched way too many scarry movies as a kid!
last night i had a weird dream. i was running a ride at a carnival and it was time to close my ride but other rides were still going and there was my broters ride and my mothers ride and i didn't want to go on my brothers but somehow i had to get tto close to it to get to my mothers. it was like this long twisty slide where everyone was riding down on it slowly on little air tube things, but i found out you could go fast if you hun on to the inside of it, so i went down fast. i got to the bottom and i was really dizzy and couldn't see straight. i called to one of my friends to help. i could barly walk and we were talking about going to the hospital. i had a headach and was twitchy. then she had my lay down and she said i was having a sesure. then i remeber screaming really loud and really shaking hard and then i blacked out and woke up. it felt like it really hapened, all my mussles hurt and it felt like i bite my toung and my teeth hurt. but then i started to relax. trying to fall asleep before that was hard because my head felt weird and dizzy and i was all shaky and twitchy. most nights when i lay down as i relax i shake alot. it kinda has me worried but i donlt know how to talk to my doc about it without sounding like a worry wort. maybe i shouldn't worry about it. if it's something real then it will get worse and then there will be proff for the doc. it bugs me though... theres been times that i just black out for a sec and like fall down and stuff. i don't kow.. i need to not worry so much i guess. i know i will not be taken seriouly if i say i had a dream about it. why bother and be embarased.
i'm tired, i hope that means i sleep well tonight.
8/26/2004 4:48 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
this morning was horrible. jesse didn't want to go to the sitters so he pulled out all the stops. when he finaly got dressed and outside he refused to get in the car and went and got rocks to throw at me. i finaly got ahold of him and put him in the car with the child lock on. he was treating to kill himself and hurt me and going on and on that he hates me and hates everyone. all he cared about was going to see his mother that is planed for tonight, but when he was told that he had to behave to beable to go he didn't care and only got worse. i really hate dealing with this stuff. this is why i never wanted to be responsible for him in the first place. i can't handle this at all. all i do is shake, i hate the shaking. i wish i could handle it perfectly and make everything good, but i can't and a feel worthless for it. i can't seem to handle anything latly. i really feellike i need to get awy and take a vacation for a few days away from everything and let everyone solve there own probloms and what to do with the kids without me. if i had any alcohol i would be drinking right now. why did i let people talk me into dumping it?

8/25/2004 1:38 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today has been hard, thoughs of SI running though my head. so i sat down and trying to think about what i can do with my life to make it better. this is what i wrote about vocation:
I've been thinking about going back to college and getting a life... but I'm not sure what I would want to study. I have interest in landscape design, interior decorating, psychology and child development... I guess combined maybe being a children's art teacher or art therapy would be good. I like being outdoors in the summer so that's why landscaping is appealing. just around the house I do gardens of flowers and vegetables, I would be interested in getting into doing a greenhouse some year soon. my artistic and creative side loves redecorating the house and fixing things up to look nice, this has included some small building type projects like the loft bed that I designed and built. I also spend time in the winter doing sewing, paintings and drawings. I have only had one year of art class in high school and wish I would have taken more years. I also loved my drama class that I did in high school and in college. I did one year of college at a private Christian college back in 99-2000, at that time it proved to be way to stressful and I left with credits in only 3 classes; drama, personal spiritual development, and intro to psychology. life is still stressful right now but I need to get into a career. I have been denied disability but can not handle going back to the type of work I was doing before hand. I was working in a group home with developmentally disabled adults. I have also worked as an aide in a hospital, as a class-b school bus driver, been a teachers aide in a primary impaired classroom, and and worked some retail jobs. my weakness is dealing with stress and judgments of others. for the most part I can be creative and self-motivated but when criticism starts to come it shuts me down and usually leads to self-destruction. my last job ended when it became too stressful and i was about to slit my wrist at work one day.
i also have been thinking how my probloms with life are not any differnt than my brothers, it just hit him sooner. he started having real probloms with criisizem... my mother being the critical person that she was drove him to perfectionism. he tried so hard and since humans can not be perfect he failed. when he failed he went into hiding and couldn't deal with the world. partof where i am right now is hiding, but a bigger part of it is taking some time for me, to learn to be ok with who i am and learn to handle stress and critisizem.
8/25/2004 8:49 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
yesterday was hard to start with after a night of fighting SI urges. after droping off the kids i checked my mail before heading to groups to find a letter of denial from disability. it was hard to deal with because i know i am not ready to go back to work but without assistance from disability i can't aford not to.
i'm at a poing of so stressed since about wensday of last week. i've been haing to take my prn meds regulagly. i'm scared of my actions, when the meds ware off everything overwhelms me and i just flip out. i need to still take them this morning.
i shall go do that, and lay back down for a while. i might be back later. my pc is messing up, so im using my firends at this moment.
bki
8/23/2004 10:54 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
hurt.. head.. pain... burn... cut... jesse... why am i here... bother, throuble, exscape, die, should be dead. want to die. leave self. i not here. i not dependable. dont count on me. lock me up. gone crazy. rubber room.
don't trust self. going to hurt. am hurting, in pain. deserve pain feel no pain. gone elsewhere.no place to hide. corners gone. need in... need hide. need rest.
pushed self too far today. shaking, mussles hurting, weak feeling, dizzy, disconected. not good. should i work, no, others think so, push self. need to talk, need meds fixed. wish i didn't have to explain myself. if it's comming from me i don't have a right to it. others must agree to valadate. if just me who wants then i just lazy. need others to see. need others to know. i can't explain it to them. they need to just know.
need to rest. head really hurts. bind myself so i will not hurt. i bind myself from doing harm. i bind myself from doing harm. i bind myseld from doing harm. i bind myself from doing harm. i bind myself from doing harm. i bind myself from doing harm. i tie myself, i tie my arms, i can not hurt myself. i can not cut myself, i can not hit myself, i can not take any pills, i can not harm others. i lock myself in a glass box. i can not hurt myself. i can not hurt others, i tie my arms, i pad the walls. i can not hurt. i can not hurt. i can not hurt. i bind myself from bring harm.
8/20/2004 8:12 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
LIKE
DISLIKE
AMBIVALENT ABOUT
drawing/painting
loud enviroments and moldy smells
Watching TV
Yoga class/ reaching new self-goals
expected to do things but not asked if i am willing
housework, it only makes it worse if you dislike it.
Reading a good book
Paying the bills/talking on phone
excersizing
LIKE
DISLIKE
AMBIVALENT ABOUT
making/creating things/ crafts or building/decorating
left to do a project all alone without help when needed
helping friends make things
being around water, listening to waves
being cold in the day or hot at night

having fun with kids
being stuck with kids

LIKE
DISLIKE
AMBIVALENT ABOUT
personal enrichment/ growth
athoritation/non-giving enviroments

freedom to think on my own/ doing what works for me
set ways/ no room for modification for creativity and personal style

having a close trustable friend that i can share anything with, that understands my uniquness
having to give my opinion about something just just hapened without time to procces it alone

