4-20-2002
the last 2 weeks have been horable for me... started off iwth a m*ther vist in wich she brought my b*ther iwth her... i avoided her but got stuck in panic atacks just knowing she was trying to visit... then she visted the next weekend... i knew she would be comming this time... i was mis mood ofcorse... anger gave way when i realized i couldnt' have control of the day, so i was back to my ragdoll.. my personallity that buy intop anything y mother says and denys myself.. we had a long "talk" in wish she found countless ways to turn everything around and blame it on me again... and the ragdoll just acepted it and said that mother is good and we are bad... so that kicked off self hate... and when we heard about 3 s**c*d*s that hapened in town on the morning news.. .well you can guess what that kicked off... then my kwristeen personality kicked in with a "plan" to keep us from hurting ourselfe... well her plan was to get us pr*gn*t because she knows we regard other life more imporntant than our own, and we woudn't do anything that would hurt a growning b*by... she got online and got 3 diffent guys to come over to my apartment... stangers... online... givin my address.... .. don't know if she acomplished her goal or not... too soon to tell.. i would kinda like a kid, but i know realisticly i'm not emotionaly stable enough for that. .. and don't warry.. i don't need the that was a sin speach, rebeka the church goer leagalistic personality covered that one already for us...
now i'm sittinghere just scared of what is to come... scared of being pr*gn*t .. scared oif not being.. then kwristeen will want to atempt to make it that way again.... scared to think about the furture and passage of time... i don't want to picture myself existing beyond this moment... scared to breath and scared to move.. them would prove that time is passing... and i am here wasting it... i don't know what to do with myself at this point... and that is scary... only think i can identify with at the least bit at the moment is a line in a song ... "hold me jesus because i'm shaking like a leaf" i want to be held by something, but not feeling like i can ask that of jesus... but try to ask anyway...
i do have a good christian lady i talk to online that wants me to move to NY and live there for awhile as i sort thrugh my junk.. i can't leave atleast for 8 weeks... but hoping i can keep myself busy enough with what i would pack and all that stuff till them so i don't do something i can't reverse.. if i haven't already gone that far already...
4-13-2002
VENTING TRIGGER TRIGGER ANGER LANGUARE VIOLANCE
the bitch is going to visit today.... i told her i really didn't want her to... she didn't listen, and i didn't take a stronger stand... I'M FUCKING TIRED OF FEELING RESPONSABLE FOR EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD AND EVERYONE'S FUCKING FEELING. I FUCKING CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES SHIT MORE THAN MY OWN. I FUCKING TAKE THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING WILLINGLY if i stand up to her i will piss her off and i will feel like shit for that because once again my "attitude has ruined a good day again" or i will jsu7t sit there with my mouth closed and take all the fucking shit and be the fucking ragdoll and be pissed at myself for being such a fucking wose and leting this shit continue... IT'S HER FUCKING FAUGHT I'M LIKE THIS, SHE THE FUCKING BITCH WHO RAISED ME LIKE THIS WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I CHANGE SHIT were the hell are my boundrys???? then the church ppl chime in "pray togther with her" "put the lord ahead of you" GGGRRRR CAN'T YOU SEE.. THAT TURNS ME INTO RAGDOLL AGAIN.. THERES NO FUCKING WAY TO WIN. so fucking pissed... find things that need to be thrown away and see how hard i can throw them in the trash. i want to break shit so bad. i can't fucking stay in ontrol of myself, RAGE RAGE RAGE... i'm bad i'm bad i'm bad.SCREEM TO I CRY... shaking... can't control myself... gota have control somewhere... if this day turns shity (and i don't see how it possibly can be anythingbut shity) it is my faught... how the hell can i get aroundthis?
it's either my faught for having an attitude or my faught for not saying something about my feelings. damned if i do and damned if i don't.
