Anxitys and shells

when i look at my family's level of anxity i'm amazed that i can fuction as well as i can. i never understood how my mom held down a job, i guess the line of work she was in it was a benifit to check into every worry. my brother has so much anxity that he's compleatly agoraphobic and has never been able to hold a job for long. so me... i have this shell... and i resort to this shell when life gets too scarry. and God wants me to stop resorting to the shell and lean on him. that means pressing through the fear, just like pressing through the pain to find the healing. which is different from the "have to be tough to survive" this is the "choice to be tough for the sake of alowing God to strech me" and tough is't really the word for it because it's depending on God's strangth, not my own. the only difference between the two is the deeper motive. if i'm doing something i'm scared to do then that is being streched, but if i'm doing something because i'm scared of the alternative then i'm being tough. ofcourse the line get a little fuzzy when i add that i'm scared to stay in my shell because i would rather die then to have to keep living in this fear all the time, so i hand the plans over to God of how to get me out of it, and i follow as best as i know how as He instructs me. and when things don't go as smooth as i would like should i follow the temptations to go hide back in my shell? i can't handle that bondage much longer. buissness as usual is over opens doors that would not normaly be open in church settings, but i also relize i have to have mercy on those who are not ready to take that bull fully by the horns. when love is put before buisness the church looks compleatly different, and it's offensive to those who are used to buissnes as a substitue for leaning on God for every step and decision. they got stuck on what things "should" look like. how a pastor should look and how the church should look and how the service should be planned and the systamatic way that God should be studied and the say we should pray. and it's not just the church, it's society because if a kid dosn't act they way they should in school they get put on a pill. and that excludes more than 50% of society that can't fit into the "norm" and leaves them hurt and broken. God calls us all to go out and bind up the wounds of the broken hearted, but most churches refuse to be accosiated with "those" people. but if everyone took an honest humble look at themselves they would see that they are no different than "those" people. then they can start to drop their fake status quo acts and start being real, then that opens their hearts for God to make some real changes in them instead of just being pew warmers and going through the motions. and a change like that is rarly slow and suddle, it's a toss caution to the wind and jump off the cliff into God's arms not just waiting till life pushes us off the cliff and we try to hang on for dear life... it's realizing that we are standing on the cliff of our own strangth and running and jumping off. it's trusting that God can see us through any difficult scarry thing. once we jump off the cliff, thats when we can mount up on wings like eagles, run and not grow werry... when we let go of the need to do it all ourselves and surrender our life and will over to God. so the answer to if it's being tough or if it's being streched is more simply surrender. funny how it still keeps comming back to that word that seems to have started this all. and it's the word that works for "these" people and for "those" people alike. because those used to church looking a certain way need to surender to God changing things and that's just as hard as these people getting used to alowing God to manage their life and not lean on the own strangth and understanding, and really the these and the those are doing the exact same thing yet still see eachother on opposite sides of the fense. there are many things that bind all humans togther with the whole earth of other humans, having feelings is one of them, because even the coldest of person has feelings, they just shut them off because the pain of holding on to them was too much to handle, so some of the hardest criminals were actully the most sensitive of heart at the start, the trick is getting people to look deeper than their protective tough outter shell. we could come up with a whole list of things that bind all humans togther... like the need for love, surrender, the need for God. being real and open about the needs of humans is what will bring them in with hungry eyes looking for that freedom to stop pretending. that freedom is only in Jesus who's name can break every chain.
this is the type of stuff i post on facebook all the time, i'm gaining a following of people who read my every post, even when i post 10 status updates a day. people eat this stuff up, atleast those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are desperate and hungry for something more. the gates will open and the people will flood in when they see that this is what is being offered. i don't know if i will ever be able to alow God to streach me enough to be able to speak these things like this, but for now it seems no one is ready to hear it in the church anyway. maybe that's why we are being called out to the highways and byways... maybe we can't wait for church people to get it, that the needs of the lost and dieing are too urgent to wait for "typical christians" to get involved. maybe they will not catch on untill they see that it will work to win the hearts of the people. and i know this isn't just me and my "theology" of sorts, because i am hearing it and seeing it pop up everywhere in little peices. the church people may forever scolff at the idea of giving a susan boyle looking person a chance because they have forgoten that God dosn't look at the surface, He looks at the heart. it seems the world is quicker to give the odd balls a chance than the church is, so the church is so backwards from the heart of God. they read into the scricptures to prove their own agaendas rather then alow God and His nature to inturperate what it really means. the church is more blind and in bondage that they realize because even if it is presented in a perfectly make sense way, they still will not understand. they lack the wisdom knowladge and understanding to be able to see God's character outside their box. i see these things so clearly at times yet i can never seem to put them in words, and when i do the people who listen are too confused blinded and bound to ever understand. so i may be fighting a hopeless war, but if i had let the hopelessness stop me i would never