ok, this has been an intresting week.,... i've been faceing some of my issues, i'm taking a semester off from school, atleast, well they kicked me out and i'm apealing to be readmited... NYE was a blast. some of my behavior sourounding the event was not so good, but i survived by the Grace of God.
i'm learning how to work on my self-esteem. i was basing my self-esteem on what others did to me and things that hapened in my life, and i am seeing that needs to change. if i keep treating myself in the same abusive ways that others have treated me then i will never stop being abused.
i'm not exactly sure how to go about this change... it helps that i have some good people in my life right now.
i had a flashback last night to a time in 7th grade when i went to my friends house for an hour or so before we had to be back to school for the basketball game we were cheerleading in. i witnessed her mother slap her acrost the face and say some horrible things to her. the next day at school i had told someone about what i had seen and it got back to the girls mother that i had said that she was abusive. her mother cornered me in the girls bathroom at school and yelled at me so bad, saying a lot of horrible things to me. i was also told that i was never alowed near their house or family ever again. the rejection accociated with the degrading comments cut me deeply and changed how i felt about myself. there were lots of other reasons i felt icky about myself but that incident set out a patteren of when i feel rejected also feeling like a horrible person that does not deserve to live among the much better other humans. thats when i first started to majorly isolate and withdraw from others. over the years it hasn't taken much of a percived disaproval of me to send me into that isolation and eventuly into self-harm. i'm not blaming it all on that one lady, my home enviroment and the teasing at school all contributed to it too, if it had been just an isolated event with no other messages of me being a bad person it probaly wouldn't have effected me much.
i first started working on memories in 2001... it's 2009 and i am still getting new flashbacks of things that i had forgoten that has totaly reshaped who i am.