4-10-2002
i did some meditaion before i took a nap today.. and also looked back through some stuff in my jornal... i went "deep" within myself before drifting off to sleep... well, the dreams were not all that great, and woke up feeling just horable sick and scared. i'm not sure what all i was dreaming, been try8ing to block out the possibility of remebering, i know it didn't feel good, and now all i want to do is cry and hide. been trying to focuse on other things so i dont have to deal with it. i know i hit on some repressed stuff. and i know as long as i ignore it, it will bubble up till i can't avoid it. and i knowonce i face stuff i feel better, but my imagination is running overtime... and i feel like getting sick. i put the 8 questions that were involved with the meditation for next weeks question, or the week after that... the first Q was what am i most afraid of? as i thought about it i went deeper and deeper in myself... till the final answer came and i jumped back out not wanting to go farther... it was simply said in a childs voice " that mother will find out that we were bad" i started to ask what we did that was bad... had to run.. coudn't stay there... don't want to go backj there... i opened the jar... the bees are flying out... god i don't want to be pulled down in a flashback rght now.. i want to sleep , but know the dreams will tell the story again. ouch ouch ouch ouch ... where is my strong face??? i need it NOW god it is so fake
4-6-2002
ok, heres a novel winning idea.... journal about my day to get it out of my system so i can sleep... sound like a plan? just hope it works... ok... after my last entry my compultions finaly draged my into eating.. and i mean bing eating, junk foods, surgar shaock, the whole 9 yards of it. when that was finaly calmed down i felt better, and went on to bed happily... till 3:30am ... and the phone rings... it's mother again... crying and all worked up saying how whe thougt i was dead because she could't get ahold of me for 2 days now and... AAAAAHHHH i finaly told her she need pyschiatric help. ofcourse her crying is my faught... always has been my faught when she's not feeling good... so now i'm all worked up, can't get back to sleep, trying to convince myself that i can not do anything to fix her. so i'm up the rest of the night. on to work with 3 hours of sleep... back home after droping the car in the shop and awiting the news.. guess who shows up at my door... yeah... my favorite person.. i knew my car wasn't there so i knew she had no way of knowing i was there, so i just ignored the buzzer. ofcourse i know she's going to come back later. i close all the blinds in the place parinoid she's going to find out i'm here and what she will say about me ignoring her. i start up with what i would say to protect my good child image. i leave to get my car and i'm am hypervangant (sp?) . i finaly get back home, and kinda hoping that i can start to relax and maybe get a nap.... buzzz at the door... great.. she's back. i was going to try and sneek out the back way. too late, she found a way past the locked door.. she's knocking... i'm panicked... i can hear her talking to someone saying " i know she is here, her car is here... then she will know i ignored the buzer... damn... i can't make a noise... i'm on the floor, hiding.. crawling to the bathroom to hide. i slowly turn on the shower just incase she finds a way to get in then she will see i am in the shower and coudn't heat the buzer. luckly she can't get in, i had double locked the door, and luckaly this apartment complex dosn't alow duplicate keys like the last one did. she standt there for what seems like eternity. i don't know who she was talking to. i'm scared to know. i'm so tense. my body has been shaking all day. the more i try to pull away from her and set my boundrys the more demanding and pushy she gets, i feel like i'm stalked. i'm so hyper alert. i'm hyper typing, hyper talking, and hyperventalating. when i get home from my nmight job i frea she will be here. i fear she may have been calling, i fear she is in this apartment somewhere. much like a dream i had last week... she has taken the place of the pyco that got into my apartment and hiding somewhere... alot of reperssed fear are now transpered to her. deserving of them or not, i just want her to say away. my body has meen shaking for so long tosay that it's now major mussle spazems. i know whe is home now, realisticly i am safe, except if she calls., so i turn off the phones. but still i panic. how long can one stay in a panic attack? shall i take my mussle relaxers or will that be a bad choice with not eating all day because of the butterflys in my tummy.. hell with butterflys,, these are bees... sigh.... now what?
