july 24. comment on prevous entry... don't ya hate it when ya havn't had enough sleep and stressed out and not rational??? and don't ya hate it even more when you go and try and talk to someone and they don't understand the situations and think your crazy and give you a psyc eveal?. yeah.. ok.. anyway.. that was then, debbie is getttingbetter now. so ... past be past. i've got an icky chest cold and pms at the same time and i'm just tried of dealing with everything. the kids are way too much for me to handle. jesse has this thing that as soon as his parents are not around he love to threaten me. now true that a 7yr old probaly could never hurt me, although he did leave a bruse on me the other day... but... it's the princaple, i'm just sick and tired of being thretened like that. now i'm stiuck here withthe kids,, there father is passed oput on the couch and ofcorse they don't l9sten to a word i say. go figure. I CAN"T HANDLE THIS SHIT. once i get workingi will nothave time to even know what's hapening here and i will be soooo happy. i'll work 3 jobs even if i don't nbeed to finacialy just to stay away from here.
june.. 30th or something like that..... i'm going to break my own trigger rules here... so .. TRIGGER WARNING suicidal contant.
if debbie dosn't make it... i will kill myself... she's the only person in the world right now... i can not live withoout her... i could kill myself now for not knowiubg what was hapening and geting help for her sooner and also for not moving here sooner so that i would have more time with her. but.. if she lives i don't want to do have to see her live knowing that i killed myself... so... there it is... my feeling...
6-13-2002
today was the last day of school, the thought of it comming to an end was hard, saying bye to the kids i just stayed numb, but when i went to turn in the keys... i wanted to cry soooo bad., but.. i didn't. too wimpy to cry. i didn't want to say at the end of the year lunch, didn't want to really face it was the end. i loved that job so much, and them kids... i want to steel some of them and take them with me. i got home and crashed into bed, couldn't keep myself goinging to find more hours of work at my other job. i can't really figure out what was all going on. but my head was going werid, not sure if this is somehow a flashback or just something so hard to deal with that i just wanted to disacosiate from it. what ever the case. i was sure out of it for a few hours there. i'm not sure if i managed to deal with it, or just burry it deep enough. probaly just burried. it's so hard to learn to deal with feelings, it just comes more natural to push them down.
6-6-2002
ok since i havn't wrote in here in a whole month now.. guess i should. not really much to say, just alot of little things as i work on packing my stuff. little by little i come closer to acomplising this imposible task. that stuff from a month ago is still bothering me... that guy that i had to get help me get home and help fix my car was an ex b/f's best friend and was jelous that i went out with my ex b/f instead of him and gave me this big long thing abou how he feels that i owe him sex and stuff.. i was scared he was going to try and rape me or something, iknow he has done that sort of stuff wth other ppl before.. so i was scared and that triggered stuff about my sexual abuse that i've just been barly touching the surface of latly. but other than that, everything else seems to be going ok. yeah. sure.. i don't really believe that.. but, i dont' know... just a few days left... i'm not sure i want this but.. ya know... part of me wants to part of me dosn't and the rest is indiffernt. so it's all just so ... wild... trying not to think about how everything feels because theres just too much conflict there to deal with. sometimes i wonderif being co-countious with the littles is such a great thing... but yet i'm used to it... it's been this way for many years, but theres more of them and their feelings are more clear and it's harder... life is easer with no feelings, theres alot less internal conflicts. why the hell do they say it's more healthy to have feelings??? i don't get it.... i just know what they say, and some of us understand it i guess, if non of us did i don't think we would be healing like this... maybe.... someday the answers will come... but for now... i want to hide. go to my dark place... dark girl loves to sit in the dark, where there is not enough light to see your hand rignt in frount of you. if you can't see it, it's eaiser to say that it dosn't exist, and when it is that dark then no one can find you, they could be touching you and not even know it, so you can be safe... so we wait for the dark, and go to the darkest room. we find peace there. peace from the safe feelings of the blinding darkness. it is here that we can talk about our real feelings. it started with hiding in the closet... that was a safe place, we were never found there. i want the darkness ... the freedom from self, the safty of being hiden. this is our feeling ~sincerly, hiden dark girl.
