1/31/2004 11:50 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm on nights now. i can't sleep... at best i sleep for 3 hours then pop awake. i've been having recurrent 'tornado' dreams again... that's usaly a sign of deep inner probloms. my car is in the shop, head cracked... not sure when i will see it again. finacial probloms up the yingyang... andchoices all over the place.. no fun choices... i could be off nights next week if i accept a full time position at another house... i'm not sure i want to change houses, i'm not sure what switching to full time will mean... i'm afraid i will have less free time and to do the switch i would have to give up my much needed DBT class. i could be in my new apartment next week... depending on the car repair bill... but i'm still not sure i want to leave here... there that emotional atachment i don't want to sever... but it gets severed all the time anyway... it's very painful... but i guess i'm just afraid of being alone and have anieve hope that things will turn around here and be ok soon.
1/19/2004 12:49 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
my counselor encoraged me to not do my usual of pretending the probloms dosn't exist, instead of ignoring the fact that i will be on nightshift untill the last possible moment; i have to set out a plan, i have to plan to sugcede... i have to plan my meals and snacks to keep my blood surgars balances, i have to plan my awake and sleep times, my leasure activitys and set up my light therapy at hours that will help me. part of me wants to screem and run fromthis chalenge, the other part is ready for it... but that is the part of me i often consider nieve and dim when it comes to learning from experiance. my counselor also encoraged me to take a step of faith reguarding finding a new place to live, i'm scared to move right now because i'm scared i'm going to mess up the job with having to do night shift. but inorder to survive night shift i really do need to be in my new place. another obstical to moving is fear of being on my own. i used to love being alone, i used to think of it as what i deserved, that a person like me should live on my own, seperated from other, unloveable, unsociatable... and even though this place i am living right now is a very toxic enviroment it's still has it's moments of conecting with other people. i know i need to move, i just really wished this place would have worked out better and wouldn'thave been so toxic... and i still have hope it could change... even after a year and a half. but it's like letting go of my security blanket... (and i do still have my blanki from when i was a kid that i sleep with every night.) and it's still that i want to hold on so badly because this place really dosn't fill my needs of freadship, suport, attention and love. it' falls very short all the time... it's more harmful than helpful but i live from moment to moment hopeing the next moment will measure up to all my hopes. it's like to move out i would have to be saying about myself all over again that i'm not good enough to be loved. i wasn't good enough, they didn't love me enough, i failed. i don't want to think that way agian. and the only way that i know to fix that feeling is to do as i have in the past with going from boyfriend to boyfriend without even a breath inbetween... i really don't want to go back to that and all the other coping mecanisms i had to deal with all the associated feelings. there are no quick fix bandaids here...
1/15/2004 11:57 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
I have a good paying job working for the state, I have some hesitations about it, but trying to push ahead in faith. I'm potently standing in the doorway of great things ahead and I have been wisely advised to plan to succeed instead of focus on the fear of the failure. I'm also looking forward to the opportunity to be a swimming instructor at the YMCA, I loved working with kids, helping them over come their fears of the water when I was in Lansing. I'm looking forward to my career goal of either being a teacher for special needs/emotionally impaired children or a child therapist. all I have to do is overcome the fear...
I've been debating about finding another place to live, although I've been holding off because of my fears but others have encouraged me to push ahead in faith. I have convently found 101 excuses to not do it the last few week.. ya know too busy, car problems, sick.... then I think of the proverb about the foolish man that comes up with excuses to not leave his house ... it's a sad day when you can say that you can identify with the foolish man. I'm sure it will all turn out ok, I've come a long way in the last year or so. I've stopped looking for others to figure me out and solve my problems and started figuring myself out and trying to put some direction in my life and stop being tossed back and forth by the waves.
I've also been learning a lot about natural medicine and healing and so greatly improving my quality of life by increasing my health naturally. somehow I would like to combine my interest in that area with my interest in helping emotionally impaired children. possibly becoming a naturalpathic pediatric psychologist. but that's sorta a big thing to say, so I'll just work on getting though the next 3 months for now.
