Daddy, i wish i was there

Daddy, i wish i was there

Letter to my earthly dad, who has gone this time forever. Dad, I know I never really knew you . And now the sorrow I now feel with your parting . I see you felt all along over not knowing me I read through all your poetry . Your rhythms and your rhymes You emotions displayed . So deep and so real Sure these were never meant for my eyes to see . For you speak of the deep pains of not knowing me you have Daddy forgive me, I did not know . From the stories my mother told . I had fit you into a mold as being cold . I never knew you always had a heart Daddy forgive me for not seeking you out . And for not letting you know . My desire to know you too Daddy, I wish I had been there . Possibly helped you find a joy I see from the words you left, . We had so much in common . We could have been friends . We could have laughed together . We could have hugged . We could have had peace . We could have shared And we both could have understood each other, . Neither one of us would have felt alone I wish now that you were here I wish we had more time . The many hours we could have spent . Debating the mysteries of life I think I could have made you smile . I think we could have laughed I know I could have understood you . And I know you could have done the same for me Daddy we needed each other My tears prove that I miss you . Although I never really knew you . I feel I know you heart Daddy I must end this letter now . Similarly to how you life ended . Suddenly, with so much left unsaid . With the pain held back, deep inside But daddy, dont be sad . For know I know you are always with me . And for that my heart may find peace.

Behind the message: My parent divorced before I was born, although my father retained partial custody and weekend visitation rights, we rarely seen him. My mother would take us out camping when it was his weekend. My mother hated my dad, didnt want us around him at all. Told us inhumanly cold stories about my dads character. When he would call to talk to us she would yell at him, when he came to visit, she started a fight again. When he didnt come, even if he already called she would make us sit on the porch and wait. When we got tired of waiting she would tell us yet another story of how horrible he was. Through her stories I came to despise my dad, although non of my feeling were based on anything I had seen from him at all. When I turned 18 I decided I wanted to meet my dad, but knowing this would make my mom mad, I told her I had to have his signature for some scholarship application because he was a veteran. I meet with him twice over lunch. I was so scared to talk, and never got to say the words I had been longing to for so many years. A month after our second visit I got a call from my dads family telling me that he had suddenly died alone in his trailer. It was over a week later that he was found. He was a very depressed guy, but very deep and philosophical. Hes poetry we found as we were cleaning out his place looked like my own writings. My father death was a major turning point in my life. The realization that all my chances were gone, meeting my half sister for the first time at his furnral, she also didnt know him, her mother had just recently told her the truth about who her real dad was. For months after his funeral I was so consumed by the guilt of not knowing him, and the sadness of him dieting so alone consumed me. I was having nightmares every night that the cops were going to come and take me away for the murder of my father. I felt that I was the cause of his loneliness and so the cause of his death. This poem/letter was an attempt to reconcile with some of my feelings surrounding his death.

life summery, some inacuratcys

JOURNAL

Let me start out with my life story.

The beginning

I got started in a disadvantage in life because I was born to a single parent household, my parents had divorced just after having my older brother, and I came to be during a magical night that they thought they were going to get back together. There was already one aborted child that was older than my older brother was, so it's a wonder that I wasn't chosen for the same fate.

Young Life through mid teen years.

