july 24. comment on prevous entry... don't ya hate it when ya havn't had enough sleep and stressed out and not rational??? and don't ya hate it even more when you go and try and talk to someone and they don't understand the situations and think your crazy and give you a psyc eveal?. yeah.. ok.. anyway.. that was then, debbie is getttingbetter now. so ... past be past. i've got an icky chest cold and pms at the same time and i'm just tried of dealing with everything. the kids are way too much for me to handle. jesse has this thing that as soon as his parents are not around he love to threaten me. now true that a 7yr old probaly could never hurt me, although he did leave a bruse on me the other day... but... it's the princaple, i'm just sick and tired of being thretened like that. now i'm stiuck here withthe kids,, there father is passed oput on the couch and ofcorse they don't l9sten to a word i say. go figure. I CAN"T HANDLE THIS SHIT. once i get workingi will nothave time to even know what's hapening here and i will be soooo happy. i'll work 3 jobs even if i don't nbeed to finacialy just to stay away from here.
june.. 30th or something like that..... i'm going to break my own trigger rules here... so .. TRIGGER WARNING suicidal contant.
if debbie dosn't make it... i will kill myself... she's the only person in the world right now... i can not live withoout her... i could kill myself now for not knowiubg what was hapening and geting help for her sooner and also for not moving here sooner so that i would have more time with her. but.. if she lives i don't want to do have to see her live knowing that i killed myself... so... there it is... my feeling...
6-13-2002
today was the last day of school, the thought of it comming to an end was hard, saying bye to the kids i just stayed numb, but when i went to turn in the keys... i wanted to cry soooo bad., but.. i didn't. too wimpy to cry. i didn't want to say at the end of the year lunch, didn't want to really face it was the end. i loved that job so much, and them kids... i want to steel some of them and take them with me. i got home and crashed into bed, couldn't keep myself goinging to find more hours of work at my other job. i can't really figure out what was all going on. but my head was going werid, not sure if this is somehow a flashback or just something so hard to deal with that i just wanted to disacosiate from it. what ever the case. i was sure out of it for a few hours there. i'm not sure if i managed to deal with it, or just burry it deep enough. probaly just burried. it's so hard to learn to deal with feelings, it just comes more natural to push them down.
6-6-2002
ok since i havn't wrote in here in a whole month now.. guess i should. not really much to say, just alot of little things as i work on packing my stuff. little by little i come closer to acomplising this imposible task. that stuff from a month ago is still bothering me... that guy that i had to get help me get home and help fix my car was an ex b/f's best friend and was jelous that i went out with my ex b/f instead of him and gave me this big long thing abou how he feels that i owe him sex and stuff.. i was scared he was going to try and rape me or something, iknow he has done that sort of stuff wth other ppl before.. so i was scared and that triggered stuff about my sexual abuse that i've just been barly touching the surface of latly. but other than that, everything else seems to be going ok. yeah. sure.. i don't really believe that.. but, i dont' know... just a few days left... i'm not sure i want this but.. ya know... part of me wants to part of me dosn't and the rest is indiffernt. so it's all just so ... wild... trying not to think about how everything feels because theres just too much conflict there to deal with. sometimes i wonderif being co-countious with the littles is such a great thing... but yet i'm used to it... it's been this way for many years, but theres more of them and their feelings are more clear and it's harder... life is easer with no feelings, theres alot less internal conflicts. why the hell do they say it's more healthy to have feelings??? i don't get it.... i just know what they say, and some of us understand it i guess, if non of us did i don't think we would be healing like this... maybe.... someday the answers will come... but for now... i want to hide. go to my dark place... dark girl loves to sit in the dark, where there is not enough light to see your hand rignt in frount of you. if you can't see it, it's eaiser to say that it dosn't exist, and when it is that dark then no one can find you, they could be touching you and not even know it, so you can be safe... so we wait for the dark, and go to the darkest room. we find peace there. peace from the safe feelings of the blinding darkness. it is here that we can talk about our real feelings. it started with hiding in the closet... that was a safe place, we were never found there. i want the darkness ... the freedom from self, the safty of being hiden. this is our feeling ~sincerly, hiden dark girl.
5-6-2002
my car left me stranded sat night in the bad part of town after the busses stoped running... i had to get alold of my mother and depend on her once again. i can't wait till i get to NY... my friends there are all dependable. ... but this ment i had to spend yet another day with my mother this weekend.... a day that i wasn't even prepared for. other than a book i picked up0 on friday about verbaly abuseive relationships... i'm so glad o got that book... theres a whole chapter of afermations, reading that just really really helped. and for that whole day with my moter, 85% of the time i stayed myself and didn't switch out to my little ragdoll kid. i actuly confronted her and stoped her when she started another controling statment. i set my boundrys, i expalined that i would not tolorate having my feeling tossed aside and dismised. it was so cool. we went to church togther sun. morning after geting the car toed. she hadn't been to my church before. the preaching minister preached about ...BOUNDRIES!!! that was so cool, i had god behind me suporting me. finaly as i got my mother home, i droped her off at grama's house so she could barow there extra car and i could take her car, and just in passing my grampa said to me in frount of my mother " don't let your probloms get you down too much, you know most of them are because of your mother" .. that was SO cool... i've never had anyone in my family valadate that my mother was doing anything wrong before. i think valadation is the key, the more i get valadated, the stronger i feel. and the whole thing of sercing for memories was to help me remeber so that i felt valadated in my emotions ... so it's cool... i feel alittle bit more secure and alittle bit more whole.
lets just see how long this can last......
even tho the fear was almost non-esistant and i felt like i was the one in control of my life for the first time, it still toaltaly drained me out. mentaly i'm like running around so happy and stuff, but physicaly my body is about to give out.. so it's nap time