1/12/2004 5:37 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
ok.. so my only good thing just got cancled... she's moving back to the house... i had a feeling this was going to happen... i hardly slept all night thinking about it... i wish ppl whould make there choices and stick to them instead of adding more chaos to the world by merly breathing. .. i'm in a shitty mood now... i actuly got my hopes up this past week, things were looking like they might turn for the better... now it's all back to square one... i really don't want to be living right now... i shouldn't have goten my hopes so high... i know how these things always turn out... like a pathetic little puppy i run back to the corner with my tail between my legs and my head hung low and scared... i want to make it all disapear.
1/8/2004 7:39 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
i'm holding my breath... i'm being mandated to night shift at work... i have never been able to manage night shift... my head gasket is bad on my car... facing big repair costs... only good thing is one of the stress makers that used to live here is gone.
just holding my breath trying hard not to flip out. ..
12/26/2003 11:56 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i think i'm going to make it... i just might survive after all!
12/24/2003 11:53 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
as i start my new job and work my way though the trainning there is one part that is very hard to deal with. the class where we learn takedowns, restraints and other defences. this class hits so many triggers as we role play out situations in wich we may need to do a restraint or takedown in the new job. i'm already testile sensitive from the issues in the past, add to that role playing as the instructor has you in a choke hold and tells you your life is in great danger if you do not get out of it fast. i talked this over in my theripy some today, but i feel like i barly scratched the surface of how hard this is for me to handle. the instructor has noticed my unusual jumpyness, other classmates also have commented on my slightly odd reations. there is only one day left of this training, test day, the day they will make it even harder for us to acompllish the objectives. one of the emotional respoces to this class i noted in my journal was my desire to feel protected as my mother never did. how she would tell me that my brother wouldn't do those things to me if i just ignored him... she made it my faught that i was being hurt, and she did not protect me... what kind of mother wouldn't protect there child when they were being hurt?????
12/5/2003 1:52 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
I got the state job, i start training on the 11th. full time trainning from 8am - 5pm. this disrupts my counsleing and dbt class. the vesid plannever got far. i'm feeling very insecure about the job and all of my comforts with counseling are going to be unavalabe for a whole month uring 'training' i was web serching for information on insecureity and vulnerablity sort of how i did with the andger hopeing to find somthing that owuld help me accet my emotion and find ways to deal with it... but i havn't found anything yet. i hade this feelings and the fact that i am insecure akes me more insecure thinking that the insercurity it'self will be what drags me down. *sigh* the insecurety has robed me of having joy about the new job and new opertunitys it opens up. i just want some feekin securety in life... weres my blanki and teady.. i want my blanki now!
how pethetic!
12/1/2003 12:11 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i had my T today, last week i was upset after leaving there because my T was upset with me about cutting and looked at me with that hopeless look.... and she tried to convince me to go on meds, i promised her that i would take my herbs more seriously and would try harder. so i went in there today all spified up and looking good, faking ofcorse but i did a damn good job at it because she commened on how much better i look this week. she asked me what made the differnce but i didn't really answer her. i sorta hinted at the end when i was talking about my new job opourtunity and how i will walk in there with my happy face and play my little role. i do not know if she conected that to what i was trying to do that day to her. i just can't stand that look she had in her eyes last week... i know i've seen it in others eyes before... just before they give up on me... i had planed on dicussing my dreams with her, but i had forgoten. latly my dreams have been that something was hapening to me and i was crying for help i would see my mother as either a statue or just walking by and ignoring my cries. as the situation got worse she was less to be seen untill she was completly gone from sight.
in my T's comments about me looking better she said that my eyes usaly have a red ring around them and she asked me if i smoke pot. even if i did i wouldn't tell, but... i don't. i thought it somewhat funny that my counselor thought i might be a pot head... *sigh* i have enough troubles in my life without poupusly creating more. although the temptation sure has been there alot. .. anyway... i'm my "good" self today... look good, act good be little miss good. this would fall under bki or rebeka terirory. but, atleast i started the conversation about it with T, so hopefuly it will be something we will work with and someday i may be 'fixed'! yeah...