8/20/2004 6:00 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
yeterday at my group they were traling about how we have a surface and we hide things. ihad talkedaobut howi can't let my anger out at all, i'm sorta scared of what i might do when i get angry. i had this big squeeky hammer. they seclected other memeber ofthe group to role-play the people in my life. they all came at me at once with there i wants and you shoulds and everything else. i was trying to handle it at first and tried to help everyone but also was trying to stay away from the mass part of the crowd. i hit a few people with the hammer as i got more overwhelmed and said a few mean thing and then i was up against the wall in a complete panic looking for the group leader to make it stop.
latly i think mosts of my anger with things is because my value seems to only be that i do everything to help others and that's it... that's all i'm good for. so without doing all this stuff i become a nothing, nobody, useless, unwanted extra baggage. iand i get tireed of doing this stuff and sometimes i just can't, i get too tired, to overwhenlemed, i can't do everyting for everybody, i do have limits. so i hate my limitations because they threten to make me unwanted.
yesterday watching the kids was hard, partly because i hadn't sleep all night and also because all they wanted to do is fight with eachother and not listen to anything i said. today they were not any better. Angelle makes a anoying whinny humming noise whenever i wtalk to her and jesse was sticking his toung out and spitting at me whenever i tried to say anything to him. when i watch kids i take the responibilty of keeping them safe very seriously, i make sure i know where they are at at all times, but then they try to take of outside and on there bikes and all over the neiborhood. i hate that, i can't ensure there safty then. i just get so frustrated with deailing with them. i son't wantto watch them, i babysat when i was a teenager, didn't have half of these probloms. but these kids.... i don't want to do it, but it brings me back to the being usefull stuff. i'm trying my hardest to be helpful with all of this, but i just can't handle this. when i first started watching these kids they were on there best behavior with me, but it didn't last long. I'd love to do things with these kids, take them places, have fun, but when they are behaving like this i don't want to do that.
i need to find some other ways to be vauleable. but how? this is all i know.
bki
8/11/2004 10:17 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today was boring. i woke up early so i did all my chores and had everything i wanted to do done by noon. i really did get alot done, but then i had nothing to do and no creative insperations came to me for anything. so i'm bored, and it's getting close to bed time, buti havn't stayed busy enough today to ware myself out yet.
8/10/2004 11:37 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today was cool, i had my addictions counseling session, i was sorta afraid of it at first because the last session i has debbie went with me andshe told about the other personalitys and stuff. but it turned out cool. defantly a valadating, someone for my side type of thing. she called to help me get set up with counsling, they have been giving me a hard time and she stood up for me and avicated for me and told them that i need to get in to be seen. so taday was good.
8/9/2004 9:57 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i've been really out of it today, zoneing out and being very clumsy, yesterday too. a big part of it i know is the increased insecurity with theideas about sherry possibly comming home here. i tried to talk in my group about it tonight, but as usual the topic changed to everyone telling me i should get out of this house and be more social. we also got into the stuff about mary not being able to see me. we hit alot of topics in a very short time and i just froze. the group leader was asking a question that i had no aswer to, i don't remeber what it was, but i was just blank. she also was talking about what is behind the mask, but i don't know that either, i live in the mask so i don't have to deal with anything behind it. i live keeping myself busy with everyone else's shit so i don't have to face my own. i've ran from myself for so long that i don't even know what it is i am running from. she asked for last comments and feelings about the group session and all i could think of is stupid jokeish things. i also left there feeling very labled mentaly ill.
8/8/2004 1:30 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today has been hard, well it started out good, i was in a fun playfull mood. sherry called the house alot to day and was talking with debbie most of the day. her trial date is for the 13th and all debbie's been talking about is if the gets out where she will go and if she would come back here. this has left me feeling very insecure and flashing back to the big fight i had with her that got me kicked out of the house before. theres no way i could stay here if she came back, and really nobody wants her back but debbie feels like if she wants to come back then somehow she has to let her. it all gets really muddy. i can't sleep tonight, took more of my meds and hoping that will help. i'm afraid of her getting out, even if she i living somewhere else, that fact that i'm here and taking care of her children will drive her nuts and she will be out to get me again in no time.
i've also been thinking alot about my self hurting behaviors and how they started when i was about six years old. it's been part of just about my whole life. that makes change alittle bit harder to imagine.
i'm so bored tonight sitting here, not sleeping, nothing on tv, no one to chat with.
8/3/2004 3:22 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
. i have stugled with eating in the past and have had alot of thoughs like that in the last few weeks. i figuresout that i'm not strong enough to be anorexic again, i have no clue how i did it before.. to not eat... i just can't do it... i'm way over eating .. and lots of lots ofjunk, then i'm thinking of how to get rid of it, somehow my happiness is dependant on getting the junk out of me.. but logicaly i know that's not it. but for some reason i am frantly going though all the old tricks again. a thought comes that i'm trying to keep from losing something.. but what i don't know.maybe it goes back to the old theroys that when everything else is out of control we take control of what we can. but that would sugest that i am doing all of this willingly but i'm not. i feel really out of control with all of this. i'm just sorta stubling around looking for a hidden door back to reality. i know a few times in the past some of my behaviors was to prove to others that i am bad enough that i need help, but i am getting help now so that shouldn't be a driving factor anymore. and i don't think i really want to get locked up anywere.. but maybe i do, maybe i still want to excape from life for a while. BUT I DONT... it's like inside i'm frustrated that i'm not understanding what i'm trying to tell myself and i'm beating myself up. it's like theres this big black door inside of me keeping me from the rest of me and keeping me from understanding what is going on. doors have a great significance to me in all of my memories, if i could get past the door and get it closed and block it shut before my brother could get to me, i would be safe, but if i was traped and couldn't get there... i would be hurt. ... i'm getting a headach, need to go rest.