5-4-2002
the on going saga.....
ok.. so i told my mother i'm moving out of state.... she ofcourse didn'thadleit to well, i should waitedlonger to tellher, but ihave a big mouth. so she's all upset and crying and telling me how she needs me and all that stuff, and ofcorse i'm to soft heared to turn my back on that...
i decided to talk toher pastor about it. andhe set up a meeting with her me and him. there was some good stuff and some bad stuff. he agrees that i needto get out from under my mother, and how ui;'m a adult that has good judgment. but then he went though the whole list of resons why my mother is obssesive in my life... i don't think he really understood the degree of the problom nor the affects they have been having on me. hetold me i need to call my mother once a week and talk to her. i would much rather break all ties for some time till feel that i can handle her. he said that if i don;t stay in contact that he has the address of where i am staying and will folow up on me.... i'm sure they just "care" ... but they don't care enough to find out just how exactly how much all this has been hurting me.
sothen i went into my whole "well maybe i'm makingto big of a deal out of things, maybe my feelings are wrong, maybe maybe maybe..... " i can't stand that ... i go numb... i get confused... i don't want to get out of bed, i don't want to face the world... why can't they just all leave me alone. i'm trying to keep ahold ofmyself, and i've been looking back overthe list of signs of verbal/emotional abuse and logicaly it's there, emotionaly it's there... but i still queston myself... on oone hand i wnt to be able to feel that i can express my emotions and that what i feel is ok. but on the other hand i don't want to feel anymore, because i don't want to risk bing wrong and i don't want tomake probloms for other people. just ignore myself and keep them happy. who cares if i feel like sh*t anyway.. who am i and what makes what i feel matter.
i'm trying not to think, trying not to feel, bec ause i dont want to keep thinking that i could be wrong, when i feel that then i becomse self-destructive... i just don't want to go there.
does the fact that i feel this way justify that i have been abused? maybe i'm just overly sensitivel.ike my mother has alaws said, and maybe i am just stuborn, like she alwasy says also. .. i've got to stay numb, this hurts too much. i can't vent and get angry at them, because it could be my faught. maybe i am stilljust stuck n the past too much... but i logicaly went though thelistof things and pointed out to myself how it's continued in the presant.
what really pisses me off is the fact that she sat there and seen how i am still scared to talk about what she does... she knows she's still got me scilenced. i'm so dead inside... i hate this. i guess it is possible that lot of the current day probloms i havewith my mothers is for the simple fact that she is a trigger, so i guess alot of my emorial probloms with being around her could just be things of the past. andbecause i'm so hurt and so emotional on edge i look to deep into things. i've picked up yet another book on emotional/verbal abuse... i look at the stuff in them books and it makes sence, it seems clear. but then i look at my mother and it all get fuzzy... maybe it's just my dissocoiation probloms... i don't konw.. i can't think no more... i can't feel no more... i can't wait ..50 days and i'm out of here.... i just want to cry, i don't want to feel, and so i hide. don't want to move my body, don't want to breath, don't want to eat, don't want to think.
lay here pretend that i'm dead, mostionless, thoughtless, empty, numb, dead inside.

4-20-2002
the last 2 weeks have been horable for me... started off iwth a m*ther vist in wich she brought my b*ther iwth her... i avoided her but got stuck in panic atacks just knowing she was trying to visit... then she visted the next weekend... i knew she would be comming this time... i was mis mood ofcorse... anger gave way when i realized i couldnt' have control of the day, so i was back to my ragdoll.. my personallity that buy intop anything y mother says and denys myself.. we had a long "talk" in wish she found countless ways to turn everything around and blame it on me again... and the ragdoll just acepted it and said that mother is good and we are bad... so that kicked off self hate... and when we heard about 3 s**c*d*s that hapened in town on the morning news.. .well you can guess what that kicked off... then my kwristeen personality kicked in with a "plan" to keep us from hurting ourselfe... well her plan was to get us pr*gn*t because she knows we regard other life more imporntant than our own, and we woudn't do anything that would hurt a growning b*by... she got online and got 3 diffent guys to come over to my apartment... stangers... online... givin my address.... .. don't know if she acomplished her goal or not... too soon to tell.. i would kinda like a kid, but i know realisticly i'm not emotionaly stable enough for that. .. and don't warry.. i don't need the that was a sin speach, rebeka the church goer leagalistic personality covered that one already for us...
now i'm sittinghere just scared of what is to come... scared of being pr*gn*t .. scared oif not being.. then kwristeen will want to atempt to make it that way again.... scared to think about the furture and passage of time... i don't want to picture myself existing beyond this moment... scared to breath and scared to move.. them would prove that time is passing... and i am here wasting it... i don't know what to do with myself at this point... and that is scary... only think i can identify with at the least bit at the moment is a line in a song ... "hold me jesus because i'm shaking like a leaf" i want to be held by something, but not feeling like i can ask that of jesus... but try to ask anyway...
i do have a good christian lady i talk to online that wants me to move to NY and live there for awhile as i sort thrugh my junk.. i can't leave atleast for 8 weeks... but hoping i can keep myself busy enough with what i would pack and all that stuff till them so i don't do something i can't reverse.. if i haven't already gone that far already...