4-5-2002OK, to catch you up here, the week before last my online counselor friend told me that he thinks I’m BPD with PTSD.. this really pissed me off and I was all wanting to die for a week, then I took a long 4 hour, 5mile walk. thought about stuff and what one thing I want out of life: truth. so I went to the bookstore found a good book and it gave me hope. during that week I started back on my no food cycle.. so here’s my stuff about that... *major trigger warning*I started ED behaviors when I was 11.. just before I reported the sexual abuse... I thought I was pregnant so I wanted to starve the b*by away... luckily I wasn't, but I still feel horribly guilty for that... I swing majority from over eating to not eating, it started off that I would swing about once a year, then down to 6 month in HS ... now I’m swinging about each month and a half... usually I gain or lose 30-50 pounds on each swing. my goal weight is 100 pounds, if I ever get there then I will try to push it to 80... my mother who is the same farm and everything as me always told me how she was 80 pounds till she had her first kid... she is so fat and ugly now. . and I’m fat just like her... I hate her so much and looking in the mirror I see her... my mother always watched them things on TV, them made for TV movies and stuff about girl who starve and stuff... how they got too thin and almost died.. I think that's what scares me into over eating.. I start to feel too thin.. but in al reality I’m still fat... last summer my binge eating peeked me at 170 I’m at 140 now, 15 of that was lost in the last 2 weeks... I’m learning how to use pills and stuff to speed up the weight loss. truly what I’m doing is dangerous, I know the stuff I mix I shouldn't be mixing, but I don't care much anymore.I feel better about myself when I’m not eating, my body feels healthier, I don't have the ups and downs in mood and blood sugar, I do know what to eat and when to eat it to not get sick, I practly live in the heath food store, I know what vitamins and herbs to take to keep my body from getting too much damage. I feel like I can do more things... I excersize more, I have more energy, I think clearer... I like not eating. till something happens that gets me depressed.. then I comfort eat and binge again... and I can't make myself barf,, I’ve tired.. I’ve tried so hard... I’ve only barfed like 3 times my whole life, my body just doesn’t barf. I started yesterday again with the overwhelming compulsion to "do" something, and it's even stranger today... just try8ing to not make that something eating... but I feel whatever is under the surface bubbling up so strong.. kinda feels alittle bit like anger but also like fear... ggggrrrrr I will not take it out on food this time.. I must stay in control... I don't want to cut again either.. I may bruise.. I don’t know.. I must stay strong, I must stay in control.. God.. help... what is this.. bring it out so I can deal with it without don't something I don't want to do... don't let it make me start eating again... not till I’m skinny.. very skinny... I don't care if I look like I’m about to fall apart... then I would be smaller... that's what I always wanted... to be small, tinny, invisible... I try to stay small, and stay quiet... there was a saying on a T-shirt when I was in the 8th grade that said "if your not living on the edge then your taking up too much space" ... I always feel like I’m taking up too much space.. I want to be tinny, I want to get rid of all the extra junk in my apartment, I want to live in a tinny tent in the middle of nowhere, I want to have to walk everywhere so I don't pollute the environment, I don't want to have to poop or pee.. that's pollution too.. and my body needs to be small so that when I die there will be nothing but bones left to decay. I would love to be homeless so that I wasn't taking up an apartment space just for myself.. but I can't sand living with people... I can't get along with them at all... to god I'[m just one tinny speck in the big world of people... to think more of myself would be arrogant... I want to just be a speck, a nothing. I wish I was just an invisible force, the only thing good about me is my mind and my compassion for others.. if I could exist as only a mind and not a body, as a thought to influence and encourage people, but not to be a body... I hate my body... my body allows me to be hurt, if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t feel pain. even emotional pain probably can't exist without a body to hold the emotions. ... god why can't I stop shaking... so much stuff just under the surface.... I shouldn't have ate breakfast today... I want to be empty so bad right now... there’s too much in me... make it stop..please.... *tears* I feel like I’m choking on something.. I’m going to go lie down and pretend like I’m dead... and I would hope someone reads this and cares, yet I also hope that no one knows and I can stay invisible and keep my "problems" invisible. ..OK I’m really fucked up I know.. but I’d rather be whole than good... or so I want to convince myself. and no I don't need someone to get in my face and tell me how unhealthy it is and how wrong I am, don't you think I already know that? I will deal with this when I’m ready and not a moment sooner. so if you are even thinking of leaving me a message about "stop doing this" let me just warn you now I WILL tell you to fuck off. you wanta help, try and care and understand, then when I’m ready to deal with this, maybe I will talk to you about it, if you have earned my trust.
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