8/3/2004 2:37 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today..
i'm feeling down today, i felt down yesterday too and decided that a whole thing of soy chocolate icecream would help, now i'm mad at myself and feel like there is something horrible inside of me that i need to get ride of. i have been eating so much crap latly and the urges to not ear or eat and purge are very strong. it's like i go from one addiction to another repeating all the past bad behaviors in some sort of frantic effort. what am i so frantic about? i probaly will end up going to inpatient adictions tratment.. i'm sure it's just a matter of time becore this all catches up to me. i just wish i could understand why i have to do this. why i have to be self-distructive. the more i try not to be the stronger and more pressing it all is. i wish it wasn't for a whole month.. maybe 2 weeks would be eiser to agree too. i've been so grumpy since sunday, i'm really tired of the housework and anyone asking me to help with anything is just so anoying.. well it's not so much of them asking it's that they cant' seem to wait for a min for me to finish what i was doing and i guess that is just such a trigger back to my mother telling me that nothing i am doing is important, only what she says is important is. i'm sorta on a protest this week with the housework and everything, i just need some space. they were talking today in group about wants and need toos, i rarly do anything i "want" it's somehow bad, wrong, sinful. i'm always looking to do things for others and i keep myself so busy with doing for others the things that need to get done i leave no energy for anything i want to do so i don't even have to think about what i want to do so i don't have to be disapointed that i didn't do it.... (deep breath) so they told me that my task this week is to do something i want to do.. that will be hard between not wanting to do things alone/scared to be anywhere alone and having no money to do anything...
part of my problom with feeling down might be conected to taking the vicodin, i didn't take it last night but i did take it the night before, it helped me sleep and took all the aches and pains from moving furniture away. and i took it the day before that with the concerta. so... i'm defantly trying to stay away from it, i would sorta like to just throw it away but i have kept it on hand to use for my cramps, but the doc that precribed it had no clue that i have adiction issues. i wish debbie would have agreed to the lock box idea. i can't belive how grumpy and angry i feel. i'm going to take my 5htp that usaly helps with depression stuff, hopefuly with will also help with all these self-defeating thoughts. it's like i need a t-shirt that says "don't say anything to me or about me and dosn't ask meto do anything, leave me alone"
i have refused to do dishes all weekend one because i was so busy withothers things also because i think i deserve weekends off from the housework when i do it all week long by myself. so it was all piled up yesterday and i did one load in the dishwasher but that still lefted a sinkful of dishes left over that i was leaving for today. ofcourse someone had to complain because i left the sink full of dishes. i'm just so tired of all of it. i've been superwoman all last week with the housework and the kids, but i just can not keep all that up, i barly had enough energy to take care of my own needs these last couple of days. i would love to go to the lake one of these hot days and relax, but how do i find the time (or gas money) and i hate doing things alone, but yet i need some time too. maybe i'm just complalining too much. i think i will go nap now.
bki
8/3/2004 2:33 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
for 8-1
i'm doing ok, out of the moment none of it makes sence, why, how and everything. it just is a big blur and don't seem like it was real... i really can't address any of it at my adicions counseling because i will be put inpacient if they know what hapened. they try to teach us coping skills and that helps sometimes when things are somewhat predictable or you have time to think about things before the reaction comes, but when things just sudently are too overwhelming, and then i guess i panic because i'm overwhelmed. i don'tknow...
i tied talking to my friend about getting a lock box in the house for all these meds in the house so they are not in the face and tempting, i didn't tell her that i had taken any. shejust sorta scofed at the whole idea saying that it shouldn't even be a tempation beacuse it's a stupid idea. rationaly i know it's just a stupid idea, but in the moments that stuff is tempting i'm not rational. and sure the doses are small enough that in reality it probaly whouldn't harm a fly... but it's the pateren that started when i was 12... take a couple of extra pills, mix them with something else that i don't know how it will react. this time i actuly called and checked on things afterward, times in the past i just wouldn't care and whould just go about my busness and wait to see what hapens. so i guess that means i'm taking steps in a better direction. it still scares me though... i know if it wasn't for God i would probaly be a drug adict by now. theres the old saying if you play with fire your going to get burned, and that's what it all is, just playing with fire. why on earth do i get these urges to do this kind of stuff? maybe i shouldn't worry about answering the question and just look for the solution, or maybe the solution depends on answering the question. anyway... it's a scarry road and i have seen the pateren and it seems as though each time i up the anty of it and increse the unknown factor and make it alittle more scarry. it'slike.. oh i got away with only X number of pills last time... so this time.... there must be some sick demented reson that i do this stuff. what kind of sick person does this stuff anyway? well i guess most of us do.. were all in this group for a reason... but it dosn't makesence.. but this is the ralitonal/logical mind trying to comprehend the actions of the purly emotional mind. it's like trying to put two puzzle peaces togther from two completly differnt puzzels.
cont below
8/3/2004 1:55 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
for 8-1 cont.
the guilt dosn't hang around long it's just there as i start to come out of the emotional mind and relize what i have done and the shock of it all, over all though it does tear down the self esteem, but yet i can also see the side of it where i'm getting better too. it's a worse thing that i took somebody elses meds that i had no clue howi would react to and took another powerful med alittle while later, but it is better that i actuly called and asked someone to make sure i didn't do anything that would require medical attention, and if it did require attention i would have gone and gotten it instead of just laying there to see what would hapen. i wonder how i've lived this long... and i know if i don't change the road i'm on i'm not going to see a long life. so i guess being scared is a good thing. i think recovery from anything goes in it's stages and in this first part if first seeing a problom then deciding to want to change but in these first steps the problom contiues and each time the problom is there we have a chance to think about it, antalize it and hopefuly get to the root of why it is there and fix the problom that causes the problom. .. atleast that's my theory at this point. it's hard to ask God for help in any of this, although i do anyway, it's more like asking for help to help me deicde to want to change. it's just so far away. but i guess if it all made sence rightnow then the problom wouldn't be a problom anymore at all. i don't know.. it's just all hard.. then loved ones get frustrated because we are not cured yet. why do we hang on to our problom? or is the problom hanging on to us? listen to the people around us that joudge us and you would think that we choice to be this way and we like it. so i guess iu'm now wondering what God's perspective really is on this. I guess he would be loing because he is love, andhe would be gental and caring and he would try to encorage us to be acepting and loving of ourselves and he is aceptoing and loving of us. I defantly do not feel that God is mad at me for my probloms.i guess i don't really see it as sinful, that just seems like too strong of a word, i think of sin as murder and alot bigger things, i'm sure though that God wants us to get better and not be so down on ourselfes that we want to hurt. he tells us that he made us wonderfuly, and i think that is an encoragement and a promise that someday we will know that, but maybe not on this side of heaven. but anyway.. i've rambled long enogh now.. thanks for listening if you read all this, and if you did feel free to comment. :)
bki
8/3/2004 1:50 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
for 7-30
i started off the day feeling overwhelmed with everything and i'm not sure how or why it just hapened so fast. i've strugled with this in the past and i thought it was all in the past. i knew i couldn't drink because if i drink again i will be put in treatment for 48 days. and i didn't cut because i knew people would see that. and it was when i was home alone so know body knows... and i plan to keep it that way, no one will findout unless they do a urine test. i took some of the kids ADHD meds. it didn't help, didn't make anything better. i got a headach and later took vicodin. now i'm scared and just hope no one finds out. i'm disapointed in myself. i'm not going to do it again, i'm going to see about getting a box where all these meds can be locked up in and the key kept with someone else. i will not do this again... i promise. this was so stupid, and i'm scared. i'm sure physicaly i will be ok, they were very low doses. but i'm sure i probaly shouldn't take my regular med for anxity and sleep. maybe i can find a phamisit to call and ask. this was very bad, i know i shouldn't have done this. and i can't tell anyone here or i might get locked up. i don't want to do it agian, and i have a plan to keep it from hapening again... that should be good... right? please someone agree and understand... please dosn't yell at me... i know i deserve to be yelled at and to be locked up... but please... please no one tell on me.
rebecca

i called a pharmacy and they said there are no bad interactions with the meds. so i will be ok to take my reg meds and have life go on as normal... just my own guilt to keep eating at me and keeping me jumpy.
bki
7/30/2004 2:10 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm feeling overwhelmed today, just with the counseling mess situation, watching the kids, house chores, stuff i'm trying to help others with. ihate that i get overwhelmed so eaisly.
bki
7/30/2004 1:52 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
for 7-28
if it wasnt' for my current living situation... i live on a couch in the living room.. no private space of my own... if it wasn't for that i would be cutting right now for sure. all i can thonk about is going and getting a knife... but therse no way that i can because theres no place that i can go that somebody woudn't see me and call someone on me... i don't need to go anywhere.. that's for sure. i just need to find a way to deal with all my feelings from the day. for the most part i'm staying numb on the surface becuse i know what lies just under the surface is too devistating to deal with. i feel like i'mg going to explode. ... i was somewhat prepaired to hear no when i first called to my old counselor to ask her... i was so happy when she said yes.. it's been keeping me going the last 2 weeks just thinking about seeing her again and how i can feel comfortable talking to someone agian. but then i got there and was turned away... she left me to go back to something horible. there is no way i'm going to work with that counselor anymore... i will keep looking for someone differnt.. but i know that will ne hard because i have to explain my history over and over and i never do well with that. why is it wrong to want to do what works? working with mary worked for me... i do understand the point of working though things with a difficult relationship... but this is counseling... the people i talk to i have to be able to trust... it's not like the world where we have to deal with difficult people and learn to deal with it... i shouldn't have to learn to deal with my counselor...
7/28/2004 8:55 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today was my first apt with my old T... i got there and just before time for the apt another person came in saying they had an apt with her... first i though.. ok so someone messed up the schedule... take some deap breaths.. it will be ok... when she came out and seen me she said "i guess you didn't get the voice mail i left for you. she had called me to tell me that she will not be able to work with me.. that her supervisor feels that iti will be more benificial for me to work it out with my current counselor. they just doin't get it.. and that may be my faught because i do not comunicate well with people... the current counselor has a drill sargent like personality. i already have a drill sargent personality of my own.. that over critical, harsh way of dealing with things. my last counselor was very nurturing and that helped me to be more gental with myself, and i still need that... so theres no way i'm going back to the other counselor.. so right now i'm without anyone. i sat in my car for an nour crying before i finaly had to force myself to drive home to pick up the kid from summer rec. in that hour i was going though the useal self destructive thoughts and fought it back and forth in my head for a long time. but it came down to i had to pick up the kid and i wasn't going to set a bad example. i was hard on myself but i was also alittle bit nurturing and comforting to the inner childas i cried. i was hurting bad enough ... i didn't need to make myself hurt anymore. the kids i live with have been thought alot, jessie 9 has had a couple mental health arest for trying to hurt himself, angelle 6 has been starting with the tough person act.. and today she was poking her eye and saying this dosn't hurt. i was her age when i started with parisuisidal behaviors... wich is also right after my brother started molesting me. i starting with pulling the plugs out of the wall just far enough to tough the prongs and shock myself. so i ask myself... what can i do to help these kids not turn out like me with a life long strugle of wanting to hurt myself.

