3-24-2002I’ve been writing down things in my journal before going into church, like questions, current problems ..et.. and when I’m back in my car I think over the stuff and find I usually have the answers to my questionshere’s today’s sample: before: I have a basic understanding of what it looks like to be a Christian devoted to god and filled with his mercy, grace love, joy and all the other things god gives to those who love him. I know how to preach a powerful message that can change a life. but that's not enough, and until I am able to be authentic I will not wear the name of Christ. I’ve been hurt my too many so called Christians. simple trite sayings, quick fixes, surface living.. these are what I consider real sin. to be like Christ, heart and mind, this is my desire, and my prayer is to keep pride out.after:the walls are crumbling, the walls of pride and self-protection. opening the path to the heart, to where true life lives, and the path to heaven, to the love of Jesus and the acceptance of mercy and grace, and the learning of living a life of humility.
3-23-2002 *really really bad bad trigger* wanta give up...yeah,, I said it.. I wanta give up... maybe it's because it's night time, or because it's winter, or any other of the thousand countless reason I’ve come up with to explain why I’m this down. so why don't I just do it? too scared. I’ve been suicidal since I was 12, sure I don't think about it EVERY day anymore, but I go through my times. it's been the same reason every time... just as I get close to finally doing it my mind warps ahead and sees my body laying there.. and somehow I still feel what happens to it... each time someone finds me and starts raping me, or my mother shows up and I have to listen to her lectures... for all eternity.,.. no escape... death isn't an escape from my pain. I’m to scarred to live, to scared to die.. so I’m just trying to stay numb again,... I know I’m not healing like this.. I just wanta barf.... so much forced to stay just under the surface and it affects me so bad. I am just tired of fighting, facing the pain, the fear, and feeling like I’m not really getting anywhere... I’m such a hypocrite...
3-17-2002oh my, has it really been this long since I posted something!?!?!? OK, here’s the scoops.. my m*ther kept calling multiple times a day and I could tell she was in another one of her moods.. well it makes me feel like I was being stalked..i started unplugging my hone at night. and the thought crossed my mind that she would end up showing up at my door.. butt hen I said to myself "nah, she’s not that obsessed" ... then sat. morn... "buzzz" .. "who’s there" "me.. your m*ther" *choking.. sinking..dieing.. cussing... HELP* so all day Saturday I was mommys rag doll, going "shopping, out to eat" with out her even caring that I had allot to do at home and really didn't want to go anywhere.. but ofcorse she "drove all the way here to see her daughter" and "would be hurt if you don't spend time with me" .... GGRRRR.. I’m not even going to recount the situations of the day.. just gets too frustrating...add it to my things to be repressed list.... I so want to run from her... but in all reality, even if I get away from her I will find someone else in this world to control me and tell me what to think, feel, do... it's my nature... dependent personality... I probably make ppl into controllers because of my unrealistic need to be controlled by others.... I was wondering today what makes ppl dependent? maybe this can become a comm. question in the furture.anyway.. I’m scared to stay here, but I’m also scared to go anywhere,, I don't want to make ppl controllers.. I go into myself around my mother.. and then it's hard to come completely back out for while.. I’m stuck somewhere inside with just a tinny straw hole connecting me to he world.. my body is so clumsy when I’m like this.. I have quite a few embarrassing stories already today... ... can't I just *poof* completely out of existence?!?!? GGRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR...... wwwwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh ....get a firkin grip... I just want to shut down all my truth and heart seeking and just go back to my little pretend world.but I know history forgotten is history repeated.. so I press on... not a strong press.. don't have much strength when I’m so deep in myself looking for shelter... just take a deep breath and know I will get though this...
3-7-01I've been working on condensing the "necessities" when it comes to material things in hopes that I will be moving this coming summer to NY or to FL or possibly returning to school by fall.I'm still holding on to high hopes for my life. and knowing most of my difficulty’s come from a messed up childhood environment and knowing that retraining is possible, continues the hope.I have long since given up on the desire for a magic wand to fix or undo things, but I still dream of my superman's red cape helping me leap many steps in a single bound.I can see my heart, trapped in the middle of an onion. I have to pull away the layers and that brings on the tears. but I know I will get to the core, and then I can toss out all them stinky layers. then my heart can beat unrestricted.
3-5-01I never used to allow myself to be scared, but now, everytime I think about "it" I’m so scared that my ability to continue functioningis jeopardized and I find myself standing on the edge of the grand canyon and when I look back to where the ground was it has also become part of the canyon. before I allow myself to look down to see if I’m still standing on ground, I try to snap back into reality and find my ability to breathe and move are gone. I am neither "gone" nor "here" I start searching for my list of "rituals" to bring me back to life.
3-1-02everything is going fairly good. I remembered 2 more years of my life today, so I’m feeling more connected. so that's good. getting more answers to my questions. I cry and it hurts, but the feeling of more wholeness after words is worth every bit of it.
2-26-2002Have these words ever rolled around in your mind? Have you seen or heard the horrendous stories of others and thought, "I shouldn't feel as terrible as I do because what happened to me was not that bad"? How about, "I should be thankful I didn't suffer like they did" or "I'm being selfish"?MY REPLYI hate it when I start on that viscous thinking. that' is what keeps me from seeking help when I feel that I need it. and that is close to what my mother replies when I try to bring up some of the stuff to talk about it. "you are irrational, you are crazy, you didn't have it half as bad as allot of kids, you are ungrateful for all that I did for you..... " I think that's why we think that way, is because somewhere along the line we've been told something similar. I try to remind myself of the hard reality and evidence of life, that's hard to do because when growing up in abuse we are taught that our perceptions feelings thoughts et just were not right. but I try to remember that and try to realize the reality is I AM HURTING, and no amount of trying to deny that reality will fix it. sometimes I wonder if there is more abuse then what I remember just because it don't seem for what I remember that I should be hurting this much. could possibly be that I repressed more then I thought, but maybe not. I’m tryi8ng to find a way to make that a non issue, I just feel like if I can come up with more junk to remember, then I can somehow justify my pain. but the truth is my pain is already justified by the simple truth that it is here. but that is so hard to accept. I can be crying my eyes out, hurting myself and doing all sorts of stupid junk, and still be trying to deny my own reality. and I find myself asking how long am I really going to keep abusing myself? haven’t I been though enough already. and I get mad at myself for not caring for myself so I hurt myself more because I’m mad. the cycles and the patterns don't stop until I stop replaying the stupid mind games that were started by the abusers. and I face the reality that I am hurting and I need help. (but I’m not admitting that yet) and why don't I just do that? fear that having pain makes me crazy somehow? yeah! fear that getting help makes me weak? yeah! fear of what others will say, be it family, community, empolyers..e.ct..? yeah! kinda like this weird secret... if they find it out they will know that I am crazy... so I sit here.. in pain.. in fear... trying to fight myself each day do I want to be the real me today or my image me. to I want to be in the real world today, or my pretend world. lots of combinations that I can choice. and sometimes I manage to get the real me in the real world at the same time. but not for long.I’ve come this far... but where to next?I just want to break down and cry in the arms of some loving caring person that understands. like my dad did that one time. just hold me and let me "cry it out". I wish I was still that small. and even if there was someone willing to hold the big body to comfort the inner child the fact still is I have no one "here". and even if I did have someone turntable enough, would they respond how I wished at the moment, would I really be able to just let go in the presence of someone? now I just want to hide somewhere, become small, and disappear.hurting and holding back,BKI~fight~