4-13-2002
VENTING TRIGGER TRIGGER ANGER LANGUARE VIOLANCE
the bitch is going to visit today.... i told her i really didn't want her to... she didn't listen, and i didn't take a stronger stand... I'M FUCKING TIRED OF FEELING RESPONSABLE FOR EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD AND EVERYONE'S FUCKING FEELING. I FUCKING CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES SHIT MORE THAN MY OWN. I FUCKING TAKE THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING WILLINGLY if i stand up to her i will piss her off and i will feel like shit for that because once again my "attitude has ruined a good day again" or i will jsu7t sit there with my mouth closed and take all the fucking shit and be the fucking ragdoll and be pissed at myself for being such a fucking wose and leting this shit continue... IT'S HER FUCKING FAUGHT I'M LIKE THIS, SHE THE FUCKING BITCH WHO RAISED ME LIKE THIS WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I CHANGE SHIT were the hell are my boundrys???? then the church ppl chime in "pray togther with her" "put the lord ahead of you" GGGRRRR CAN'T YOU SEE.. THAT TURNS ME INTO RAGDOLL AGAIN.. THERES NO FUCKING WAY TO WIN. so fucking pissed... find things that need to be thrown away and see how hard i can throw them in the trash. i want to break shit so bad. i can't fucking stay in ontrol of myself, RAGE RAGE RAGE... i'm bad i'm bad i'm bad.SCREEM TO I CRY... shaking... can't control myself... gota have control somewhere... if this day turns shity (and i don't see how it possibly can be anythingbut shity) it is my faught... how the hell can i get aroundthis?
it's either my faught for having an attitude or my faught for not saying something about my feelings. damned if i do and damned if i don't.
4-10-2002
i did some meditaion before i took a nap today.. and also looked back through some stuff in my jornal... i went "deep" within myself before drifting off to sleep... well, the dreams were not all that great, and woke up feeling just horable sick and scared. i'm not sure what all i was dreaming, been try8ing to block out the possibility of remebering, i know it didn't feel good, and now all i want to do is cry and hide. been trying to focuse on other things so i dont have to deal with it. i know i hit on some repressed stuff. and i know as long as i ignore it, it will bubble up till i can't avoid it. and i knowonce i face stuff i feel better, but my imagination is running overtime... and i feel like getting sick. i put the 8 questions that were involved with the meditation for next weeks question, or the week after that... the first Q was what am i most afraid of? as i thought about it i went deeper and deeper in myself... till the final answer came and i jumped back out not wanting to go farther... it was simply said in a childs voice " that mother will find out that we were bad" i started to ask what we did that was bad... had to run.. coudn't stay there... don't want to go backj there... i opened the jar... the bees are flying out... god i don't want to be pulled down in a flashback rght now.. i want to sleep , but know the dreams will tell the story again. ouch ouch ouch ouch ... where is my strong face??? i need it NOW god it is so fake
4-6-2002
ok, heres a novel winning idea.... journal about my day to get it out of my system so i can sleep... sound like a plan? just hope it works... ok... after my last entry my compultions finaly draged my into eating.. and i mean bing eating, junk foods, surgar shaock, the whole 9 yards of it. when that was finaly calmed down i felt better, and went on to bed happily... till 3:30am ... and the phone rings... it's mother again... crying and all worked up saying how whe thougt i was dead because she could't get ahold of me for 2 days now and... AAAAAHHHH i finaly told her she need pyschiatric help. ofcourse her crying is my faught... always has been my faught when she's not feeling good... so now i'm all worked up, can't get back to sleep, trying to convince myself that i can not do anything to fix her. so i'm up the rest of the night. on to work with 3 hours of sleep... back home after droping the car in the shop and awiting the news.. guess who shows up at my door... yeah... my favorite person.. i knew my car wasn't there so i knew she had no way of knowing i was there, so i just ignored the buzzer. ofcourse i know she's going to come back later. i close all the blinds in the place parinoid she's going to find out i'm here and what she will say about me ignoring her. i start up with what i would say to protect my good child image. i leave to get my car and i'm am hypervangant (sp?) . i finaly get back home, and kinda hoping that i can start to relax and maybe get a nap.... buzzz at the door... great.. she's back. i was going to try and sneek out the back way. too late, she found a way past the locked door.. she's knocking... i'm panicked... i can hear her talking to someone saying " i know she is here, her car is here... then she will know i ignored the buzer... damn... i can't make a noise... i'm on the floor, hiding.. crawling to the bathroom to hide. i slowly turn on the shower just incase she finds a way to get in then she will see i am in the shower and coudn't heat the buzer. luckly she can't get in, i had double locked the door, and luckaly this apartment complex dosn't alow duplicate keys like the last one did. she standt there for what seems like eternity. i don't know who she was talking to. i'm scared to know. i'm so tense. my body has been shaking all day. the more i try to pull away from her and set my boundrys the more demanding and pushy she gets, i feel like i'm stalked. i'm so hyper alert. i'm hyper typing, hyper talking, and hyperventalating. when i get home from my nmight job i frea she will be here. i fear she may have been calling, i fear she is in this apartment somewhere. much like a dream i had last week... she has taken the place of the pyco that got into my apartment and hiding somewhere... alot of reperssed fear are now transpered to her. deserving of them or not, i just want her to say away. my body has meen shaking for so long tosay that it's now major mussle spazems. i know whe is home now, realisticly i am safe, except if she calls., so i turn off the phones. but still i panic. how long can one stay in a panic attack? shall i take my mussle relaxers or will that be a bad choice with not eating all day because of the butterflys in my tummy.. hell with butterflys,, these are bees... sigh.... now what?