There's allot of things I do not remember, some I have been told now and just accept as things that happened. The neighbor girl that was being sexually used by her dad supposedly sexually used my brother. My brother ended up sexual abusing me when I was about 5; this is my first memory of life. He and his older friend had taken me out in the woods with them to play, as I so often loved to do as a child, and still today love nature. While out there my brothers friend is the one that convinced him to do this thing with me called sex. I didn't know what they were talking about, or why I had to lay on the ground with my pants pulled down, I just did what they said, I didn't know what else to do. As I child I did what I was told, didn't question much and was very good, only things I didn't do were the things I just was not capable of. When I was in first grade the teacher handed out them m.e.a.p. Test things and we had to make M or F in a box under sex, and I remember feeling ashamed like I was going to have to either admit I had sex or lie about it. That was my first "guilt feeling" in which from that point on I decided to never tell anyone about what had happened, after all if I can feel so guilty I must have done something wrong. The sexual abuse continued till I was in the 6th grade, when I started wondering if I had became pregnant and told a friend, then the whole school found out, and almost everyone made fun of me saying that I like fucking with my brother and so on, they also decided that I was Gay for some reason, how I still am not sure. My brother was placed in a mental home for a short while, and I moved to my grandma's house when he came back home. During this time I had fell into deep depression, suicidal, starving so on and myself. No one seemed to notice the pain I was in; or else they just didn't let me know that they noticed. It seemed that they were focused on my brother. I was searching for hope in life and started watching all the preachers on t.v. And stuff and I ended up praying all them prayers to ask Jesus into my heart (even though I didn't know that Jesus was the savior at that point) and later started attending church and got baptized. That was 3-27-1994 I was 13 years old. End of my 7th grade year, but just earlier that year I was messing in the bad group of kids and really heading down a bad road, as I can see now as I seen where them people went. God saved me then from allots of trash. I became very excited about my faith, taking my bible to school, being an evangelist, it was a sudden change and my heart was just so filled with the Love of God. And I loved to do any thing I could for him, although he didn't accept me for anything I had done. I lead bible studies, was always at some summer camp, retreat, youth convention, mission trip. God's word was like a fire shut up in my bones and I could not hold it in. Also added to the sexual abuse was physical abuse as my brother got stronger and decided that he should run the house and made living scary for me and my mom. This is the actual reason he got placed in mental care for that short time. The physical abuse went on till I was 17, and I lived at home and went to bed to the words "I'm going to kill you in your sleep" every night. It was on going nightmare, but I had my Christian music and the church that help pull me through emotionally. My brother was removed from the home when I was 17 after he had beaten me bad and leaving me with an unrecognizable swollen face. Images I can still recall all too often.

Junior year

The summer before my junior year is when I devoted my life to Christian service. That year at school I lead a bible study, it was sugessful, and we had a great group, we even had a baptizem. We had lots of opposition from other students, one group of kids that would come into the room during bible study and mess around, and outside of that time they would treat to bring in guns and shoot us. All of us in the group were willing to take that risk, and if we had to, die for the Lord. And the Lord keeps us safe. There was a another group of girl at my school that were self practicing witches that were casting spells and curses on me personally. I tried not to let it bother me although I didn't know much about that stuff, so it was alittle freighting. The year-ended good, I was alittle tired from it, and started having little bits of depression that summer. Next school year I got my first job, lost it in 3 weeks, then got a second job that I was at for 8 months. I keep myself busy with that so the bible study didn't happen at school that year, and I was actually alittle glad because I was worn down from the year before. Right after I turned 18 I decided that I was going to get to know my dad despite what my mom wanted. I meet him a few times right after the New Year in 1999 during lunch and got to chat some, allot of things I left unsaid because I was waiting to get to know him better before I said them. March 15 my father passed away, found a few days latter we had the furnral April 3, since I was the last child to have contact with him I was in charge of most of the furnral arrangements. I keep my strong face on, my aunts that I hardly knew were helpful and handled all the stuff that would be too hard for me to understand like the estate stuff. I was angry with God for taking my father just then, just as I was starting to get to know him. I meet my half sister at the funeral for the first time and her 4 kids at Christmas. A well keeps family secret now in the open. Right after the funeral came graduation, then camp, then a mission trip that was already planed for a long time ahead, then VBS then time to start school, I'm still not sure how a summer can fly that fast. During that time I knew I was drifting farther from God, but I keep up my Christian image because I knew I had too. Everyone in the church was already expecting me to go to the Christian College, so despite my resent dislike of God, I went anyway.

College.

well, i went to college. had my best friend for a roomy, i was still depressed over the stuff with my dad dieing and stuff. not knowing if my dad made it to heaven or went to hell made it hard for me to deal with alot, first it was the differances in churches beliefes on how to get into heaven, then i just gave up on the whole idea of heaven and hell cuz i just didn;t want to deal with the possiblitys. then in october i wrecked my car really bad, having my own brush with reality of death, and listening to a thousand people telling me how lucky i was to be alive as i was thinking in my head each time i heard it " i wish i was dead" and feeling myself sink deeper into depression. then i started geting involved with wicca, seeing spirits and a whole bunch of really freaky stuff. i had basicly lost control over who i was, just watching what was going on rather than really particapating in my life as it has been so many times in my life. i experiances extreem manic and depressive eposodes. sleeping for days, hardly getiong out of bed, cuting myself and burning myself. then a few days latter not being able to sleep at all, filled with energy...ect ect... ect... i knew stuff was not right, but i tried to "FIX MYSELF" hopeing that no one else was seeing that i was having probloms. finaly my mommade me go to a psychitrist, they told me that i had a choice to go on meds or got into a hospital. i choice meds. first they mademe really physicaly sick, but i did note they helped me feel better after awhile. i ended up with very few credits at the end of that school year so that's why i decided to take time off and get life situated before atempting to return.

