for some reason i have a hard time conecting my emotiuonal issues iwth the reasons that is causieng the issues. it's like i don't expect to have an emotional reaction to the things in life... or manybe not expect to have as strong of an emotional reaction as i do. it's like a part of me expects to go though life with an all scientific antalitical perspective and another part of me has only an emotional reaction ... and the two sides don't comunicate. ... google here i come....
ok, two of a million some leads aply to what i feel i am experiancing...
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=8&ved=0CDoQFjAH&url=http%3A%2F%2Fptsd.about.com%2Fod%2Fselfhelp%2Fa%2Femotionbeliefs.htm&ei=mrxlTLCcFML38Aa_2ZnZCA&usg=AFQjCNGj7LHjk_GjggvrDW-X28QefzCtCA&sig2=k_kzpjZ6DQzpk041XEUZ8g
and
http://www.ldpride.net/emotions.htm
misbelifes about my emotions and shame and fear about what people might think about me if they knew more about me, this fits in so many ways to this week... i was having some difucultys with my meds and i was so scared that if i didn't straghten it out that people would think that i am not compedent enough to handle my own life.
ok this line "people with PTSD might try to block the expression of positive emotions because they worry that it will make them vulnerable "
i feel like with my friends i either have to be fake and put on a got it all toghter act or i'm vulnerable... and with friends i'm willing to be vulnerable... but... i'm worried that i make myself too vulnerable.... idk... some things are still bugging me... that delicate balance between myself and another person... i guess i just feel like i can never have a true healthy relationship with anyone... thus i'm still single, live by myself... my life is constant chos... i feel like i need to learn to love and trust, but i also feel like i'm setting myself up for devistation if i alow myself to be vulnerable... guess i'm back to my theroy that life would be so much eiser if i was a hermet.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
My Mom, the Narcissist: The Ramifications of Being Raised by a Narcissist, Page 3 of 3 - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com
My Mom, the Narcissist: The Ramifications of Being Raised by a Narcissist, Page 3 of 3 - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com: "Learn to control your reactions to them and realize that, if you find yourself in a situation where you need support or validation, you will need to find it somewhere else. Since the narcissist is incapable of empathy and cannot see outside of themselves, they will be unable to help you."
yeah, i no longer dought that my mother is narcissistic... i'm glad that i finaly found a lable that fits her perfectly... yet i still feel like i'm lacking something major from the picture... maybe because i realize that i will never get what i need from my mother and problom of mine will only be a "poor refection" on her, that everything she does for me should be given such extreem praise and admeration, that i should always be at her beccon call, that if i am not exactly who she wants me to be giving up myself compleatly then i will never be a good enough person to her, that i can only be acnolaged for what i do and not just simply for who i am, that she will never be alble to see her own falts, that she will over react to any type of critisim, that she will never be afraid to speak her mind when it comes to the stock pile of critisim she has to hand out, and that whenever company is around she will put on the perfect act so that everyone will admire her and think that there must be something wrong with me for having issues with her. oh, and that she will always think her ways of doing things is the best way so whenever she gets the chance she will rearange my house, buy me things that she thinks i should like and insist that i must like them because SHE picked it out, and always expect to be given back anything she has given to anyone and the first hint of wanting it back.
i wonder who i really whould have been if i hadn't have grown up trying to please an unpleasable mother at the expence of my own self.
yeah, i no longer dought that my mother is narcissistic... i'm glad that i finaly found a lable that fits her perfectly... yet i still feel like i'm lacking something major from the picture... maybe because i realize that i will never get what i need from my mother and problom of mine will only be a "poor refection" on her, that everything she does for me should be given such extreem praise and admeration, that i should always be at her beccon call, that if i am not exactly who she wants me to be giving up myself compleatly then i will never be a good enough person to her, that i can only be acnolaged for what i do and not just simply for who i am, that she will never be alble to see her own falts, that she will over react to any type of critisim, that she will never be afraid to speak her mind when it comes to the stock pile of critisim she has to hand out, and that whenever company is around she will put on the perfect act so that everyone will admire her and think that there must be something wrong with me for having issues with her. oh, and that she will always think her ways of doing things is the best way so whenever she gets the chance she will rearange my house, buy me things that she thinks i should like and insist that i must like them because SHE picked it out, and always expect to be given back anything she has given to anyone and the first hint of wanting it back.
i wonder who i really whould have been if i hadn't have grown up trying to please an unpleasable mother at the expence of my own self.
Friday, July 16, 2010
things that bug be
the dirty list... pet peeves and more.
people trying to talk to me when i am not when i am not in the room paying attention or feel like talking.
people screaming things over large distances to another person ... just walk over to them.. lazy a....
people ignoring me when i talk and not having at least the consideration of saying " i hear you but I'm just not listening"
people yelling at me as if I'm a kid that doesn't know any better and needs to be corrected and punished... come on now, not only is that disrespectful but that is down right belittling. i don't know of anyone with even the smallest amount of self respect that wouldn't be bothered by that.
people obsessively focused on being petty ... like ignoring you if you don't say please (beyond joking around) along these lines are people that are so focus on the way they think things should be done that only their way counts and they can't dare to think outside their box and maybe even stop to think that the person they are dealing with is more important that the issue they are dealing with so actually have some leniency with people and cut them a little slack before they get so stressed from trying to meet you ever growing list of ways to be perfect without ever getting an "that-a-boy" that they end up going bazerko and exploding when they couldn't stand just one more small criticism....