5-6-2002
my car left me stranded sat night in the bad part of town after the busses stoped running... i had to get alold of my mother and depend on her once again. i can't wait till i get to NY... my friends there are all dependable. ... but this ment i had to spend yet another day with my mother this weekend.... a day that i wasn't even prepared for. other than a book i picked up0 on friday about verbaly abuseive relationships... i'm so glad o got that book... theres a whole chapter of afermations, reading that just really really helped. and for that whole day with my moter, 85% of the time i stayed myself and didn't switch out to my little ragdoll kid. i actuly confronted her and stoped her when she started another controling statment. i set my boundrys, i expalined that i would not tolorate having my feeling tossed aside and dismised. it was so cool. we went to church togther sun. morning after geting the car toed. she hadn't been to my church before. the preaching minister preached about ...BOUNDRIES!!! that was so cool, i had god behind me suporting me. finaly as i got my mother home, i droped her off at grama's house so she could barow there extra car and i could take her car, and just in passing my grampa said to me in frount of my mother " don't let your probloms get you down too much, you know most of them are because of your mother" .. that was SO cool... i've never had anyone in my family valadate that my mother was doing anything wrong before. i think valadation is the key, the more i get valadated, the stronger i feel. and the whole thing of sercing for memories was to help me remeber so that i felt valadated in my emotions ... so it's cool... i feel alittle bit more secure and alittle bit more whole.
lets just see how long this can last......
even tho the fear was almost non-esistant and i felt like i was the one in control of my life for the first time, it still toaltaly drained me out. mentaly i'm like running around so happy and stuff, but physicaly my body is about to give out.. so it's nap time

5-4-2002
the on going saga.....
ok.. so i told my mother i'm moving out of state.... she ofcourse didn'thadleit to well, i should waitedlonger to tellher, but ihave a big mouth. so she's all upset and crying and telling me how she needs me and all that stuff, and ofcorse i'm to soft heared to turn my back on that...
i decided to talk toher pastor about it. andhe set up a meeting with her me and him. there was some good stuff and some bad stuff. he agrees that i needto get out from under my mother, and how ui;'m a adult that has good judgment. but then he went though the whole list of resons why my mother is obssesive in my life... i don't think he really understood the degree of the problom nor the affects they have been having on me. hetold me i need to call my mother once a week and talk to her. i would much rather break all ties for some time till feel that i can handle her. he said that if i don;t stay in contact that he has the address of where i am staying and will folow up on me.... i'm sure they just "care" ... but they don't care enough to find out just how exactly how much all this has been hurting me.
sothen i went into my whole "well maybe i'm makingto big of a deal out of things, maybe my feelings are wrong, maybe maybe maybe..... " i can't stand that ... i go numb... i get confused... i don't want to get out of bed, i don't want to face the world... why can't they just all leave me alone. i'm trying to keep ahold ofmyself, and i've been looking back overthe list of signs of verbal/emotional abuse and logicaly it's there, emotionaly it's there... but i still queston myself... on oone hand i wnt to be able to feel that i can express my emotions and that what i feel is ok. but on the other hand i don't want to feel anymore, because i don't want to risk bing wrong and i don't want tomake probloms for other people. just ignore myself and keep them happy. who cares if i feel like sh*t anyway.. who am i and what makes what i feel matter.
i'm trying not to think, trying not to feel, bec ause i dont want to keep thinking that i could be wrong, when i feel that then i becomse self-destructive... i just don't want to go there.
does the fact that i feel this way justify that i have been abused? maybe i'm just overly sensitivel.ike my mother has alaws said, and maybe i am just stuborn, like she alwasy says also. .. i've got to stay numb, this hurts too much. i can't vent and get angry at them, because it could be my faught. maybe i am stilljust stuck n the past too much... but i logicaly went though thelistof things and pointed out to myself how it's continued in the presant.
what really pisses me off is the fact that she sat there and seen how i am still scared to talk about what she does... she knows she's still got me scilenced. i'm so dead inside... i hate this. i guess it is possible that lot of the current day probloms i havewith my mothers is for the simple fact that she is a trigger, so i guess alot of my emorial probloms with being around her could just be things of the past. andbecause i'm so hurt and so emotional on edge i look to deep into things. i've picked up yet another book on emotional/verbal abuse... i look at the stuff in them books and it makes sence, it seems clear. but then i look at my mother and it all get fuzzy... maybe it's just my dissocoiation probloms... i don't konw.. i can't think no more... i can't feel no more... i can't wait ..50 days and i'm out of here.... i just want to cry, i don't want to feel, and so i hide. don't want to move my body, don't want to breath, don't want to eat, don't want to think.
lay here pretend that i'm dead, mostionless, thoughtless, empty, numb, dead inside.