bki
7/23/2004 8:49 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i am sad tonight because i didn't go alone with everyone to go get dinner... it's not that i'm hungry or even that i am excluded the thing is i'm self excluded because the car would be crouded and i would get stuck in the back between two kids that fight in the car all the time and it's just way too powerful of a trigger to get stuck in the back and if i make any fuss about it then i'm ruining the trip for everyone else ... so.. it's just better that i stay home. ((pause for breath)) ... still breathing.... i just hate the triggers and i hate feeling so differnt and i hate being excluded and i hate that no one understands.
7/20/2004 11:02 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today was a highly weird day. Debbie went with me to my flacra counseling meeting.. some of it was cool... with all the bussyness and everythingaround here i sometimes wonder if debbie really cares aboutme at all... and with the stuff today i know she does and i just have to remeber this whenever i start to get down because it seems that she's short or upset about me. but she is upset with me at times.. but that dosn't mean she dosn't care aboutme... debbie got into talking about my other personalitys with this counselor... that was the weird part... i have been working on thinking of myself as just one person and trying to go for wholeness and oneness... it just sorta muddied things up i guess... on some of the stuff i had been thinking about sharing with the counselor there... but i was going to keep it as 'normal' as posible.. the concept of the inner child is becomming more and more common and i was planning on staying in the limits of that. it was just all weird and i don't know how to even proccess that stuff now. then tonight debbie was asking me why i can't "just get better" how i'm intelegent and stuff and "know" the "answers" so why can't i just be better... i don't have as many excuses as other people around here do like less intelgence and less responsability. i just don't know how to even aswer a question like that... i tried to tell her that it's like you can have the bible memorized but that dosn't mean you know God. and that you can't fix emotional stuff with rational things. the whole conversation was very frustrating and triggering. start getting those feelings and impulses to hurt myself and then start really critisizing myself about them thoughts and feelings. debbie makes it soun dlike there should just be a light switch somewhere that i can flip and be "ok". and i have spent many toutrous hours in the past trying to find this light switch that everyone else must have and wonder what is wrong with me that i can't just flip my switch like everyone else. i had left this kind of thinking a long time ago.. but now it's back... but what if it is something i should think about... i don't know. i sorta tryed the switch thing before.. but it didn't heal anything it just burried it untill a latter time when the stress got to much and it became unburried. i had also left this part of my antilitical brain that will sit for hours and hours from now and still be contiplating the same thing. i had alowed myself to stop trying to figure every little thing out and was just living and to go with the flow.. but what is right... was i right then or am i right now? is there a right? it this just one more thing that's going to drive me crazy. i'm not feeling very comfortable in myself at all tonight. it's like i've sliped though another one of those black holes into yet another parallel universe where all the rules are slightly differnt but everything still looks the same. do i try to go back to where i was or do i venture into this unknown and test it out for a while. as a kid i had many reacurring dreams... one of the dreams i would find a hidden passage somewhere in one of the dreams it was at a friends house my mother and me were visiting and i was playing with other children and we found this secret passage in the fire place. we slid down this slide into a room full of balls like at McDonalds and there were clowns there and everyone was having fun. when it came time to go we found ourselves traped there, none of us could get back to our parents and the fun was no longer fun and the clowns turned very scarry. (cont. below)
7/20/2004 11:01 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
part 2
... the last couple of days has me thinking... intuitivly i pick up on things that are out of place/ differnt and it makes me unsettled... but then i seem to miss the reality of what is differnt. like i was just thinking it was just me that was having a hard time these last couple of weeks here.. .but in talking with debbie it seems as though things have really been differnt and theres good reason and everyone has been having a hard time. it weird.. i have a hard time connecting my feeling to the world around me. it like here are my feelings just within me. and totaly unassociated is this world around me and everything that hapens. maybe this is just the disconection between the rational and emotional mind. . this is all just very weird tonight and i feel just so weird. and as in everything io'm looking for something to valadate all of this.. but i'm not sure what or how. the whole idea of my counselor at flacra seeing me differntly because of what debbie told her has me seeing myself differntly and high on anxity. like theres some set of rules in this new universe that i'm totaly not used to and i have to figure them out before anyone catches on that i'm really from someplace else. this is all toooooo weird. like something from the matrix or something, except i don't have anyone helping me ajust to the new found reality. but is it reality... or another delussion. my body is going though alot of weird feelings... tinggles and chills and stuff... growing up i remeber alot of werid "flashes" where i seemed to be almost sucked into this universe. and i guess this is just another one of the flashes that is lasting longer than some of the others as i think about what the hell is hapening. i apandoned alot of this thinking after all the crazy stuff i whent though in college. but maybe i shouldn't have. i don't know where i will wake up tomarow.. if i will be back to the usaul universe or here in this odd one where even the smallest things are differnt... this usaly bulky clumbsy keyboard is now a small lightweight tools that seems to fit perfectly here on my lap. it's back to how it was in college when i would run myself into the walls because they just looked so unreal and i was sure that i could walk though them. everything around me transformes. it really makes me wonder what is going on... the last few days i have been feeling very conected to myself that i was before my father died... where should i be? it's like i'm stading in a hall with all these open doors looking into differnt universes but not knowing wich one i belong to. but since this isn't my usual universe then all these things that look like my things really can't be mine, but the belongings of the one that belongs in this universe. ... maybe i have just watched too much star trek in my days... and too many steven king and horror movies. then i wonder how many others there are out there like me floating in and out of universes. i remeber it was these feelings that first starting me with the cutting in college because i needed to feel the pain to feel real, it was my way or regrounding. then other times i have used cutting to excape things too... maybe it's vaule depends on what univer i am in at that time. i'm scared to go to sleep tonight not sure of where i might awaken in the morning. maybe i shouldjust take an extra of my anti-psycotic med tonight... but maybe that med it keeping me from experiancing the truth that i am out to find. i had also apandoned this thinking a while back because i had deemed it more important to survie as a somewhat "normal" inthis world and to do so i had to give up on finding the "secret passage" out there to the real demention, the real universe where i could feel really real. things are getting weird here tonight.
7/15/2004 7:39 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
don't know what to say about today... started off really spacy.. forgot what i was doing in the shower.. messed up the whole routine.. left the house without my cell phone.. had a hard time staying with it and conecting with the conversations in group. somehow i managed to make it though groups and conversations seemingly normaly, but i just didn't feel there. just kinda in a fog today. the conflicts are come are still here and im not sure what to do about them other then just keep ignoring them and hope it goes away or gets better on it's own. i'm depressed this evening and my head continues to feel foggy. i wonder if it's just because of that feeling of i don't want to be here right now because of the conflicts and i don't want to think about leaving. i just don't want to think about any of it. I hate how i feel. with all the conflicts i feel that my helpfulness goes unnoticed/ unapreciated. i feel more like the burden the house has to deal with rather than the helpful person that helps to keep the house running. and it's not that i'm doing anything differnt... other than i'm getting more and more depressed and less and less energy with that depression, so in the long run i am less usefull.. just because of alittle conflict. in one had i should just leave this rat house.. but i feel like i'm abandoning them if i do... but right now i don't feel usefull anyway... and taking care of everything in the house wouldn't bring that usefull feeling back. if one more thing gets added to the scale on the side of leaving.... i'm so close to doing it. and i'm told it's a healthy choice to leave... but... then theres the deserve the chos and shit side... the side that stays here because "this is where i fit in" and "this is the life i deserve" .. the wolf should run with the wolfs even if he has learned to live as a lamb. i've got such a headach tonight. i just wnat to lay here and cry... and fight myself... maybe i should start packing.
get the feeling by leaving that i'm not good enough to stay here... theres gota be something else i can do. i wish debbie wasn't in her strange mode so i could actuly talk to her. but everytime i tary to talk about this stuff, even when she isn't being strange... it muddies things up. and my momma told me i'd get a whoopin if i played in the mud.
and i'm scared of where i would go... i would be going into a rehab.. and that's just scarry... i don't want to admit i have a problom.. much less live in a rehab. feel like it's some sort of punishment. punishment for being a bad person. .. very very bad... i can't face the dark side of me.
7/14/2004 4:22 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i was so down today... my counseling apt really whent yucky. it's like she was trying to get me to say 1000 times that i didn't want to work with her anymore. and she didn't have anyone good for me to switch too. then i went to my adictions coiunseling and they told methat it would be unethical for me to counsel with my old counselor again. so i was really deperssed, angry and all ready to give up all hopes. and just when i was in my deepest darkest moment... i got a phone call... from my old counselor.. she had heard that i was looking for her! i jumped for joy so high my head whent though the roof.
so now i'm happy! i will see her in 2 weeks

only downer is that debbie is depressed and a real downer latly.. i can't talk to her at all agian. these ups and downs are hard to deal with. i wonder where that soportive person that i first meet ever went.