have made it this far. i can do all things through christ who gives me strangth. and that strangth includes the courage to come out of my shell... and even if people want to shove me back in that shell, i need to keep comming out and taking a stand because that is what God has set for me to do, and i know my life, my health, my everything that keeps getting better in my life is because i keep pursuing what God wants for me and not my own comfort. i'm sold out yet still being held down by those who are not ready yet. yet if i don't practice now i will not be ready to launch when the time is right. and it's not about me taking a stage, because i would love to see others do so, expessialy if God can do it better through someone else, i'm humble like that, i'm also scared like that. so for me to speak up is surrender for me. and it seems the more not ready i feel the more God pushes me forward , so i'm more ready when i'm not ready... and i know i will get things wrong and screw stuff up but we learn by experance, the more we fail the more we learn, the more the mistakes the more we have oportunity to grow. i like someone's reply to my facebook posts one day.... they said that God never wastes a single tear or hurt, only people waste such things, and they waste them by wallowing in them and not using them as a medium for change. tears arw like the water in the pool, floating objects are so much eaiser to move than things on dry land... how do you move a mountain? put it in a pool of tears and let the water or spirit do the work.
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Whenever we try to skip a step we end up having to come back and repeat it. the short cut is just an illusion that keeps us thinking we are moving forward while we are still just traped. Running from the pain only numbs the feelings, both the good and the bad. it takes more courage to face it than to avoid it. there is no perfect time to start. it's important to remeber that it dosn't have to be perfect the first time, sometimes we have to just try to get the momentum moving, theres time to perfect the process later. if we are to live in the truth and the light in life changing ways then every word of the bible tends to get reframed in the mind from when it was read from the tough it up and judgmental mindset. we can always read something and twist it to fix what we want. in high school our english teacher had us read a poem and we each had to write about it's meaning. we all had differnt answers on what it ment. then he pulled out what the author intended it to mean and that was compleatly differnt from what the author had later wrote to explain it. with this in mind we can understand why there is so much false doctrine, intense theologies and fighting beweeen churches. everyone holds tight to what it means to them but never see God outside of the box of their own understanding. without the holy spirit it is impossible to see beyond our own perpectives. then there is the fear of change and that carries some pride of not wanting to admit we could ever be wrong. we all try to self comfort our life's because we havn't learned how to fully rely on God and eachother. then there's the people who never try to self-comfort, they can only begg others for comfort. usally because of lack of good role models of how to handle pain. theres gota be a balance somewhere there. that's a fuzzy area still. bearing with oneanother is hard, expessialy when our own pain is crying from deep inside and begging for the healing touch. then we build resentments toward those who do ask for help. i don't know what the end product of all this work will look like, i don't want to try to put it into a mold before God molds it in His way. it just will not be right like that. i tried to fit into molds my mom had of me with being rebecca of sunny brook farm... and i nievely accepted my mothers mold of my father instead of getting a chance to know who he was for myself. i'm well practiced in trying to make things look right on the outside while everything inside is out of place. it will always be a temptation to skip the steps and make it all look good, expessialy when societys pressures to buck up to be more acceptable and fun to be around. then messages about not being self centered and self seeking get scewed into pretending away the pains. pain that can't go away with distracting the mind needs to be taken to the great physisian. some pains will work themselves out with just a little time, love and a hug, some need to be talked through with someone to process it. and someone not used to processing it will need a lot of extra time on that step till they learn some skills to do it themselves. i don't think anyone truly enjoys being a burden on others, maybe there are a few weirdos out there. i'm glad the bible says to bear with oneanother eachothers burdens, but so many people have been stuffing for so long they can't help with someone elses burdens because their own are too much to bear. God's yoke is easy and He is the sorce of rest and strangth while walking this long dark hard roads. whenever it feels like to much we just cry out to Him. we are never alone in our pain like that because He is always near. surrender and cry out is all that it takes to access that spirit place of rest and strangth. There is no perfect time to start. there may only be moments to let small peices out for a little while, but that gets the momentum going. hopeing for a moment when the schedual is clear for a langth of time then expecting that we can just sit down and start the process that we have been holding off on... it dosnt work that easy... that's a buisness aproch to emotions, and emotions will not conform to the molds we often wish they would. the longer it's held on to the harder it is to get it to come out when the oportunity arises. holding on for another day makes it hurt more in the long run. doing one thing a day to let a little bit out becomes very important. time dosn't heal many types of wounds, and those type will get worse when ignored then when they do come out it's a lot more ugly and dramatic than organally required. so think about 1 thing a day minimum. what can ya do today. what one thing can you write about it or draw a picture about or make a song about. we have to make the time. even if it's a 15 min. break. when i first started dealing with stuff i would keep something with me, usally my blankie, but it can be a small object of any choicing. and whenever i had that object in my had was "ok" time to process a little. then when it was time to get back to work and life the object would be put away. my blanki helped alot, it absorbed the tear

