whats wrong now

for some reason i have a hard time conecting my emotiuonal issues iwth the reasons that is causieng the issues. it's like i don't expect to have an emotional reaction to the things in life... or manybe not expect to have as strong of an emotional reaction as i do. it's like a part of me expects to go though life with an all scientific antalitical perspective and another part of me has only an emotional reaction ... and the two sides don't comunicate. ... google here i come....
ok, two of a million some leads aply to what i feel i am experiancing...
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=8&ved=0CDoQFjAH&url=http%3A%2F%2Fptsd.about.com%2Fod%2Fselfhelp%2Fa%2Femotionbeliefs.htm&ei=mrxlTLCcFML38Aa_2ZnZCA&usg=AFQjCNGj7LHjk_GjggvrDW-X28QefzCtCA&sig2=k_kzpjZ6DQzpk041XEUZ8g
and
http://www.ldpride.net/emotions.htm

misbelifes about my emotions and shame and fear about what people might think about me if they knew more about me, this fits in so many ways to this week... i was having some difucultys with my meds and i was so scared that if i didn't straghten it out that people would think that i am not compedent enough to handle my own life.



ok this line "people with PTSD might try to block the expression of positive emotions because they worry that it will make them vulnerable "

i feel like with my friends i either have to be fake and put on a got it all toghter act or i'm vulnerable... and with friends i'm willing to be vulnerable... but... i'm worried that i make myself too vulnerable.... idk... some things are still bugging me... that delicate balance between myself and another person... i guess i just feel like i can never have a true healthy relationship with anyone... thus i'm still single, live by myself... my life is constant chos... i feel like i need to learn to love and trust, but i also feel like i'm setting myself up for devistation if i alow myself to be vulnerable... guess i'm back to my theroy that life would be so much eiser if i was a hermet.

My Mom, the Narcissist: The Ramifications of Being Raised by a Narcissist, Page 3 of 3 - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com

My Mom, the Narcissist: The Ramifications of Being Raised by a Narcissist, Page 3 of 3 - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com: "Learn to control your reactions to them and realize that, if you find yourself in a situation where you need support or validation, you will need to find it somewhere else. Since the narcissist is incapable of empathy and cannot see outside of themselves, they will be unable to help you."



yeah, i no longer dought that my mother is narcissistic... i'm glad that i finaly found a lable that fits her perfectly... yet i still feel like i'm lacking something major from the picture... maybe because i realize that i will never get what i need from my mother and problom of mine will only be a "poor refection" on her, that everything she does for me should be given such extreem praise and admeration, that i should always be at her beccon call, that if i am not exactly who she wants me to be giving up myself compleatly then i will never be a good enough person to her, that i can only be acnolaged for what i do and not just simply for who i am, that she will never be alble to see her own falts, that she will over react to any type of critisim, that she will never be afraid to speak her mind when it comes to the stock pile of critisim she has to hand out, and that whenever company is around she will put on the perfect act so that everyone will admire her and think that there must be something wrong with me for having issues with her. oh, and that she will always think her ways of doing things is the best way so whenever she gets the chance she will rearange my house, buy me things that she thinks i should like and insist that i must like them because SHE picked it out, and always expect to be given back anything she has given to anyone and the first hint of wanting it back.

i wonder who i really whould have been if i hadn't have grown up trying to please an unpleasable mother at the expence of my own self.