bki
7/13/2004 6:24 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm proud that i'm learning how to better handle things. these last 2 days have been very hard and i'm still reallly emotionaly tense. i am looking forward to proccesing these days with a counselor or group.
today at school jessi had another one of his acting outs and they gave him another mental health arest. tim and debbie really seem to be fighting the help that the school and the mental health workers are trying to provide. jessi needs alot of help... it's like tim is asking a kid with 1 leg to walk as if he had 2(emotionaly). the kid is stuffing all the hurts and pains and then when he gets stressed it all explodes out. the mental health workers are aware of the family dynamics, it was intresting listening to them and hearing that there point of view was much like my own. it was valadating, but i have to becareful that i do not take on a self-rightous/smug attitude.
willfull really discribes everyone in this house...
willfull= Governed by the will without yielding to reason; obstinate; perverse; inflexible; stubborn; refractory; as, a willful man or horse, the trait of being prone to disobedience and lack of discipline. Said or done on purpose; deliberate. Obstinately bent on having one's own way.
they are>Willfulness is when your are sitting on your hands, when action is needed, refusing to make changes that are needed, willfulness, causes you to fight any suggestions that will improve the distress making it more tolerable.
i am>WILLFULNESS is giving up. it is the opposite of doing what works, of being effective willfulness is trying to fix every situation, it is refusing to tolerate the distressful moment.
seems like everyone is running around like chickens with there head cut off not soing anything that makes any sence or adresses the real issues and i'm ranting, trying to figure out how to fix the situation but not doing anything that really helps.
when i think about leaving this situation i feel like i'm leaving everyone to dround when i can help them out of the water. but so far i'm sitting waiting for them to acept my help and they havn't very much so far.
7/13/2004 6:05 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
for 7-12-04
event> night time... tim was sitting at the table talking loudly giving details about how he gave a hicky to his girlfriend.
thoughts> if this was a work place this would be sexual harasment... i'm very uncomfortable listening to this but there is no way away from it.. it's night time, i want to lay down and unwind, i don't want to hear about his sex life. i do have a right to speack up and request that i do not hav3e to listen to this. it takes alot of corage to speak up.
feelings> uncomfortable, pushed out of house
behavior> asked that he be respectful and stop. turned into a big mudflinging argument. i should be asulted for speeking up and asking the inapropreate conversation to stop.
weekness> interpersonal skills... need to learn to make a request with just the facts and avoid long arguments. it turned to a very agressive mudsling. i get off topic too easily..
i'm getting better at speaking up for myself and believing that i have rights, and i am getting better at just walking away from situations that i can walk away from. yes i do need to work on some skills, but i was completly withing my rights to ask to not have to listen to that kind of conversation.
i am seeing more clearly everyday that this is a not so good enviroment, but i have a tendancy to run and avoid conflicts instead of dealing with them and being here makes me face conflicts head on. I donlt know what to do.. i keep thinking about leaving and going to rehab to get out of here.. i'm scared and confused and so i freeze where i am at.
7/13/2004 5:54 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
for 7-11
today was going concederably good, other than not sleeping well and being woke up early morning to help deb with her car trobles... spent the day trying to held deb fix the car, that was good, we had fun thinking and working togther.
then there was a dog fight... somehow i get selected to get beween two angry bleeding biting dogs to seperate them... i'm angry that this is still hapening, that something hasn't been already done about the dog sitation, i felt in danger between them two dogs. i was angry, scared, shaky afterwords with hightened sences, felt sick. headach. it stressed me out and overwelmed me. i was avoiding any further stimulation for that day.
then debbie fell asleep with the kids running around, being the only other adult home that puts me in a place of responsablity that i didn't want. i was not emotionaly ready to handle kids tonight and i never ever want to be left in charge of jessi because of his acting out behaviors... it's too much of a risk. feeling abandoned, angry, disrespected that i wasn't asked if i wanted to watch the kids, it had to be. i finaly woke debbie up to tell her that i couldn't do it. she was upset with me, first trying to tell me that i don't have to watch the kids when she is asleep and i told her that i had talked to m y counselor about it and it does leave me responsable when deb goes to sleep. then debbie got mad because i talked to my counselor about it and threatened me that i better not say anything that will jepordize these kids... then she said that she dosn't know how she can ever trust me with the kids with my unpredictable moods. she obosuly didn't understand me at all... i'm doing as much as i can to help her out around here, i know she has way more on here plate then she should have too and it's unfair, but i can not replace the childrens missing parents. i hate conflicts and being put on the spot and having to come up with explinations for my feelings. not feeling good, feeling useless, unwanted, unapreciated. down on myself because debbie is down on me. want to run, go do stupid things, avoid her, take pills, drink.. don't know how to handle this 'panic' i'm in a very bad space and alone.

i got though the night just taking my perscribed meds and persibed doese and some herbs. i didn't do any self injury but felt as though i was stuffing the feelings.
7/6/2004 1:33 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
really really not doing well . hate myself for drinking... i feel like shit... emotions are really fucked up...
7/6/2004 12:25 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
really beating myself up for drinking. still feel lousy, depressed, sick, want to isolate, recklessly going thought the day. suisidal impulses... i know it's the drink that is doing it to me so i'm just trying to get though and let time pass for it to get all the way out of my system.
it's this big weight of this big secret, i feel like i can't tell anyone that i drank. can't talk to debbie about it... convently skiped my 'clean date' at my flacra (adictions) group today. really wanted to talk about it with someone but the depression side of it is too strong.
they talk about radical aceptance in group today... and i have been working on acepting myself more... but i see that it's a bargening aceptance... i can only acept myself if i am perfect, havn't done anything wrong... no flaws... that's the only way my mother was acepting of me too... they did a meditation in group today were we were just supost to be aware of everything around us... starting with the chair under us and how it souprts us and acepts up... all i could visualise it the chair comming to life and dumping me off and is hurles insults and putdowns my way and tells me to never put my sinky ass on it again.
i'm not doing so good today and i know it's my faught for drinking the other day. i deserve to feel like shit.
i wish all this would just end...
7/5/2004 7:54 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm really freaken bored todday. the plans i had with debbie didn't work out and i'm stuck sitting all alone bored out of my freaken mind. i'm really going nuts. i'm sure alot of it is because i drank yesterday and that's messing with my head.. but... still AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
it's so quiet here that i can hear alot of junk going on in my subcounous mind, but it's just anoying because i can't tell what it is and i
7/5/2004 3:16 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
for july 4th.
i went with debbie to tim's family picnic... it was a booze party. never in the past had i been extremmly temepted by socal drinking, but the unfamilar peaople seeming to have all the fun in the world being drunk was very strong. i was doing ok with debbie there, she was keeping me from drinking. but then she had to leave to help tim pull the boat out of the water and i was asked to stay there so the kids could stay there and play with all the other kids in the pool and stuff. the temptation was too strong. i had about 3-5 shots of rum mixed with my drink. i really didn't feel drunk at all though, except alittle nausioius. i had a hard time sleeping when i got home though... mussle spasims and dreams about that party. it was snot a good situation to get traped in.. i will be sure to never do that again.
bki
7/2/2004 4:19 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
ok. so i went to my counseling session and planed on still keeping the secret that i was not feeling right with this counselor. but she pressured me into telling her why i was so upset the night before... i personaly felt like i didn't have a choice but to tell her at that point, but she said that i made the choice to tell her... whatever. she also put in alot of other psycological blah blah blah... listening to her talk it like reading a text book... that's what bugs me the most, she's so flat and melotone... she dosn't seem like a real person at all. that's what makes it feel harder to feel safe talking to her. she admited that her style is differnt than my last counselor, that my last counselor was more nurturing. i defantly felt safer with my last counselor. she said she would give me a list of names the next time we meet, but now i feel guilty for feeling this way and feel bad for telling her, i really wasn't ready to tell her yet. she says she thinks this was the best session we had had so far... another 'whatever' for that one. she also said that she would miss working with me, although she understands my feelings and knows it's important to feel good with a theripist, but also she though that it's just a part of my problom and paterens that i would want to switch.... whatever! for some reason.. and i don't know why i feel like something bad is going to hapen because i told her that i'm not comforatable. i do have a tinny bit of reliefe that i'm not carrieing a secret, but the fear of something bad comming from this totaly erases it. getting into a argument with your theripst is not advisable... they know all the big words to win it with.... and they know how to make you feel like a lowlife scum in comparison
bki
7/2/2004 4:17 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
from 6-30