Hope and Healing in HIM (playlist)

Bathwater baby

My faith was like the baby in the bathwater, when it got too furstrating that it wasnt working it all got tossed out. but the baby want real, it was a lego sculpture that i tried to build myself and breath life into. when i tossed it all out the legos shattered apart. when the time became right God had me go start colecting the peices and start to rebuild according to His plan. when all the peices got put where He wanted them, He breathed into this baby and i was given new life.
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RE: From bki.dream@gmail.com

It seems the current lessons are to break me of my remaining self-sufficent toughness. im not doing to well at surrendering to that... i was only ever loved for what i could do and never for who i was. my feeling thoughts and moods were always unacceptable behaviors, so its very hard to let anyone into this place in me that has been condemed as a waste land for so long. the walls of toughness stand tall and thick, but God has been knocking out some bricks one by one. unforently everything that has built up on this side of the wall is really ugly, smelly and intense. so as this sewage starts to leak out it effects those around me in what i have been taught as negative ways. im so afraid of losing tender relationships, i really never learned proper social stuff, it was all bad messages of shame.

Social difficulties perspective from a girl living in a closet.

Living from one extreme to the other is such a destructive cycle; it destroys not only ourselves but also the relationships around us. Even harder is learning how to stop it. knowing where to draw the lines, knowing what is the baby and what is the bath water, because it if were as easy as picking up a baby then this cycle wouldn’t have been going this long. There is so much confusion and mixed messages and reading into all the wrong things. I wish I could read the language the instruction manual was written in. but maybe that’s the problem, I’m trying to figure it out logically because I’m so afraid to feel from my heart because of how much pain is there. The longer I live the more it feels like all the "education" I had has no real value. maybe that because my life was overly stressed with education and there was no balance, it was all about getting smart and proving one’s self... and now that mentality is nothing but destructive to every good thing God is giving me. I guess God really is remaking me, I guess the need to die to self and be born again is truly very important. I think about all the social rules my mother tried to teach me... with her social anxieties included... this is where I have to sort out what is what, and on my own power, I am clueless. if you ask my friends they would say that I don't care at all about the social rules, that's because the only time they see me is when I toss out everything and get brave enough to go against all my mother’s rules... when I’m living under my mother’s rules I am hiding in a closet crying that no one knows that I’m crying and no one helps me even though they have no way of knowing because it's socially unacceptable to ask and be needy. I don't know how to make peace with these two waring sides of me. I don't know how to find the middle ground. I have no clue what the balance looks like. But God knows. and so many things I have learned from God, yet this social stuff is slightly different because I can't learn it from sitting in a closet with my bible talking to God, there has to be social experiences happening, that means I have to step outside and risk the hurts to myself and risk that I’m going to hurt my friends. I don't like risks, I live so cautiously... except when I toss out all my mother’s rules... then I’m reckless and dangerous... then I do hurt people and just run and cry in my closet again. I don't know if "normal non-abused" people go through this, but I know most abuse survivors do unless they had some person in their life that really showed them the ropes of this stuff. Living life so locked in these patterns, never experiencing true freedom, tossing it all out isn't the same as true freedom. Sitting down and reading a list of rules of social things doesn’t help, I’ve tried that... it just added more shame and guilt. I think I need to approach it from the opposite side, removing one rule at a time. Living from the heart is hard, very hard. It’s hard to stay here and not put up my defenses whenever there is a potential offense. I live behind so many walls and fences and all these things that divide my soul and keep me from being whole. And I wish it could just all be changed instantly and at once, I wish I could just forget the past and have everything be healed, but it doesn’t work like that. I should know, I think I’ve tried it more times than most people; my stubborn