what ever happened to treating people with the same respect that you want other to treat you with? are we becoming a society that is so disconnected to one another because of all our media addiction that we no longer have a clue how to treat others.
how about if you feel that someone is having an attitude with you instead of getting all pissy at them try to ask them if they are feeling ok... show concern and understanding first. i guess i see this most with parents dealing with teenagers ... yes they need to learn respect but if every time they answer one of your questions you accuse them of having an attitude... where do you really think that is going to get you? respect people as individuals with the right to make decision for themselves.
if someone needs space... don't force yourself on them. if they are trying to get away from you... give them room. don't force an issue that they are not ready to face... talk about when they will be ready ... what will help them feel ready .. .and how you can know when they are ready... don't corner them and make them feel like doing something extreme to get away from you. that is predatory and controlling. even if you have you preconceived ideas about their motives still give them a chance and take them seriously for a minute ... what will it hurt to give them a minute? you will gain a lot of respect by doing so.
and when all fails and you end up in a argument... respect the space, and don't blame, talk about the issues if need be, but don't get into a "you said, you did" it just reignites the fire and accomplishes nothing.
people who brag about who they know... really what is the purpose of that? unless i am interested in knowing more about someone specifically that you know... talking about all your famous friends is just bragging and truthfully annoying. God is not a respecter of persons... he does not value one person more than another...watching you do it even though you claim to following the Christan life style of becoming more like Christ... sorry if that rubs me the wrong way ... and if you didn't notice... i wasn't really listening .. yet you keep talking... back to the first pet peeve.
whew.. i think ya get the point.
people trying to talk to me when i am not when i am not in the room paying attention or feel like talking.
people screaming things over large distances to another person ... just walk over to them.. lazy a....
people ignoring me when i talk and not having at least the consideration of saying " i hear you but I'm just not listening"
people yelling at me as if I'm a kid that doesn't know any better and needs to be corrected and punished... come on now, not only is that disrespectful but that is down right belittling. i don't know of anyone with even the smallest amount of self respect that wouldn't be bothered by that.
people obsessively focused on being petty ... like ignoring you if you don't say please (beyond joking around) along these lines are people that are so focus on the way they think things should be done that only their way counts and they can't dare to think outside their box and maybe even stop to think that the person they are dealing with is more important that the issue they are dealing with so actually have some leniency with people and cut them a little slack before they get so stressed from trying to meet you ever growing list of ways to be perfect without ever getting an "that-a-boy" that they end up going bazerko and exploding when they couldn't stand just one more small criticism....
what ever happened to treating people with the same respect that you want other to treat you with? are we becoming a society that is so disconnected to one another because of all our media addiction that we no longer have a clue how to treat others.
how about if you feel that someone is having an attitude with you instead of getting all pissy at them try to ask them if they are feeling ok... show concern and understanding first. i guess i see this most with parents dealing with teenagers ... yes they need to learn respect but if every time they answer one of your questions you accuse them of having an attitude... where do you really think that is going to get you? respect people as individuals with the right to make decision for themselves.
if someone needs space... don't force yourself on them. if they are trying to get away from you... give them room. don't force an issue that they are not ready to face... talk about when they will be ready ... what will help them feel ready .. .and how you can know when they are ready... don't corner them and make them feel like doing something extreme to get away from you. that is predatory and controlling. even if you have you preconceived ideas about their motives still give them a chance and take them seriously for a minute ... what will it hurt to give them a minute? you will gain a lot of respect by doing so.
and when all fails and you end up in a argument... respect the space, and don't blame, talk about the issues if need be, but don't get into a "you said, you did" it just reignites the fire and accomplishes nothing.
people who brag about who they know... really what is the purpose of that? unless i am interested in knowing more about someone specifically that you know... talking about all your famous friends is just bragging and truthfully annoying. God is not a respecter of persons... he does not value one person more than another...watching you do it even though you claim to following the Christan life style of becoming more like Christ... sorry if that rubs me the wrong way ... and if you didn't notice... i wasn't really listening .. yet you keep talking... back to the first pet peeve.
whew.. i think ya get the point.
Friday, April 23, 2010
then and now
last week was pms... every trouble seemed super amplified and i wanted to hide from the world. this week just as many problems, maybe even worse, and i shrug them off. what else am i to do?
everyone is poor - everyone is struggling - everyone is wondering what is going to happen next. if predictions are right things are about to get worse as countries start declaring bankruptcy and our own country gets plunged into a bank holiday where no one can get any money at all.
the environment is a mess, and people seem to think that God will save us from the mess we have made, but that's not his style, he teaches us and give us consequences for things we have done wrong. God save us? he saves our souls - but this planet that he made for us and we are trashing and leveling the mountains to get more coal to have more electricity when if we were just more realistic in our demands we would be fine....
everyone is poor - everyone is struggling - everyone is wondering what is going to happen next. if predictions are right things are about to get worse as countries start declaring bankruptcy and our own country gets plunged into a bank holiday where no one can get any money at all.
the environment is a mess, and people seem to think that God will save us from the mess we have made, but that's not his style, he teaches us and give us consequences for things we have done wrong. God save us? he saves our souls - but this planet that he made for us and we are trashing and leveling the mountains to get more coal to have more electricity when if we were just more realistic in our demands we would be fine....
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