summer/fall 2000

hi all, i'm sending a message to all of you tonight, i thought about sending a message to each of you individualy, but then relized that i have to work in the morning and can't stay up all night. some of you i have recently talked to others, well.. its been too long, but for all of ya i thought i'd let ya know where i am and what evil plans i have to take over each of your minds... oh, forget that last part of that last line :-) i'm living on my own in lansing now, ah ya, freedom.. and long work days, anywhere from 70-95 hours a week (and you wonder why i've had a hard time staying in contact with you) ya i've been set free out in the "real world", and i don't see why everyone was making a big fuss about it for, it's not that much differnt from anything else. i'm mostly over the breakdown i had last winter (ya for those who don't know, i had a break down, ya, i went insane, ya i really could get more insane that i already was :-) i'm still mentaly unbalanced, but i've stoped trying to kill myself, i'm forever stuck with meds and a shrink. the shrink dosn't help, most of the "healing" i have done myself with the help of some friends that keep showing me what reality is when i get lost. my jobs are going ok, i'm a casher at meijers, a "living assistant" (direct care worker) in a group home for developmentaly disabled adults, and i take care of a lady that lives on her own that is developmentaly disabled. ya, they all keep me busy. i'm looking for a better job, something that pays $10 an hour so i can stick to the normal 40 hour work week (ya that's my american dream) spiritualy... i've been all over the place (really all over) i am still trying toi find for sure what i really believe, i thought my faith was my own and prided myself on that, but now i see that it wasn't, although i didn't try to live off from my parents faith (because there was none there to live off) but i see now that i tried to live of the faith of my pastors and friends, and i did my best to look good, and i even had myself convinced that all was the best it could be. i guess the point that my faith really died is the day my dad died, the anger i had toward this so call "loving God" that wouldn't even let me have enough time to get to know my dad just when i started wanting to know him. and maybe i could have goten over that anger, but then i had my little break down, and it seemed that God was nowhere to be found in any of it, and still not really seen sence then. i started to try to find God after my breakdown and when i moved out on my own, my intentions were good, but then i found a guy (ya a real guy that payed attention to me, ya me, that funny looking girl that no guy would notice) and since he wasn't christian, i really didn't find the need to be either. well, that guy dosn't pay that much attention to me now, and i keep myself busy with work, i decided against going back to school this year because of last years breakdown. i don't really have that much time to think about God, allthough i still ocassionaly do, and i still occassionaly pray in hope that he might be there. in my perspective right now, God knows whwer i am, and he knows how to get my attention, so when he does, i'll wake up, till then i'll enjoy this moment in life as much as i can. i truly think the most important thing is to get to know myself more and learn how to recognize my manic and depressive stages in good time so that i can do my best to keep them from controling me. i feel that i am doing rather well at this and the true test will be this winter as i have to fight the weather too. well it's nearing my bed time, and i've got an apartment to get cleaned up (if you want to come help i'll pay $10 an hour and $12 an hour for cleaning my car) good night all and hope to hear back from you all

beginning winter 2000 well i am worried that winter will get to me this year like it has all the years past, but i'm trying not to let that fear control my life. i'm still having manic and depressive swings, and i still forget to take my meds attimes, i still get parinoid and i still fight with all the voices in my head, and i'm still holding down a job and looking as if i have it togther. question remains am i really ok or have i done a great job at deception. i got a good book about listening to your inter voice, foir the first time that i can ever remeber i was actuly able to meditate and think clearly for a short amout of time from the helpful information just in the first chapter o that book. i know i have so many fragment in my being and so many misleading and confusing voices, i was extreemly glad to findthat i still have me deep inside, and it was intersting to see that that part of me is still a child, although that's what i had expected all along. i'll let you guys know more about this as i get more comfortable talking about it.till then, best wishes, be well, love and light to you all. good night all