i'm all upset again... i have my counseling apt today... last night was horible, i was so fliped out just thinking about having to wake up and go to counseling today. i've been trying to see if i can find my old conselor online. she went into private practive. if anyone is really good at people serches and can find me her e-mail.. please let me know. i found her home address and her phone# but i'm afraid of breaking that pacient counselor boundrys if i try to call or write to her. but i would feel ok e-mailing her if i can get her addy.
i also had a hard day this week when my car broke down. the the macanic first called to tell me what was wrong i was or reading everything he was saying .. it was still bad $119 of bad, but i was defently paniced , and on top of that the kids were getting to me.
i've ben very short tempered latly, that scares me. i just wish i could talk to my old counslor.. she's been though all of this with me before, she knows my paterens.
my nearve are so shot right now.

bki
6/24/2004 11:30 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
The adult child’s healing prayer
Lord please help me on my path of healing, help me to get in touch with the real me, help me to comfort my hurt child and appreciate my inner child’s uniqueness and gifts. Help me to be gentle and refrain from the learned patterns that hurt my child. Help me not avoid and block out the genuine feelings and help me to accept them as a part of my being lovingly. Help me encourage my inner child to grow, love and trust. Show mw how to be a good and gentle with me. Teach me to love my individuality, use my creativity, accept my feelings and needs and be gentle with my pains. Help me to be the kind of parents that my inner child needs, full of love, grace and mercy. Lord teach me what all of this means and help me to practice it daily.
Inner child’s message to the big me.
Please learn how to love me and care for me, it hurts the most when I think I’m getting though and then you shut me out. You think you are hurting yourself, drowning your pain out with alcohol, you think you are just coping the best you know how the pain. but the ‘pain’ you shut out is me, it’s my pain. It is me that you are trying to ignore. It is me that you are hurting all the more. It is me that still cries inside while you lay and rest in your drunken slumber. It is me that you can not run from, and the more you try the louder I’ll cry. Please turn around and love me. Help me heal this pain. Please set me free from this prison inside, please love me, please don’t hurt me anymore by doing the things you know make me go away.
Little rebecca
6/23/2004 10:22 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i am still realy realy upset about having to go to counseling today. with my last counselor i would look forward to going to counseling, but with this one i really don't want to.
i was listening to the tape version of the book corage to heal the other day, i was really dissacoiating, everything was looking werid. i didn't make the best of choices to finaly pull out of it.
latly i have been very emotional, it's not nessicarly a bad thing, expessialy since so much of my life has been numb, i think it's good i'm getting the emotions out. it's almost like i'm greaving for everything in my life from the past and all. i can't belive my counselor would bring up fuctioning and going to work at a time like this.... yeah i'm really stuck on this. i'm catching myself looking at sharp objects as if they were a yummy peice of mouth watering candy.
what does it really matter if we cut anyway? .. i know we are working on becoming new and not needed to do the old things, but we are not new yet... (this is the same way i talked myself into drinking last week.... )
it's useless of foucus on something else right now with the whole apt. comming up this afternoon. and canseling the apt would only drag out this feeling for another week. i guess i whould really talk to her about these feelings but i hate to have to admit to her that i have a problom with her, that i really don't like her and would rather switch to someone else. i just put a cut on the edge of the keyboard it's not my keyboard.. this is bad. i should probaly go take my meds. calm down alittle. i'm scared to move. i'm defantly into panic mode. ..breath ... breath... what stupid little things i get upset over.
it's eiser to put down the experiance than to experiance it. EXSCAPE MYSELF
exscape this life. exscape thie repeated self tortouse living.
i'm trying to just sit with the feling. to recognize it, be aware of it, acepting of it and just sit with it. it helps.
6/23/2004 9:40 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
6/22/04
today is the first time i have thought about cutting in a while... last week my new counselor i switched to was very invaladating, that'ssomething my last counslor made a priority to valadate my feelings and experiances. so today thinking about my apt tomarow and feeling traped that i have to go back to this lady, i want to switch counslors... i'm not going to cut, i was just thinking about it. cutting always seems to go along with feeling stuck and needing to excape. i was drinking the other week again, dso my new clean date is 6-11-04. that was promped by a fight with a friend and she compared me to a very bad person to be compared to. it stuck in my head and greatly added to my self-hatred i have been stuck in the last couple of months. my adictions counslor wants to put me inpaticent treatment, but i refused for now. theres too much going on here that i feel responsable for. one of the things going on is the 9yr old child that lives in this house is having a very very hard time with the passing of his older sisters. he had emotional issue before this event where he would get violant toward othersm, but now he's becomming self injours and suicidal. last saturday he was upset when his toy plane went on the roof and whent up with a stool on the roof and took his little siter along trying to get the plane. when i tried to get him off the roof he protested and started back up the latter and said he was going to jump off the roof and kill himself. i snaged him down and he started beating me so i whent back to my training with wraps and takedowns and he started beating his head on the cement and poking his eyes and biting himself and me. it was very scary to see him like that. and i worry for him, and now i can't relax always wondering what he is doing. i get very frustrated at the other adults in the house that are soupst to be watching after him that they are not more attentive to his whereabouts. this childs fits has always been a trigger for me back to when my brother was like that growing up. it's very hard to deal with, on the one hand i can not bear the thought of him hurting himself, but on the other hand i can not handle the weight of this alone. the other adults in the house tell me i don't need to worry, it's not my responablity, but how could i live with myself if something did hapen to him? they are looking into some more intense counseling for him, and i hope they find something soon. as for me, i probaly should get out of this place, but i seem to have an insecure atachment. i'm too scared of the world and this place is familar. my counslor says my fear of the world is what is keeping me stuck, but asking me to take a step out is like asking me to jump off the grandcanyon. so much in my life i have ignored my feelings and needs and pressed on though jobs and living situations and it has landed me here to where i am completly nonfuctional out in the world. i know my old counslor would have walked me though this slowly and valadated my feelings and needs, but this new counslor just wants me to get back out there and ignore my feelings. it's more paralizing presure. my last counslor understood me... i really miss her.
6/16/2004 2:13 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
conserning 6/11/04
the day started off rough, anxity over someone showing up at any hour to ask me questions related to my public assistance aplication. i hate things like that, aways so worried i will say something wrong. wanted to stay in my shell and hide all day. debbie had left for awhile leaving me alone, i was so scared this person would show up with me here alone, i was so glad when debbie came home, i stuck to her like glue. she had a project she was working on and i just wanted to be envolved. she took my comments as telling her how she should do her project and became very defensive and insultive to me. i didn't handle it well. she said i am just like my mother with my comments. i tried to argue some but then just walked away and cried. later i went back to just silently watching her do her project. the lady came later, it wasn't too bad but i'm glad debbie was there. later we whent out somewhere with the youngest kid, she was really anoying and pushy. when unlocking the door to get in the house she poushed the doorand my nuckles got hurt. i pushed her back and yelled at her for being so pushy and went ahead of her to enforce my point. debbie cridisied me for being pushy. later debbie on the phone was talking to tim and she said having me around is just like having sherry around... no worse person in the world to sompare me to.. it was just like when i used too be compared to my brother. i stormed out and drank. i callmed down took my nmeds and when to bed. took my meds agian the next morning to stay sleepy all day to avoid being upset. next day was better. now where i have my alchol treatment is concerned about me with all that is going on and also that i live in a house where tim has been drinking and bring home alch. they want me to do inpatcent treatment and halfway house. i am very scared of that for one my normal routines that offer me security and my freedoms would be gone. like my herbal things, getting online, helping around the house/chores here. also it's a new situation that i'm not acostomed too. not good with change or social situations. things may not be the best here, and going to treatment may be good for me, but i feel a strange safeness here. it's the dependant and avoidant parts of me that keep me here. i'm too insecure to leave here.
6/4/2004 11:58 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
had a rough start to the day. called deb after my dss apt. i didn't get get the type of "hello" i had anticapated and it triggered all the negative crap in my head. started iwth "she must not want to tak to me, hear my voice, she's sick of me... and builded to i hate myself and i bet she wishes i would just die and drop off the face of the earth." then as i was driving the thoughts of running my car off the road into a tree were so intense that i had to pull over and get off the road for awhile. that helped to decrease the intensity of the thoughts but the depressed feeling still remained strong for hours untill me and deb went out and had a good time. regained my confidence in this relationship. (althought seems like a temporary confidence the way things have been latly) this evening i have done some more processinga bout my relationship with my mother and came out iwth another letter to her. i think i finaly hit the nail on the head with this one. i really have anwered my questions, i feel really good about it... a peace. i wanta party all night.. but reality calls, it's getting late and i need to settle my celabration into a peaceful joy. what a high/low day!!!!