4-5-2002OK, to catch you up here, the week before last my online counselor friend told me that he thinks I’m BPD with PTSD.. this really pissed me off and I was all wanting to die for a week, then I took a long 4 hour, 5mile walk. thought about stuff and what one thing I want out of life: truth. so I went to the bookstore found a good book and it gave me hope. during that week I started back on my no food cycle.. so here’s my stuff about that... *major trigger warning*I started ED behaviors when I was 11.. just before I reported the sexual abuse... I thought I was pregnant so I wanted to starve the b*by away... luckily I wasn't, but I still feel horribly guilty for that... I swing majority from over eating to not eating, it started off that I would swing about once a year, then down to 6 month in HS ... now I’m swinging about each month and a half... usually I gain or lose 30-50 pounds on each swing. my goal weight is 100 pounds, if I ever get there then I will try to push it to 80... my mother who is the same farm and everything as me always told me how she was 80 pounds till she had her first kid... she is so fat and ugly now. . and I’m fat just like her... I hate her so much and looking in the mirror I see her... my mother always watched them things on TV, them made for TV movies and stuff about girl who starve and stuff... how they got too thin and almost died.. I think that's what scares me into over eating.. I start to feel too thin.. but in al reality I’m still fat... last summer my binge eating peeked me at 170 I’m at 140 now, 15 of that was lost in the last 2 weeks... I’m learning how to use pills and stuff to speed up the weight loss. truly what I’m doing is dangerous, I know the stuff I mix I shouldn't be mixing, but I don't care much anymore.I feel better about myself when I’m not eating, my body feels healthier, I don't have the ups and downs in mood and blood sugar, I do know what to eat and when to eat it to not get sick, I practly live in the heath food store, I know what vitamins and herbs to take to keep my body from getting too much damage. I feel like I can do more things... I excersize more, I have more energy, I think clearer... I like not eating. till something happens that gets me depressed.. then I comfort eat and binge again... and I can't make myself barf,, I’ve tired.. I’ve tried so hard... I’ve only barfed like 3 times my whole life, my body just doesn’t barf. I started yesterday again with the overwhelming compulsion to "do" something, and it's even stranger today... just try8ing to not make that something eating... but I feel whatever is under the surface bubbling up so strong.. kinda feels alittle bit like anger but also like fear... ggggrrrrr I will not take it out on food this time.. I must stay in control... I don't want to cut again either.. I may bruise.. I don’t know.. I must stay strong, I must stay in control.. God.. help... what is this.. bring it out so I can deal with it without don't something I don't want to do... don't let it make me start eating again... not till I’m skinny.. very skinny... I don't care if I look like I’m about to fall apart... then I would be smaller... that's what I always wanted... to be small, tinny, invisible... I try to stay small, and stay quiet... there was a saying on a T-shirt when I was in the 8th grade that said "if your not living on the edge then your taking up too much space" ... I always feel like I’m taking up too much space.. I want to be tinny, I want to get rid of all the extra junk in my apartment, I want to live in a tinny tent in the middle of nowhere, I want to have to walk everywhere so I don't pollute the environment, I don't want to have to poop or pee.. that's pollution too.. and my body needs to be small so that when I die there will be nothing but bones left to decay. I would love to be homeless so that I wasn't taking up an apartment space just for myself.. but I can't sand living with people... I can't get along with them at all... to god I'[m just one tinny speck in the big world of people... to think more of myself would be arrogant... I want to just be a speck, a nothing. I wish I was just an invisible force, the only thing good about me is my mind and my compassion for others.. if I could exist as only a mind and not a body, as a thought to influence and encourage people, but not to be a body... I hate my body... my body allows me to be hurt, if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t feel pain. even emotional pain probably can't exist without a body to hold the emotions. ... god why can't I stop shaking... so much stuff just under the surface.... I shouldn't have ate breakfast today... I want to be empty so bad right now... there’s too much in me... make it stop..please.... *tears* I feel like I’m choking on something.. I’m going to go lie down and pretend like I’m dead... and I would hope someone reads this and cares, yet I also hope that no one knows and I can stay invisible and keep my "problems" invisible. ..OK I’m really fucked up I know.. but I’d rather be whole than good... or so I want to convince myself. and no I don't need someone to get in my face and tell me how unhealthy it is and how wrong I am, don't you think I already know that? I will deal with this when I’m ready and not a moment sooner. so if you are even thinking of leaving me a message about "stop doing this" let me just warn you now I WILL tell you to fuck off. you wanta help, try and care and understand, then when I’m ready to deal with this, maybe I will talk to you about it, if you have earned my trust.
Click here for previous journal entrys by BKI~fight~