strong will has been hard at work. trying to please everyone yet trying to find freedom for myself... two extremes that keep me from focusing on what God wants... and I’m not claiming I know what that is, I’m still searching and breaking down one wall at a time to get a clearer picture, because from where I sit in this fleshly human condition I can never fully know or fully understand, but unless I start working on one thing at a time I will forever be completely blinded. I’m sure people will read this and think I’m nuts and wonder why it's so hard and what the big deal is about... either they haven’t had the same experience or they are not yet to the place that they can understand this yet, so if ya don't get it, just don't judge. Just listen, and keep listening and maybe I will eventually be able to put it in terms you can understand. Words are not my strong point, when I’m typing it gets easier, but speaking is almost impossible. That has to do with this closet I live in far away from social contacts. I need this healing so bad, so please forgive me when I break the rules, when I get desperate and needy, and also when I pull away and hide and become too scared to say what is wrong. out of sight out of mind is probably worse than in your face and annoying, please don't be afraid to pry into my world when I’m pushing away, in a way that still respects my space, I may keep trying to hide but I will know that you care and that you love me. I will still be trying to figure out how much I can really trust, and that is a long process to earn my trust. And while you are working on that I will also be working on learning how to give mercy, because in my child like mind I can only trust you if you do everything perfectly. Maybe that's because of what seemed to be the expectation of me for so long, I was only acceptable when I was being perfect, adorable, cute, helpful, loveable... I was never accepted when I was emotional or unpleasant. and I am learning that I have to allow God to accept me in those times before I can accept than anyone else can me accepting on me then. my view of God is tainted by how adults in authority in my life treated me so it really takes a long time for me to get a clear picture of who God is and His true character, and yes I’m studding that and allowing God to give me the experiences to help me see that it is true. Healing cannot come unless I am doing this part, the me and God part. No one can fix me or heal me, but God can use very special people in my life at the right times to help me understand what I need to know. And I can easily lose the balance of that and start to think it's all about the people when it's really all about God because all the hurts were about people, God didn't hurt me, people did. And it seems odd to think that something other than the source of pain can heal the pain, but truly, that's the only thing that can. So all the co-dependant enablers are only going to cause me to get worse and not better. Please don't try to help an abuse survivor unless you are closely walking in step with the Holy Spirit and seeking God's wisdom knowledge and understanding on every step. Usually what people see and try to figure out from what they see is opposite of the truth, because what I show is overcompensating for the lies I believe, so when I’m trying to make everyone happy and going to the ends of the earth to do so, what people see is a meddling annoying person that is in it for themselves that doesn’t seem to care about the needs of others. This is true on so many things, this is why it takes so long to get to the truth of things, because even I knowing the truth requires an awareness of such things that only God can give. Healing cannot happen outside of God, coping, yes maybe, but not healing.

By Your Side Lyrics Tenth Avenue North Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face, just don't turn away Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run, to where will you run? 'Cos I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Look at these hands at my side They swallowed the grave on that night When I drank the world's sin So I could carry you in and give you life I wanna give you life And I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you 'Cause I, I love you, I want you to know That I, yeah I love you, I'll never let you go No, no And I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call And please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side My hands are holding you

God's Work In Progress: God, Gays, and Chick-fil-A: An Examination of the ...

I LOVE this! thank you stacey!

God's Work In Progress: God, Gays, and Chick-fil-A: An Examination of the ...: I can only speak for myself, but I have a slight hunch that I might be speaking for all of us who work at Chick-fil-A when I say this: We ...

Stop fliping out.

