Daddy, i wish i was there

Daddy, i wish i was there

Letter to my earthly dad, who has gone this time forever. Dad, I know I never really knew you . And now the sorrow I now feel with your parting . I see you felt all along over not knowing me I read through all your poetry . Your rhythms and your rhymes You emotions displayed . So deep and so real Sure these were never meant for my eyes to see . For you speak of the deep pains of not knowing me you have Daddy forgive me, I did not know . From the stories my mother told . I had fit you into a mold as being cold . I never knew you always had a heart Daddy forgive me for not seeking you out . And for not letting you know . My desire to know you too Daddy, I wish I had been there . Possibly helped you find a joy I see from the words you left, . We had so much in common . We could have been friends . We could have laughed together . We could have hugged . We could have had peace . We could have shared And we both could have understood each other, . Neither one of us would have felt alone I wish now that you were here I wish we had more time . The many hours we could have spent . Debating the mysteries of life I think I could have made you smile . I think we could have laughed I know I could have understood you . And I know you could have done the same for me Daddy we needed each other My tears prove that I miss you . Although I never really knew you . I feel I know you heart Daddy I must end this letter now . Similarly to how you life ended . Suddenly, with so much left unsaid . With the pain held back, deep inside But daddy, dont be sad . For know I know you are always with me . And for that my heart may find peace.

Behind the message: My parent divorced before I was born, although my father retained partial custody and weekend visitation rights, we rarely seen him. My mother would take us out camping when it was his weekend. My mother hated my dad, didnt want us around him at all. Told us inhumanly cold stories about my dads character. When he would call to talk to us she would yell at him, when he came to visit, she started a fight again. When he didnt come, even if he already called she would make us sit on the porch and wait. When we got tired of waiting she would tell us yet another story of how horrible he was. Through her stories I came to despise my dad, although non of my feeling were based on anything I had seen from him at all. When I turned 18 I decided I wanted to meet my dad, but knowing this would make my mom mad, I told her I had to have his signature for some scholarship application because he was a veteran. I meet with him twice over lunch. I was so scared to talk, and never got to say the words I had been longing to for so many years. A month after our second visit I got a call from my dads family telling me that he had suddenly died alone in his trailer. It was over a week later that he was found. He was a very depressed guy, but very deep and philosophical. Hes poetry we found as we were cleaning out his place looked like my own writings. My father death was a major turning point in my life. The realization that all my chances were gone, meeting my half sister for the first time at his furnral, she also didnt know him, her mother had just recently told her the truth about who her real dad was. For months after his funeral I was so consumed by the guilt of not knowing him, and the sadness of him dieting so alone consumed me. I was having nightmares every night that the cops were going to come and take me away for the murder of my father. I felt that I was the cause of his loneliness and so the cause of his death. This poem/letter was an attempt to reconcile with some of my feelings surrounding his death.