past journal

3-24-2002I’ve been writing down things in my journal before going into church, like questions, current problems ..et.. and when I’m back in my car I think over the stuff and find I usually have the answers to my questionshere’s today’s sample: before: I have a basic understanding of what it looks like to be a Christian devoted to god and filled with his mercy, grace love, joy and all the other things god gives to those who love him. I know how to preach a powerful message that can change a life. but that's not enough, and until I am able to be authentic I will not wear the name of Christ. I’ve been hurt my too many so called Christians. simple trite sayings, quick fixes, surface living.. these are what I consider real sin. to be like Christ, heart and mind, this is my desire, and my prayer is to keep pride out.after:the walls are crumbling, the walls of pride and self-protection. opening the path to the heart, to where true life lives, and the path to heaven, to the love of Jesus and the acceptance of mercy and grace, and the learning of living a life of humility.
3-23-2002 *really really bad bad trigger* wanta give up...yeah,, I said it.. I wanta give up... maybe it's because it's night time, or because it's winter, or any other of the thousand countless reason I’ve come up with to explain why I’m this down. so why don't I just do it? too scared. I’ve been suicidal since I was 12, sure I don't think about it EVERY day anymore, but I go through my times. it's been the same reason every time... just as I get close to finally doing it my mind warps ahead and sees my body laying there.. and somehow I still feel what happens to it... each time someone finds me and starts raping me, or my mother shows up and I have to listen to her lectures... for all eternity.,.. no escape... death isn't an escape from my pain. I’m to scarred to live, to scared to die.. so I’m just trying to stay numb again,... I know I’m not healing like this.. I just wanta barf.... so much forced to stay just under the surface and it affects me so bad. I am just tired of fighting, facing the pain, the fear, and feeling like I’m not really getting anywhere... I’m such a hypocrite...
3-17-2002oh my, has it really been this long since I posted something!?!?!? OK, here’s the scoops.. my m*ther kept calling multiple times a day and I could tell she was in another one of her moods.. well it makes me feel like I was being stalked..i started unplugging my hone at night. and the thought crossed my mind that she would end up showing up at my door.. butt hen I said to myself "nah, she’s not that obsessed" ... then sat. morn... "buzzz" .. "who’s there" "me.. your m*ther" *choking.. sinking..dieing.. cussing... HELP* so all day Saturday I was mommys rag doll, going "shopping, out to eat" with out her even caring that I had allot to do at home and really didn't want to go anywhere.. but ofcorse she "drove all the way here to see her daughter" and "would be hurt if you don't spend time with me" .... GGRRRR.. I’m not even going to recount the situations of the day.. just gets too frustrating...add it to my things to be repressed list.... I so want to run from her... but in all reality, even if I get away from her I will find someone else in this world to control me and tell me what to think, feel, do... it's my nature... dependent personality... I probably make ppl into controllers because of my unrealistic need to be controlled by others.... I was wondering today what makes ppl dependent? maybe this can become a comm. question in the furture.anyway.. I’m scared to stay here, but I’m also scared to go anywhere,, I don't want to make ppl controllers.. I go into myself around my mother.. and then it's hard to come completely back out for while.. I’m stuck somewhere inside with just a tinny straw hole connecting me to he world.. my body is so clumsy when I’m like this.. I have quite a few embarrassing stories already today... ... can't I just *poof* completely out of existence?!?!? GGRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR...... wwwwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh ....get a firkin grip... I just want to shut down all my truth and heart seeking and just go back to my little pretend world.but I know history forgotten is history repeated.. so I press on... not a strong press.. don't have much strength when I’m so deep in myself looking for shelter... just take a deep breath and know I will get though this...
3-7-01I've been working on condensing the "necessities" when it comes to material things in hopes that I will be moving this coming summer to NY or to FL or possibly returning to school by fall.I'm still holding on to high hopes for my life. and knowing most of my difficulty’s come from a messed up childhood environment and knowing that retraining is possible, continues the hope.I have long since given up on the desire for a magic wand to fix or undo things, but I still dream of my superman's red cape helping me leap many steps in a single bound.I can see my heart, trapped in the middle of an onion. I have to pull away the layers and that brings on the tears. but I know I will get to the core, and then I can toss out all them stinky layers. then my heart can beat unrestricted.
3-5-01I never used to allow myself to be scared, but now, everytime I think about "it" I’m so scared that my ability to continue functioningis jeopardized and I find myself standing on the edge of the grand canyon and when I look back to where the ground was it has also become part of the canyon. before I allow myself to look down to see if I’m still standing on ground, I try to snap back into reality and find my ability to breathe and move are gone. I am neither "gone" nor "here" I start searching for my list of "rituals" to bring me back to life.
3-1-02everything is going fairly good. I remembered 2 more years of my life today, so I’m feeling more connected. so that's good. getting more answers to my questions. I cry and it hurts, but the feeling of more wholeness after words is worth every bit of it.
2-26-2002Have these words ever rolled around in your mind? Have you seen or heard the horrendous stories of others and thought, "I shouldn't feel as terrible as I do because what happened to me was not that bad"? How about, "I should be thankful I didn't suffer like they did" or "I'm being selfish"?MY REPLYI hate it when I start on that viscous thinking. that' is what keeps me from seeking help when I feel that I need it. and that is close to what my mother replies when I try to bring up some of the stuff to talk about it. "you are irrational, you are crazy, you didn't have it half as bad as allot of kids, you are ungrateful for all that I did for you..... " I think that's why we think that way, is because somewhere along the line we've been told something similar. I try to remind myself of the hard reality and evidence of life, that's hard to do because when growing up in abuse we are taught that our perceptions feelings thoughts et just were not right. but I try to remember that and try to realize the reality is I AM HURTING, and no amount of trying to deny that reality will fix it. sometimes I wonder if there is more abuse then what I remember just because it don't seem for what I remember that I should be hurting this much. could possibly be that I repressed more then I thought, but maybe not. I’m tryi8ng to find a way to make that a non issue, I just feel like if I can come up with more junk to remember, then I can somehow justify my pain. but the truth is my pain is already justified by the simple truth that it is here. but that is so hard to accept. I can be crying my eyes out, hurting myself and doing all sorts of stupid junk, and still be trying to deny my own reality. and I find myself asking how long am I really going to keep abusing myself? haven’t I been though enough already. and I get mad at myself for not caring for myself so I hurt myself more because I’m mad. the cycles and the patterns don't stop until I stop replaying the stupid mind games that were started by the abusers. and I face the reality that I am hurting and I need help. (but I’m not admitting that yet) and why don't I just do that? fear that having pain makes me crazy somehow? yeah! fear that getting help makes me weak? yeah! fear of what others will say, be it family, community, empolyers..e.ct..? yeah! kinda like this weird secret... if they find it out they will know that I am crazy... so I sit here.. in pain.. in fear... trying to fight myself each day do I want to be the real me today or my image me. to I want to be in the real world today, or my pretend world. lots of combinations that I can choice. and sometimes I manage to get the real me in the real world at the same time. but not for long.I’ve come this far... but where to next?I just want to break down and cry in the arms of some loving caring person that understands. like my dad did that one time. just hold me and let me "cry it out". I wish I was still that small. and even if there was someone willing to hold the big body to comfort the inner child the fact still is I have no one "here". and even if I did have someone turntable enough, would they respond how I wished at the moment, would I really be able to just let go in the presence of someone? now I just want to hide somewhere, become small, and disappear.hurting and holding back,BKI~fight~

Jan. 31, 2002
just posting to let ya'all know i havn't forgot about this page, just havn't had alot that i want to say on here. just continuing to deal with the new memories and all the emotions and stuff. the overwelming emotions is feeling vurnerable and fearfull.. and i reality i have no reson to, but don't know what else to say about that.. i think i will go back to bed now..