Ive survived worse so i guess i should just not worry so much about not being able to pull out of each emotional spiral... start to trust that God will catch me everytime. trust in a logical and not emotional way. still that dosnt really make the emorional space much easier. idk. so ready to just withdraw from the world, but maybe that would be a good thing. maybe relationships were never ment to work out for me. maybe im just in that emotional funk when nothing seems like it will ever be right just so i learn to trust God more. and maybe if i stoped fighting Him, He would help me get there faster. and maybe i shouldnt consider restructuring my life plans and all my relationships when im in a bad mood. im just sick of the bad moods. but i guess thats like being sick of breathing stinky air... it just has to happen sometimes... so if i practice acceptance of such things as a part of life, maybe i will not get as wacked out about every little thing. maybe its up to God and not up to me to lable or unlable things as hopeless and maybe i should trust that He sees and knows more than i do. maybe someday He will change me enough so that ppl dont see me as such a hopeless cause. maybe. someday. Sent with Verizon Mobile Email

My heart aches; my head doubts all that I should know I stepped forward in faith, yet fell on my face When I questioned if that was really you calling my name How shallow I must seem to you How fragile and easily confused Undeserving of any further consideration from you My life I lay before you You reach down, and take my hand You lift me up from this mud I put myself in So undeserving of your love, yet your grace pours out to wash me clean I don’t have to pretend I have it all together I don’t have to hide my tears from you You hold them in your hand then lay them on the ground Where the seed of love was perfectly placed To grow me into a child of your own. Love so amazing, grace so complete You hold nothing good back from me When I seek your face You love me anyway You bring beauty from these ashes Like nothing in life that I’ve ever known I seek to seek you more than anything on this earth For that is what is required For me to understand how much you loved me When you sent your son to the cross for me Dying in shame He who deserved to be crowned highest king and richest in the world The lowest of deaths, yet I claim that my life is unfair How shallow I must seem to you Undeserving of any further consideration My mind says run and hide in shame Still I seek you still You lift me up from this mud I put myself in So undeserving of your grace, yet you wash me clean Such a perfect love that no human can ever give Love so amazing, grace so complete You hold nothing good back from me When I seek your face Now you call out to me, to take all that you have given Look to my side and pass it along To learn to love like you do To see past the faults and guide others to a better place with Grace With the strength that only you can give You ask me to stand in the gap For those who are far from where you are And even when they spit in my face Like they did many times to you Stay faithful to the cause Because you loved me anyway Long before I seeked you You were calling my name I fought and cursed you Pushed you as far away as I could I nailed you to that cross I put those thorns on your brow I pierced your side Hoping you would die and leave me alone And stop telling me how much you want me Yet you loved me anyway And when I seeked your face You held nothing good back from me You washed the history clean with your grace And you loved me like I was always your own Love so amazing, grace so complete

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This mornings words

This morning... the differnce beween 3am at mt. zion vs the 3am here.... well spiritual position difference.... at mt. zion i placed myself in Gods hands compleatly and just listened to what He had to say and wrote it down, alowing Him to pick the topics and guide the conversation. here i talk to God and half hazerdly alow His hand to guide my thoughts to where He wants to speak to me... here God's hand leads me, but greater it was there when i was in God's hand compleatly. When im only following God's hand the temptaion is there to try to force and direct His hand to what I want. it is simply not as effective.
one of the challenges God is giving me right now is to find deeper security in Him and trust Him more. sin is simply defined as missing the perfect mark. the root of sin is not trusting God and the modivation for sin is trying to find security outside of God. its not a list of rules of right and wrong, its about drawing closer to where God is. seeking Him, desiring to be where He is. if we are not there yet, we can ask God to fill us with that desire. we have not because we ask not. ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock on Gods door and He will answer. i used to feel like i was tryimg to force God to love me, to earn my way into His love like some adopted child that just was hard to love. i kept seeking God, i asked Him boldly if i was His child ... He answered with His love. He showed me things i couldnt learn from a book or have anyone else teach me. seek Him. seek first the kingdom of heaven and God's rightousness, then all these things that we Need will be added... even what we didnt know that we needed... and God will strip away the things we thought we needed but only trip us up and hinder our veiw of Him.

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL264EA592C0BE1126 Hope and Healing in HIm youtube chanel .. also check out my grace chanel.