6/3/2004 8:28 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
reading a new book about being highly sensitive. i wouldn't have really catagorized myself as highly sensitive, sensitive, yeah somewhat, but not highly. the more i read this book the more i realize they got me. sensitivity is an inborn traite but wether or not it controls your life is from how you are raised. and unter the list of what not to do to a sensitive childis everything my mother did. the bigest thing with being sesitive is how easly overwelmed i get. things that bother some people is a majorproblom for me. being in a loud or crouded enviroment can completly nauisate me. and everyday the sensitivity levels can be differnt. for me this book has finaly answer the question of hat is wrong with me, why am i deffernt than everyone else. the hardest thing is how few sensitive people there really is. every negative word spoken to me kills me. latly it's been deb's coments just because i'm around her the most and the more i'm around her the more my little oddites anoy her. one day last week she said that she's glad she dosn'thave to deal with sherry anymore and she wasn't about to deal with my crap. i automaticly took that to the extreem and said debbie wishes i wasn't here, i hate myself and all the issues that bug others i wish i were dead, and debbie problay wishes i would just go away too.
now i look at that and think how silly, but i was stuck in that space for a few days just from a few comments.

5/17/2004 12:48 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
they took me off the trieptal because i was so lathargic, no energy, mussles hurting, unmotivated. now i'm on gabitril and it just gives me a headach and makes me irritable.
5/12/2004 4:31 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i know how it feels right now with having no energy an d no modivation. i really can't remeber a time i've really been this down. i've notbeen able to do things in the past, but most of that was from the anxity. i'm blaming it on the meds they have me on right now. it decreases the sodium levels and physicaly makes you more lathargic. add that physicaly feeling icky to the stress of everything and all the things that i normal worry about, now that the medication helps me not worry so much, now i just don't care about any of them things. so what if i end up sleeping in a friends back yard with plastic strung up by ropes over me.... i just don't care. all of the things that i worried about a month ago i just don't care about anymore. i've had to give up so much of everything about me to stay alive though all of this stuff. i've been striped down to nothing and left to lie naked in the streets. i do have hope that someday again i will have hope.. but right now there seemes to be nothing past the 5 foot of fog that i am living in. but i wouldnt say that i'm depressed, this is reality of where i am in life right now, and i am acepting of it. as for chances to change... i'm not sure about them. right now i have 3 options: 1 stay here as long as i can, maybe move into an apartment in town because even though theres alot of junk here, i'm comfortable here. 2 go into the lakeview program, but that seems to be out of my control of when i can get into it, it could be some time from now. 3 go into the half-way house. then i would have to leave here, where i am comfortable, the chores i do here would be left entirely undone. i would be in an unfamilar enviroment with unfamiliar people and forced to socialize and get along with others. it would force change, and i'm not sure i'm ready for that drastic of a change. and i'm afraid also of being invalidated, that once people seen me on a day to day life they would just say "look your ok, just belkieve it and you will be" wich is a load of bull becuase i believed that most of my life and i wasn't ok, infact i was bleeding to death. but becuase those people would be around me alot i would automaticly give them too much power, and that is scarry. here i give debbie too much power, but i trust her, even though i get hurt from time to time it's ok. and i almost think i have to learn how not to give to much power to her (being one person whom i believe has uncondional love for me) and then more on to others that seem to have too much power, the people that i avoid because i know i can not stand up to them and i know that i can not trust them. but being around another that has power over me seems to provide alot of comfort, a closeness to another that i long for and deeply desire. a clostness i do not know how to get any other way.
5/9/2004 2:26 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
lets see... since 4-9 .... that weekend i was kicked out of the house... sherrys constant picking on me came to a head. she got me traped in a corner and i triggered and fliped out. i kept screeming for her to get away from me but she didn't. by the time the cops showed up i was in the corner hiding and crying. so i've been living in a motel since then. debied had her surgury on the 21st, it went well and i even handled it well and didn't freak out as bad as i have in the past. then that sat sherry was messing around in the car with the kids and wrecked the car killing 3 and serverly injuring another. that whole next week was busy with furneral arangments, sherry had decied to be nice and tolorane me being around since i'm the only one taking care of all the animals now. i was glad to be a part of things, at first i didn't think it would be alowed with how sherry had been around me, but everyone at this house has been the closest thing i've had to family and them first 2 days of staying away was hell for me. for the most part since then i've been keeping busy with all the little things that need to be done around the house and going back to my motel at night. i've been waiting to hear about houseing with lakeview mental health, at first it seemed like it would be a few weeks now it seems like months away. it's been very hard being on my own, alone in that motel. i had 1 night of an incident with a guy over, he says nothing much hapened... i crurled up in a ball and started crying before it got too far. this commoing monday i have to be out of the motel, i needed to find a place to live, but i havn't found one yet. DSS might put me up in another motel or i will just have to crash on the couch at debbie's. sherry is currently not alowed around the younger two remaing children without supervision, she's been staying at a friends house and is not alowed to just show up back here. so that may be ok. i'm waiting to hear about an apartment right here in down town so i'm still close to debbie's to take care of animals and be close to debbie. i'm not sure what i feel about the lakeview stuff now. i'm sure i could benifit from the program but it would be taking me farther away from debbie and right now that's the only souport i have. but yet i also know that debbie get really tired of me sometimes to and i don't know if she would miss having me around or if she would be relived to not have to deal with me so much. yesterday i spend the whole day in bad and crying whenever i was awake, everything has really taken a toll on me and it dosn't look like any of it will end anytime soon. i am going to flacra (alch adict) meetings 3X a week so that's good in some ways. when flacra is done maybe they will put me in day treatment for a while untill the feel like i'm ready to try and work again. last time at to doc's he said 6 months. i've put in aplications for SSDI. this defantly isn't how i want to live out the rest of my life, but i can use a year or two to get straigtened out, maybe i will even atempt to go back to school. right now my moods are so all over the place and my memory is so yucky. i will set out to do one thing and in the corse of doing it i will forget atleast 3 times what i am doing. they have me on this drug trileptal, they did try seraquil but that didn't help much. now i'm sleeping better and less general everyday anxity than before but i still have powerful panic attacks.
4/9/2004 1:59 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
oh wow.. lets see.... i wote last on mon... tuesday was a high anxity day, but that's all i remeber most of the day.. oh yeah i worked on my taxes. wensday i went to a steems meeting... it was boring. then i attempted to see if my counselor could see me... she couldn't... i got pissed and starting thinking of waiting for her to leave work and telling her how i feel... i decided to leave that town so i wouldnm't have an oportunity. i was dring very bad... too fast around corners... went of the road a few times. i know i should't be driving at all right now. thur.. yeah.. that's today... i didn't do much of anything... or if i did i don't remeber it. it's been an odd day, more manic than expected. with all that's going on i'm really upset that i can't talk to my counselor till the end of next week. i've actuly had thoughts of robbing banks and doing other way out there things... i've actuly even thought that i could go back to work right now and be fine... this is when i can't even drive straight because i havn't slept hardly at all in the last month... i have to foucus hard to try and remeber the whole picture of things and not alow the emotion of the moment make my decisions for me. this is comming from someone with poor impule control even when i'm not manic.
4/6/2004 1:13 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
my T cansled on me today, it was our last sceduled session before she leaves and hands me over to a new person. i had a list of things i wanted to talk to her about that would require her knowlage of me to help me determin if a trip to see my mother this week would be a good or bad dessision. given the uprore at the house here and my current emotional state i am looking for a break from things, but yet the last time i went to see my mother my anxity was increased for some time afterwards. given my lack of sleeping and everything else going on i wondered if the idea to visit here was just a manic thought. i was very angry about the canslation and didn't answer the phone when the new T called to reschedule with me.
a friend called that i meet 2 weeks ago in my partial hospital program. He was good to talk to, alittle older, mature and easy to talk to. he understands all my emotional delemas and we can talk on a fairly even level about stuff. i decided to go out with him today and chat with him about things, it was nice, we went for a long drive along the seaway trail and had alot of conversation. even though i remained fairly quiet i did acomplish quite a bit with not alowing my anxitys to keep me anti-social. i was feeling quite a bit better. then when i got home people were on my case about "bringing a stranger to the house" tim said that everyone else in the house elected him to talk to me about it, but yet that dosn't make sence either. but if that is true then that means it's an issue debbie didn't want to talk to me about, so now i can't talk to her about my feelings about it. tim was saying that it bothered everyone and that i was putting hte children in danger, and that i'm looking to be abused. i don't know what pissed me off more that tim was talking to me about this stuff and he was acting very strange and making me very uncomfortable, that debbie couldn't have talked to me if this really is a concern of theirs, that my judgment must not be good enough, that my freedom and choices are being limited, that my socialisation is being stifled when i'm trying so hard to finaly socialize, that i'm being held back, or that now i find myself self-doughting myself and wondering if theres something wrong with my judgment, maybe i am manic and not really thinking, but i thought i got away from my mother and the unreasonable/ irational fears. i wasn't bring this guy over and leaving him alone with children, i've talked alot with this guy and know he's not some strange monser that would grab a child and take off with them. i just can't even imagin how they think me having a friend come by to go out could possibly put anyone in danger without the irational absurditys my mother would think up. but yet i get that "i can't do anything without messing something up' feeling. it's a mix of sad and angry. and i have no one to talk to about it, and that pisses me off even more. i don't even know for sure ... maybe tim was just playing mind games with me by telling me that debbie feels the same way and wanted him to talk to me... i mean that just dosn't make sense why she would have someone talk to me that i'm afraid to talk to as it is., and she would know that it would be a trigger for me. none of it makes sence, it brings out the "bad girl" after all i must have done something sooo horible that evem my best friend couldn't talk to me about it, it must have been that bad and that dirty that she couldn't even be around me to mention it. and i don't even get it. i'm in trouble for something i don't even understand. but i guess it's good that i'm not completly buying into this right now because if i really thought that i did something so horrible then i would be hurting myself right now. butthe confusion of what the heck is going on is making me dizzy. and it's this confusion that pulls me farther away from people and socialization. but maybe that was tims intent in talking with me, to keep me isolated and imprisioned in this house. .. i just don't know what to make of any of this. all i know for sure is i'm very angry and sad that my T is leaving. even i can't force myself to stay heartless, cold or uncaring about this.
4/1/2004 1:45 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight

