it's tough to do what is right and not let your emotions take control

yes, i know. i know what i need to do. my emotions are a wild bull bucking at every attempt to do what needs to be done. i know it's not the end, at least i hope not. but i guess you can never really know when your walking by faith and everything is black around you. cold darkness. fears from the past make reactions to current life so outa wack. fighting away all that i know to be illogical, hoping i'm not missing something that will trip me up. yes i do want to know God's will. i'm usably afraid to even want to know because i'm afraid i would only disappoint him. but right now i do want to know if i'm going the right direction or if i'm just making a big mistake. i'm torn between what i want to do, what is logical and what i think God is calling me to do. i don't think i'm ready for the step i'm about to take. 25:36... time until i start this new journey. i pretend to be brave, but i am scared. i want to cry out and scream for them not to let me go because i'm afraid i will be letting go forever, and i don't want to lose what has been, or possibly had been, that's another hard thing to know. if i trust them and believe that they are telling me the truth than all will go fine. but that's the problem... my trust. And maybe this is just right, that i take this big step and still trust. i'm just so afraid of having my heart broken again. how many pieces can a heart be in and still function? i know i'm strong, i've made it though so much. that was physical. this is emotional. and ya i've made it though a lot, but letting go of built up walls of false beliefs that i have used to protect myself for so long, and trust my heart to God. trust that my father, my king, my savior is not leading me to a place of self-destruction, but it leading me out of it to a place of His love. all the straws that i grasp for to keep my l ife afloat, i need to let go of. trying to heal my own wounds and not seek the help of the great healer... has got to change. 25: 27 the clock ticks away. how am i going to sleep tonight? God looks after the sparrow... he clothes the grass of the fields, how much more will he care for me, his child. how great a love, how can it be, let his grace about to me. let his love heal all my wounds and make me whole. from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, all i need is Him. He will take care of me and make sure everything turns out ok. my heart is so broken that people say they love me, people say good things about me, but i can never let it in. and it hurts. to hold on to all this pain. to think everyone who cares is going to be the next one to hurt me. this life has got to change. i go back and forth from terror and and fear to God given peace. i'm scared to be in this world alone, but i am not alone, God is with me. i have my friends, but i know i will be separated from them at times. the comforts of life will be taken away from me. i will find new ways to survive that do not depend on those straws, but on God. like eligha wondering the desert preparing the way of the Lord. living off the land, the locus and honey... ok maybe honey... but there is no way i'm eating bugs! the mission trip in my own state.