All my life i have listened to the lies that im worthless and incapable of having any value to anyone. i longed so much for aproval and acceptance. then i relaized i valued the wrong things... when i changed my focus to God and started to seek only His heart, that's when i found my value... from Him and through Him and to Him ... are all things.
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FW: Trust the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding

Subject: Trust the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding

Sometimes the lessons are to go deeper in an area of life... trust the Lord with all of you heart, lean not on your own understanding. in all of your ways acknowlage the Lord and He will make your path straight. dare to experiance how deep that promise goes and just how straight and easy that path can become. surrender your heart to the Lord God forever. His ways are higher He is our provider. His love cast out all fears...

Oh what peace we often fordfit, oh what needless pain we bear

oh what peace we often forfit, oh what needless pain we bear... all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer. even if we think God will not have an answer for the small thing, if we assume that and not give Him the chance we are cutting off the chance for a blessing. when we are quick to respond to a teaching with saying its not for us before we prayerfuly consider if God is trying to tell us something through that person, we are cutting off a chance for God to bless us and grow us. often the things we dismiss the fastest are the things God wants us to hear the most because the devil wants us to hear it the least. the power that was released into my life when i got this lesson has been an unstopable force for God. without this power i would accomplish nothing and just keep beating my head against the wall in frustration that things are not moving fast enough or going right. it changed from being in the wrong place at the wrong time to always being in the right place at the right time and having that overwhelming experiance of being God's child, loved and accepted by Him. it gave me the power to defeat the devil in areas he had me traped before, the power to overcome things that i never believed possible. Sent with Verizon Mobile Emai

Lord more Love of thee i need.

Once earthly joy i craved, sought peace and rest; now thee alone i seek; give what is best: this all my prayer shall be, more love, o christ to thee. more love to thee, more love to thee!
let sorrow do its work, send grief and pain; sweet are thy messengers, sweet their refrain, when they can sing with me, more love O Christ to thee, more love to thee, more love to thee.
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Because of what Christ has done for me, i make this declairation

Because of what Christ has done for me, i make this declareation that i will be patient and kind. i will not boast or take pride in myself. i will not be reckless in my ways with others. i will not insist on my own way. i will not be eaisly provoked. i will not ponder the ways of evil or take joy in unrightous ways or joking, i will find my joy only in the truth, remebering that Jesus is the way the truth and the life. i will endure patiently the trials of the lessons of life with trust and faith in God's plan for my spiritual well-being. and i will place the well-being of others into God's hands and not carry on about their faults and stir up strife. I will ask God to help me in all these areas knowing that if i keep all of these things i will have power through God to do all things in His plan for me.

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the lessons never end in prepairing me for this ministry (and being compleatly healed whole and set free myself)... and they dont get eaiser either... well atleast yet... im hopeful that the biggies will all be done soon... my fear is being delt with... that moment when something scarry happens and sudenly im a little girl again running to the closet to hide... God is putting lots of those moments in my path. learning to deal with ppl when im terrified of them... and not just deal with them.... deal with them in Love.... my heart is being cut to the core while im shaking in my boots... my trust in God has to grow in all areas to rise through this lesson. trust in Him as my protector...which was the last lesson... so this is the rubber meets the road part... it is amazing how God puts all this in the right order.