Jan 19, 2002
I expressed an emotion verbally to my mother today, a rather simple one, but it was a big step. a little gratitude for alittle help. she responded with criticism for all the times I failed to be able to express myself in them past. I guess we all still have a ways to go. now I face the choice, to bury this pain and add it to all the others that made me this way, or deal with it and continue to heal.
this is the choice I need to make: express myself, do not fear my feelings, do not bury, run; or let anyone take away, diminish or disregard them. do not let them control my life. let them exist without restraint, let myself remain in control to my resulting reactions, remain calm and controlled, make plans for making these situations better, and move on.

Jan. 14, 2002
as I remember more things from my past I came up with some questions, I was thinking "why did I sit in a child shrink's office for over a year and never say a word? why do I freeze up whenever I am asked questions that require personal opinion? why do new situations bother me? why do I have social anxiety, depression, and only feel like the "real me" when Im typing and writing?" then it came to me, like a bolt of lightning! my whole childhood my mother would deny my feeling, opinions and thoughts. when I was 3 and said "I wanta be a bus driver" she said "no you don't, only undereducated ppl end up with jobs like that". whenever I would cry or be hurt she would say "you not hurt, nothing is wrong" several times when she asked me "where were you, why are you late?" I would tell her what happened and she would say "what a lie. or that didn't happen". when I told my mom that my eyes were bad, and I thought I needed glasses she finally reluctantly took me to the eye doc's and said over a thousand times as we were driving there "are you sure your eyes are bad? if youre lying to me youre going to get it bad. you better not be lying" on and on, she said it so much that I started to question if my eyes really were bad, I was about to tell her "I am lying Im sorry. lets go home" just because I was scared that maybe I was wrong, and what would happen if I was. I ignored the fact that my eyes hurt, that I could barley see anything right infront of my eyes, that I had constant headaches. I was so relieved to hear the doc. Say that my eyes were horrible and that I should have had glasses 2 years ago. then one mean teacher said in front of the class to me "I don't know why you act/think your cool, you not!" it wasn't that I thought I was cool or that I was arrogant, in fact to that moment in life I didnt really care much about what ppl thought, I was just happy being a kid. this is where my social anxiety began. I stopped telling ppl what I thought/felt and wanted, I denied my own emotions. I only did and said things that I thought others wanted me to, or stuff that I had heard someone "smart" say. I knew that whatever I said just wouldn't be right. I started to hate my dad, because that's what my mom did, and she said all men are jerks, so I decided to claim the same thing. the only time I touched my real feelings were in my poems and diary, and even still allot of that was still the "act". by the time I got to college and out on my own, I had no clue who I really was. I played many roles, I was the fundamentalist Christian for a while, that was an easy one to play, I just had to repeat the stuff I read in the bible and heard in sermons. I became a pro at looking good, but none of it ever really touched "me" the self that I was forced to hid. I became convinced that since I hid so long that I no longer really existed, I had no personality. this increased the social anxiety and the depression. while only maintaining little shreds of myself in my journal writings. I see how this pattern affects who I have dated. I would only date guys that appeared to be smart/ college educated, so then I would just do as they said, I didn't have to think or use my own feelings. the first step out of this is when I applied to be a bus driver just a few months ago. I think it is my favorite job ever, just because my inner child is happy. I know this is not what I want to do my whole life, and my child knows this and is ready to move with me. slowly Im becoming who I am. I am glad to have realized this, but now what? how do I undo all this programming in my head? how do I get rid of that self-questioning voice that sounds just like my mom in my head?

jan. 10, 2002
hi all. i have alot to say, but don't know how to say it, or if i really want to go into all of it right now. i'm relizing how horable it is for me to not stick to a rutein in life, my body and mind are so out of place right now. it's one of those times in life, that if you let yourself think about it too much, you can surely convince yourself and everyone around you that you've lost it. there will be days like this... my momma didn't say it, but a cool song did. over my 2 weeks of vacation one of my "projects" has been to work on my life story and fill in some gaps. i got alittle more that i really had barganed for. it kinda feels like i'm chewing stale gum, y'know how you just have to have some gum, but all you could find was them peices between the car seats... and they taste alittle funny and just don't chew right... (descriptive enough for you imagination?) this is not a set back, it's a reality check, the reality that not all days with be worth there weight in gold, and that I, yes this is a hard truth, I am too human!

Jan. 2, 2002
don't really have anything to say today, just thought I would write something so you would all know that I am still alive. been chatting allot lately while on vacation, but havent been working on my site like I thought I would. Ive been making a list of the issues that I need to work on, like my tendency to be verbally abusive, my inability to properly express my emotions, and the anger over family situations. over vacation Ive been down for like 20 hours then hyper for 20. trying not to let it bother me too much cuz I know if I was working I probably wouldn't even have noticed it. I know there will be days in life that I will feel like Im going no where, that Ive come across a wall that I just can't scale, like I want toss the book at the wall. I just set down the book, find another wall and keep working, find a smaller thing I can do so that I will have the strength from that victory. someday I wake up and can't find the hope or the strength to carry on, but then I remember it was just yesterday that I stood in front of the mirror and say "I can do it, Im going to make it, Im going to be OK" and know that tomorrow I will feel that way again. I don't beat myself up for the bad days, I just try to relax and get threw them and think about tomorrow.

