vocal entries

i now use VMAIL from my phone to post vocal entries

so....

sigh.... just one of those moments. nothing is perfect, chos abounds, demands are high and i'm so low. yippi ya it's a nother human day in the life of the living.

tired.

i'm tired. sometimes i long for a "home" other times i wish i could just stay in one place longer without anyone hasseling me. i know i get tired of finding ways to charge my cell phone and computer and finding ways to cook meals. granola bars just seem to lack something after a while.

another day, another hour - homeless life -

ok, here i am, squating at the county fair grounds. i dont know what to do anymore, i'm so exusted. i'm out of money, food, gas and it's only the beginning of the month. i dont know how this happens, and everyone says i have enough money to live on. i dont get it.
ive got a lot of messes to sort out. just thinking about them makes me want to go back to sleep. "camping" was kinda cool at first. but i'm worn out and want to go home now.. but there is no home. i've meet others that are also living intheir cars, i'm not sure how they keep up their energy. atleast right now i'v spread out my stuff in a campsite so it's a little bit eiser. i want to learn about backpacking, the consept of carring nothing more with you than you can carry on your back. do away with this exess stuff. bear nessesitys. a simplier life. less stress. less hassle. mpore fun time. mopre time to think about what i really want out of life other than how to survive this next moment. i see how homeless people get traped. ya get too busy trying to survive the day and have no time to make an exscape plan back to "normal" life.

it's tough to do what is right and not let your emotions take control

yes, i know. i know what i need to do. my emotions are a wild bull bucking at every attempt to do what needs to be done. i know it's not the end, at least i hope not. but i guess you can never really know when your walking by faith and everything is black around you. cold darkness. fears from the past make reactions to current life so outa wack. fighting away all that i know to be illogical, hoping i'm not missing something that will trip me up. yes i do want to know God's will. i'm usably afraid to even want to know because i'm afraid i would only disappoint him. but right now i do want to know if i'm going the right direction or if i'm just making a big mistake. i'm torn between what i want to do, what is logical and what i think God is calling me to do. i don't think i'm ready for the step i'm about to take. 25:36... time until i start this new journey. i pretend to be brave, but i am scared. i want to cry out and scream for them not to let me go because i'm afraid i will be letting go forever, and i don't want to lose what has been, or possibly had been, that's another hard thing to know. if i trust them and believe that they are telling me the truth than all will go fine. but that's the problem... my trust. And maybe this is just right, that i take this big step and still trust. i'm just so afraid of having my heart broken again. how many pieces can a heart be in and still function? i know i'm strong, i've made it though so much. that was physical. this is emotional. and ya i've made it though a lot, but letting go of built up walls of false beliefs that i have used to protect myself for so long, and trust my heart to God. trust that my father, my king, my savior is not leading me to a place of self-destruction, but it leading me out of it to a place of His love. all the straws that i grasp for to keep my l ife afloat, i need to let go of. trying to heal my own wounds and not seek the help of the great healer... has got to change. 25: 27 the clock ticks away. how am i going to sleep tonight? God looks after the sparrow... he clothes the grass of the fields, how much more will he care for me, his child. how great a love, how can it be, let his grace about to me. let his love heal all my wounds and make me whole. from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, all i need is Him. He will take care of me and make sure everything turns out ok. my heart is so broken that people say they love me, people say good things about me, but i can never let it in. and it hurts. to hold on to all this pain. to think everyone who cares is going to be the next one to hurt me. this life has got to change. i go back and forth from terror and and fear to God given peace. i'm scared to be in this world alone, but i am not alone, God is with me. i have my friends, but i know i will be separated from them at times. the comforts of life will be taken away from me. i will find new ways to survive that do not depend on those straws, but on God. like eligha wondering the desert preparing the way of the Lord. living off the land, the locus and honey... ok maybe honey... but there is no way i'm eating bugs! the mission trip in my own state.

worlds lousest person award

so i feel like shit plus anything worse than shit. so i just need to vent, but i can't, because who knows who will find out what i am thinking and feeling even if it is momentarialy irrational and then i have to deal with all the fall out of that.
so i'll try to stick to the facts... like i don't have my meds. my body is feeling compleatly strange including my head wich is all an odd combination of numb/tingly dizzy nausous chest pounding. i'm scared. i never expected myself to be in this condition. and i feel like i've given an unfair burden to those around me.

its hard

its hard to make choices to improve my life when i don't even feel like being alive.

tell me whats going on, tell me what's going on

so everything is very wild right now. i'm finaly moved out of dan's, and now i'm living on a friends couch... wich has isues of its own... i just don't understand why i'm not "ok" why i keep feelling like a bad person that needs to be hurt and punished. i know part of it is that it is hard to feel that i deserve to be treated eny better than i was in the past, and there are many trigger happening. i'm concetering a intense treatment place. i have so many mixed feelings and i don't know if it's the devil... i hate getting in the habit of blaming him, but i don't know how to make sence of it all. it seems like every 3-5 years i'm back on the bottom of everything. maybe i need to follow the leading to the treatment place and really hand my life over to GOd and stop trying to fix myself and grasp for straws that keep me going for short periods of time.

I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN

another interesting week. i've been emotionaly on the edge, quick to try to excape. i've been wanting to deal with stuff, but this is some heavy stuff. it didn't help that this is pms week in wich i found out that skiping my meds and drinking all day just makes my hormone imbalance more out of balance and leaves me in a compleatly psycotic state. i can't remeber everything that hapened i just know it was intense and i was ready to finish myself off. Again the Grace of God steped in, i'm not sure how i got though it and still alive today to tell about it, but i have set into motion some stuff that will hopefully help me. i'm planning on using this time off from school to get some help. i have a good suport network that will hopefully be the key to getting over this big hump in my life.

ok, this has been an intresting week.,... i've been faceing some of my issues, i'm taking a semester off from school, atleast, well they kicked me out and i'm apealing to be readmited... NYE was a blast. some of my behavior sourounding the event was not so good, but i survived by the Grace of God.
i'm learning how to work on my self-esteem. i was basing my self-esteem on what others did to me and things that hapened in my life, and i am seeing that needs to change. if i keep treating myself in the same abusive ways that others have treated me then i will never stop being abused.
i'm not exactly sure how to go about this change... it helps that i have some good people in my life right now.
i had a flashback last night to a time in 7th grade when i went to my friends house for an hour or so before we had to be back to school for the basketball game we were cheerleading in. i witnessed her mother slap her acrost the face and say some horrible things to her. the next day at school i had told someone about what i had seen and it got back to the girls mother that i had said that she was abusive. her mother cornered me in the girls bathroom at school and yelled at me so bad, saying a lot of horrible things to me. i was also told that i was never alowed near their house or family ever again. the rejection accociated with the degrading comments cut me deeply and changed how i felt about myself. there were lots of other reasons i felt icky about myself but that incident set out a patteren of when i feel rejected also feeling like a horrible person that does not deserve to live among the much better other humans. thats when i first started to majorly isolate and withdraw from others. over the years it hasn't taken much of a percived disaproval of me to send me into that isolation and eventuly into self-harm. i'm not blaming it all on that one lady, my home enviroment and the teasing at school all contributed to it too, if it had been just an isolated event with no other messages of me being a bad person it probaly wouldn't have effected me much.
i first started working on memories in 2001... it's 2009 and i am still getting new flashbacks of things that i had forgoten that has totaly reshaped who i am.