FW: Separation

ive been wanting to study more about how the shepherd leads and protects sheep... seems like everytime i hear something about it, it is such a good lesson. there are so many things i want to study more... i want to hurry up and learn so i can get past my flaws faster... but when im learning im whinning about how harsh the lessons are. ive carried the christian lable since i was 13 ... other than a few years of unitarian wican and a few other self made creative names ... yet i still feel like such a baby christian in so many ways. its like im learning everything again with new eyes... everything i thought i knew about God and life and everything... He is the potter and He does break us down and build us back up... i spent time on potters wheels... if ya take too long making a vase then the bottom dries out and flys off the wheel... its back to square one with re wetting all the clay and mixing it all togther again... its a very messy job... everything within 5 foot of the wheel gets covered in the slop water that keeps the clay wet... i can picture other vases and things waiting to be made getting anoyed at the slop mess comming from the vase on the wheel... i can hear the vase being sensitive and crying about the ugly mess it is creating in the potters hands... all the slop that gets splashed on the bystanders... to be a bystander... splashed by mud... no real change happening in their own shape and probaly feeling like they dont have a chance of being more than they are... stuck... splashed apon when they are trying their hardest to keep themselves clean... since it is all up to themselves at that time since they have not put themselves in the potters hands... they are broken pottery laying around waiting.. their peices scattered... trying themselves to protect what is left of themselves. shatter... hopeless... i spent a lot of my life in that spot. i still keep triping over myself thinking its up to me to fix and preserve myself... genneraly its been taking 2 weeks with each lesson ... 2 weeks before i relize i have to put it in Gods hands compleatly... 2 weeks to get through the steps and backsteps and the whole dance before surender. the roller coaster of it all... it gets to be a long werry road and i want that instant matrix style download so i can jump up and know how to do all the kung foo instantly... and sometimes God does simular to that with grace and wisdom... i can drive myself beyond crazy second guessing myself then when im sure of something i drive myself crazy thinking everyone else is second guessing me. i love it when im in the spirit... but then i wonder what everyone else is thinking of me and if they aprove... its like i need reasurance all the time... my mother never did the reasurance and good job stuff... she thought it would give me a big head.... so instead i have this whillwind of insanity to fight in my head. and i dont even know why im going on with all this right now... i guess its a menstral mood thing or something... im just so amazed at everything i see God doing... i did photography for a vbs 2 years ago... the little bracelett i still ware i got from there says "watch for God" at first i had to really look hard to see Him... i knew He was there but i wasnt experiancing Him... now im experiancing Him in so many overwhelming ways. i still feel so unworthy to be a part of Him. i still feel ppl look at my flaws and think im not a part. i know the trials im going through are to secure me in Him. i know the whispers in my ear from the devil that im just an anoying step child that isnt really wanted ... im just an obligation to Him... not really loved... God is breaking all that and healing all that so the devils arrows can no longer peirce my un armored heart. i know im still a pain in the butt to many ppl... but He is healing that too... i hope... i hope i get it right eventually... i hope i dont anoy too many ppl in the process... i have gone through so many sets of friends... so many groups of ppl... manybe they didnt get as tired of me as i thought they did... maybe i ran before giving them a real chance... maybe i wasnt ready for a real chance. i am now... but i worry that if something bad does happen that i wouldnt be able to handle another fail... but im seeing that God is there to catch me... and He provides the stranth to get through anything... but i dont want to have to go through everything... but the refining makes things more pure... more pure... i was so unpure... so unclean... i dont know how God can really get all those stains out... He is God... so he can do anything... but why does he bother with such messes... why does He keep holding on to things so dfar gone... He sees potental... is it possible that He really loves me that much to really see me through all this... thats a lot of junk to wade through... yet He keeps picking me up out of it every time... everytime i ran back to the swamp because i felt it was all i deserved.... He waited for the right time to offer me His hand to pull me back out. He waited till i desiered so much to be out of that muck that i would choice to ignore that lier that kept telling me that it was all that i deserved... with all the hope i could muster up to barly whisper out to Him for help... He was there. and even though i often feared He would drop me and leave me in the muck... i had to just stay with Him and give Him that chance... He keeps proving time and time again that He is faithful... trustable, dependable... how many time i wouldnt give anyone a chance... the first sign of troubles i would run... fearfull of abandonment... thinking if i cut the string first then it wouldnt hurt as bad. i need to get this story out to all those still there... all those still not sure that God will be faithful, all those beliving that they dont deserve the Love He has for them. i know abuse survivors are in that spot... but many others are too that grew up in fairly normal homes... anyone who questioned if they are loveable... ever... im guessing that is everyone at some point in their life. and i know many of those ppl walk around churches calling themselfs christians and dressing like one and talking like one as best as they know how... hoping that they will look enough like one to be grafted into Gods love... hoping they can do enough and be enough... they are the goats... and the marths and eores and the bobs... and all the other names we put on them... they are also the perfect looking family that seems to have it all togther. lets get real and help eachother heal.

FW: hope and healing in Him

the walls that we build to keep us safe also eeps out love. serves only to thicken the fears in our hearts that we are never good enough or strng enough to face life on lifes terms. sometume in our frustration and restlessness we jump out of our box with reckless abandonment with an unprepaired soul that is a magnet for all that is scarry and bad. there is a right way to do it. when we are ready yo face the hard qwork... the Teacher will arive. the resulting chqanges can shock us all. LORD teach me your holy ways. psalms 20:7 do not trust in the things in this temporary world. only the wise seek God.