you ever put a nut on a bolt? it's like the bolt is what my life should be but the nut started off threaded wrong but i've just kept pushing on and pushing on... now the nut is stuck, it can't go forward anymore and i can't get it to go backwards either. somehow i need to get it off and get a thread fixer and start over again. but it will not go anywhere and i'm getting soooo frustrated and feeling hopeless with the whole thing and just wnat to scrap the whole project.... AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
4/1/2004 11:35 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
* TRIGGER self-distruction set for 10...9...8...7...
right now my life feels like it is as messed up as it was during my major breakdown incollege. i'm starting the 3rd month of a downward spiral and theres no sign of things letting up anytime soon. i went to pick up my last paycheck from work yesterday (i'm on medical leave because of my mental state, and not very likly i will return to that job at all) my supervisor took me aside to ask questions about how i am doing and what my plans were. i've been avoiding talking to anyone because the pressure seems to make everything worse. my mussles were so tense as i was talking to her that they were twitching, they hurt so bad that i was crying all the way home. She looked at my doctor notes and where the doc wrote diagnoses of PTSD and borderline personality disorder. she was telling me that she has taken care of people with borderline before and how just as these people start to get ahead they go into self-sabatoge mode. it was sorta like she was pointing the finger at me and saying all the probloms i was having there that was stressing me out was all my faught, and i guess i sorta believe her. my oversensitivity to critisizem is where the problom started, ofcorse the sorce of the citsizem was comming from an over critical co-worker... (whom i don't have the guts to stand up to and dream about violantly getting revenge) . ok... back to on the way home... mussles hurting... crying.. pain... i ended up pulling over to a park and drinking as i cried. all the negative self talk in my head blaming myself for all of my failures and telling myself i will never get anywhere inlife because i will always turn around and self-distruct. i tried to stay just barly drunk enough the whole night to not let the full impact of the pain get to me, emotionaly and physicaly. later around bed time sherry and tim were fighting (2 of the other crazys living in this house) not only couldn't i get to sleep because of the noise but also sherry was in her childish mood pulling me into things, blaming things on me just so she could have more to b*tch about. it was all sensless crap but emotionaly it really p*ssed me off. holding in the anger and the comeback comments so not to add fule to the fire my mussles hurt all the more. now on top of drinking i'm taking some excedrin x2, my seroquil x3, and ibprofhen 600mg. i actuly managed to sleep though the night without waking up wich is the first time in weeks, but i'm still in pain, feeling really 'out of it', grumpy/grouchy and still angry about all the crap that has been said. having fanticys of being a druggie and making all this stuff just 'go away'. ... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2...
3/20/2004 6:14 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i spent last weekend in the hospital after stuff at work took another downward turn with being acussed of verbal abuse and neglect. my supervisor dosn't believe it but everything has to be reported and investigated. personaly i know the acuser changed documents to make it look worse on me but i do not remeber exactly the words i did say but even if i did it is a double standard anyway. this has really messed me up, i almost cut myself at work. while in the hospital i continued to have a hear time and when they told me they were sending me home without even talking to me first i fliped out and beat the crap out of head on the wall. my counslor and everyone agreed that i need a differnt job. but for now i'm "out sick" whild i do some day treatment, and there is talk about possibly doing temp disability. right now i'm scared, i havn't been this bad since college. i'm shaking all the time, can't concentrate on anything, forgeting things that i have known well for years.
april 16th i have to go to a case managment meeting where i sit infront of alot of people and tell them all my probloms and they decide what sort of helps i need.
3/1/2004 1:36 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i've been told that i will defantly have to go back to night shift, or i can switch to a differnt house, but i would lose my days off and wouldn't be able to attend my counseling group. i am so stressed out right now, last thing i want to do is have to make choices but they are pushing me for answers. i've been drinking myself to sleep at night, i hate everythingabout myself right now. my self definintion is:
i'm borderline personality, bipolar, mpd/did, PTSD, ADD, obssesive compulsive, general and social anxity disorder, dyslexic, codependant, alcoholic and generaly just can not handle stress and making dessisions in life and about to lose my 4th job in the last 2 years... i just wish i could find a place where i could be suported but not looked down apon for my probloms and that the ppl around me could understand and work with me on things. i try so hard to make it in the 'normal' world but with every corner i turn i am reminded that i am completly differnt than everyone else and that i will never really fit in. i live most of my days feeling like i'm only a fungus to the world.

life sucks and i just cant face probloms head on.
bad girl...
bki
2/24/2004 11:28 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm back to days, but possibly have to nights on weekends. my body is so messed up, out of balance and sick. emotionaly i'm ... i don't know what.. numb also have been going though alot of invisable/bad girl feelings. i just hope my body will straighten out soon and things will be ok. i hate this job, i hate being mandated, i hate getting chairs thrown at me. ... just goi numb.