DEC. 24, 2001
Emotion: regret Current action: crying
I hoped into one of my favorite chats on msn, within seconds someone else come on and said something like "abuse really isn't that bad is it? I mean you get stronger and stuff from it" I guess I took her words wrong, I felt anger rise in me so fast and responded inappropriately. all these years my life has been screwed so bad because of the abuse I went threw, the nightmares, the low self-esteem and lack of any self-respect, the depression, the codependency, the inability to express myself and my emotions properly, the many ppl I have hurt, and many good relationships I have lost, and the many bad relationships I was willing to stick in because I couldn't stand up for myself, the disacoiating that as affected my jobs and many areas of my life. Normaly Im more controlled than this, but I just got back last night from our family Christmas gathering where I held in all my thoughts, emotions and lived in the happy smiling fake world. there are so many things I would love to be doing in life right now, and all of them not happening because of all the emotional issues I have that came from the abuse. I would love to have a kid, but I would probably end up beating it. I would love to have made it threw college, but that was destroyed the first year when I couldn't do it emotionally. It's like Im continuing to be a victim... I hate this, when will it end? when can I be what I want to be? when will this monster let go of me and let me be free?

dec. 21, 2001 Friday.
I just remembered WHY I hate Christmas. I LOVE buying gifts and giving, I HATE receiving. I LOVE getting things, but it's the whole thing of I have to have an emotional response. I just don't know how to respond. the year of self training of denial of emotions is hard to break. seeming emotionless what a survival tactic to the abuse of my childhood. the closer I get to this weekend and the family gatherings the more intense my migraines become, knowing that once again I will receive gifts, and have to try to muster up the strength to respond with a smile and a truly authentic "thank-you". Ive tried just saying it, but it looks so fake because I still can not get myself to experience the emotions. I am grateful, but I just can't be grateful. I can occasionally let go in private, but still lack the ability to do so in public. today I received flowers from the teachers at school as a "thank-you" for helping in class with the kids. I LOVE flowers, and I have always dreamed of receiving them, but yet I couldn't give a heart felt thank-you. I came home and cried because of my inability to express myself. just over a year ago this same issue caused the guy I loved to give up on me. I keep trying to convince him Im over that issue, but I know Im not. there are a few ppl that I am learning to be open with, but they are only the new ppl I meet and trust, and then it usually backfires on me later as I find out they don't like me because of my unstable emotions and multiple issues in life. I hate this, I hate it so much that I want to say that I hate myself, but that is one emotions that I gladly don't want to experience. why the hell can't I just be NORMAL? (ohops, let a little anger slip in there.. )

dec. 17 Monday. I read 2 books in the last 34 hours!! good books. Im like kinda manic/hyper, but I was able to concentrate enough to read, actually speed read. but that's cool since I used too never be able to read. Im adding a book mark to the authors of the book web page. this dude wrote his story of growing up in abuse and surviving and stuff. I found it quite encouraging.

Sunday, December 16
sorry I didn't keep up on this. lately Ive been trying to recall my past and get everything straight so I can deal with it and then put it in the past where it belongs. I had tried just ignoring stuff, but I learn that wouldn't work, from unexplained migraines, rage and mood swing, I knew the past wouldn't let me forget it. sometimes I find myself staring at a blank wall wondering what I am to do next. I have never really had professional help with my issues. Ive had meds thrown at me, but that's just professional avoidance, not help. I am planing to see my doc within this year that's almost gone, and have a physical and find out where I should start. I am getting to a great start with all my self help books. but I know I need more than that. in my most recent attempt to recall past hurts and abuses I was finally able to express some emotions along with the events. however some events I still can not connect to them emotions. I know they are there and I kn9ow they will hurt coming out, but I know they are doing way too much damage by staying in. I know this doesnt make any sense to some of you, and you may even know some ppl you live around or work with that were victims of childhood abuse. my only word of advice is encouraging them to do the healing and to be theyre for them when they need someone to cry on. I really want to have kids of my own someday, but I know without dealing with this stuff first, my rage will someday rise against them. the ppl who know me would be shocked to know how much rage I have inside me. I hide it well, yet I am always in fear that I will lose control someday. today I looked ahead in my life book. gained hope from my soon financial freedoms, and gained fear from the long healing road still ahead. it leaves a barf like taste in my mouth and causes me to get really sleepy. Ive always used sleep as an escape from many things. growing up I witnessed my mom using sleep to magically fix all the problems from the day before, once the new day came, yesterdays topics were gone. it went beyond the health way of starting each day with fresh excitement, it was starting each new day with everything from yesterday buried in the deep, forbidden to be recalled. I even got out of being grounded quite easily this way. I was never officially ungrounded, my mom just had forgot that she had grounded me. .. getting sleepy...

dec. 11th. tue.
check this out!!! Ive done allot on my pages today. and I added likes to all my pics and filled in the links page. I love accomplishing goals. now I just have to get back to my housework goals. Im letting my priorities slip again. I try to reward myself with something I like or want to do (like building my web site, chatting, eating out.. et.) after Ive done something I need to do, like the housework... it's a good setup, just sometimes I ignore my rules I have set for myself. I set the rules because I know if I don't get the housework done and other such thinks, I will get depressed when I look at them, and that little voice will start in on me "your lazy, your no good, you can't even keep you place clean, " ect... I love it when I come back with "oh yea? watch this!!!" and get it all done. but then theres them time I respond "yea, I am trash, I come from trash and I will only create trash. I can never do anything right... et..." so to try and save me from this ordeal I try to schedule my time and force myself to do what needs to be done even when I don't want to. you might be thinking "she must have grew up in a strict home" but acutely I had NO structure, no responsibilities and almost no rules growing up. it was fun and laid back, but I never learned how to handle things. so with my entering "the real world" theres one more lesson to add to the truckload. and ppl actually wondered WHY I was having a major breakdown at age 19... I praise God for giving me the will to FIGHT!

Monday, December 10, 2001
well, here I am, working on filling in the web page. I just added a poem I wrote on my gibberish journal. my current events right now are all centered around healing from my past and destroying the bad patterns in my life. it's kinda a spiritual journey in which I hope to find myself in the end at the place were all my hopes dreams and goal meet. Im fighting for my life, for my self-worth, for my fight to become anything I want. who am I fighting? more like what! Anxieties, depression, moodiness, PMS, all those evil voices, negative thought patterns, and negative ppl in my life. it's not an easy fight, but it's one I must fight. it's life or death. I choice life.
today I drank some apple juice, that's on my list of things to avoid. not only is my tummy feeling horrible, Im also feeling irritated and easily raged. for information on blood type diet, see my links.

System of the aleins in the ship from planet becki





nobody
nobody is really sombody becase everyone is really somebody. but nobody is nobody special and nobody impiticular but still somebody in the long run.
BKI
presenter/ mask/android
Presenter, sort of a medium,
sometimes aware of what is happening inside and can co-exist with the other ego states but lacks the detail, emotion and point of view perspective. sometimes has no clue what is going on inside, focuse is on outside stuff and hapenings and avoids dealing with "self". Tries to maintain an "outward image" or normalcy for work and other situations.


Hero fighter/ ISH (internal self helper)
Has a focus on healing, self-discovery, self-help readings. Has an almost motherly like nature toward the other ego states attempting to comfort, encourage and guide.


drill srg.

in charge of cleaning duties, bills and finances, exercise and other things that need a "just get up and do it now" attitude. jumps in and does the repair work after things have fallen to pieces around the house and things just seem too far gone to ever get back. hard and cold to the emotions of the other ego states and often a very critical voice that sometimes resembles that of my mother and grandmother, but gets things back on track. handles allot of the things that are "just to stressful" for the other parts

others:
tom :
paterened after my brother. dresses up like a sexy woman and tries to get men's attention. believes that we only deserve to serve the pleasure of men. also holds brothers idealism and racism beliefs and belives that people that are not useful do not deserve to live.

Rebecca
angry
13, angry came out just as the sexual abuse was reported so the memories of the abuse were not really there. dealt withall the aftermath, the teasing at school, her mothers attitudes and disbelief, also the one that is usaly suicidal. and will often act out with saying stuff like "you don't care, so I don't either" and "I don't need anybody, fucking leave me alone"
Rebeka

perfectionist
16 yrs old, big in the church, but very legalistic, very proud of all the "good deeds" she has done. the bible study she led, the soup kitchens she has volunteered at, the mission trips... etc etc .. has a really "goodie goodie" image and will proudly display the WWJD and other church paraphernalia
Kwristeen

"bad"
likes the "dark" image, likes the gothic clubs and anything dark. the rebel, polar opposite of Rebeka. 19 yrs old, came out alot in college when some people were calling us demon possesed. is likly to be one involved in any "acting out", cuting, sex, and other "bad" self-harming behaviors. was the result of Rebeka's imperfect perfection. also is in charge of pushing hurtful people away, mainly hurtful church people. memories from the past include watching horror movies with dad when 6yrs old. usually gets triggered when scared of something, expessialy sexual tention situations, take on an "ok with that" attitude to hide other fears.

Chamel
fearful.
.

8-11, the hurt child that was looking for a way out of the abuse but wasn't brave enough to report it. holds alot of fear and deep emotions. usaly wants to be huged and held, very insecure. usaly hiding. is non-verbal, will use signlanguage or write short answers to questions.. quickly walks away from any scarry or dangerous places started isolating in the 4th grade, withdrawing from her friends, feeling not good enough to be a part of the group.


little Chamel
playful
wants to be loved, someone special, tries hard to be cute and loved.


4-8, wanted her father to lover her, wanted anyone to lover her. wanted to know that she was ok, needs lots of aproval. usaly wants to be huged and held, very insecure. sometime found sitting with hand to face as if wanting to suck on thumb or blankie, but knowing she would be in trouble if she did. has a hard time talking about her feeling. quickly walks away from any scarry or dangerous places.


Rebecca Becki Suzanne
inocent. playful

wants to be loves and special. tries to be cute and adorable
tenderhearted
4, the little one. became a seperate being just as the sexual abuse started. at her 5th b-day party she said " i don't want to turn 5, i want to stay 4 forever, and so was the moment she stuck in. she loves kids songs and will often "tattle" on some of the others inside.
others:
bad girl:

always feels as if she has done something wrong again and deserves to be punished for something. somes out whenever feels like in trouble. stays around untill some sign that we still ok, or not in trouble any more, still loved. sometimes plays games with loved ones to see if still loved. other times abandons all hope of love and isolates self to avoid contaminating the good worldwith her bad self. usaly trigered by being called a name.. anything like selfish, rude, anoying..ect... any sort of persived crisem or judgment punishment or dislike
crazy girl:
belives that we are crazy like ppl said we are and often has large stories about seeing things
hiden girl:
hides in places so dark that you can't see a hand right in frount of you. does so, so that we can't tell that we really exist. or hide so that we can't be found. usaly out when really really scared.