11/22/2003 9:39 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i cut a few days ago when i was really angry. anger is a really hard emotion to deal with because i become scared of how i will express it. i amvery ashamed of it and fearful that someone will see it. my hormones have been off latly, realy havng a hard time with things and not really feeling like i have a safe person to talk to. ihave my counselor but that's limitied conversation time and i can easly avoid hard conversations by filling the time with outher things. i'm starting to open up more, butlike the other day she seen what i had done, asked me if i was feeling safe, i respondedwith my programed responce of "yeah" and she let it go at that, but i really was not feeling safe.
11/21/2003 11:52 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
.. things havn't been going so well latly... i'[m scared to admite to some of my lousy coping skills... but i've deffantly messed up. i'm deffantly feeling ashamed.

10/25/2003 9:50 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
ok ... well.. living at judi's didn't work out, she's controling and critical and just couldn't mind her own buissness. anyway.. i'm backliving at debs... temp... i'm unemployed, was fired the day i bought my new car. running in cerclel with gov assistance, and going to counseling 2x's a week just trying to hold myself together and possibly learn some skills to make the future alite easer to deal with.
8/28/2003 10:35 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
well.. life is wild... i've had some big fights with deb... we are speaking again.. but i'm very careful and caousous, i've set down some new boundries. i'm working on getting a car... just wish it was comming togethere faster and smother... judi (who i'm living with now) is nice, and working at her store is nice... it's not easy to find a job where your boss cares more about you than the task that needs to be done. but she also seems to have a strong controling side... maybe it's just how i read into thing... but some stuff she said to me the other day were defantly controling statments... but... being untrusting comes easy for me.. so who knows... just trying to go with the flow and see where it gets me. sure can't be any worse than any place i've been in the past.
8/8/2003 4:43 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
when working at the hospital i am back a deb's... all the nastyness and rudness reminds me why i am moving out... i can't belive just how some people can be... how humans can live so screwed up. i know my life is messed up, but i hate it, it drives me crazy and pushes me to do something to make it better... i just don't see how people can be comfortable in the beds that they make when it's filled with al the worst of things imaginable. .. i guess that's my newest pet peve... people that are not intrested in bettering there lives. i can understand times of depression and overwelling feeling... but when it becomes years and becomes the goal of the person to make everything as misserable as possible... i just don't get it. god says theres hope for the hopeless... but if the hopeless destroy all posiblitys for hope how will they ever see hope again. god is loving and keeps trying, and they keep rejecting. i don't get it. maybe i'm just young and entergetic and willing to jump at good posibiltys and take risks. i just don't understand thoses who are not like that... and i don't think i would want to understand since understanding usaly requires being in simmular secumstances. i've been depressed enough, i've been hopless enough, i've been wornout, frustrated and overwelled enough. and enough is enough, the time for me is now to start living.
i seen a quote the other day... and ofcorse i will misphrase it but hopefuly the meaning will still be as strong " as long as the desire exist, the how to will come" as long as we desire to improve our live, as long as we desire to heal, as long as we desire to be anything better than we have been and are now, how to do it will come to us when the time is right, and then the only thing leftis to make the choice to stay true to ourselves, dreams and desires and we will arive.
8/7/2003 4:38 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i have been doing better for the most part of not letting her words get to me... relizing that her guilt trips can't really be guilt trips if they don't cause me to feel guilty, but last weeks e-mail hit on hard times in wish i could really use her care and i had been thinking about how i would love to be living in michigan again, but the universe made it painfuly obouse that my mother hasn't changed. i also worry about being like her, i know i tend to be very emotionaly needy, i'm working on that, and i guess i can see how the cycles repeat, children don't get waht they need emotionaly from there mom, so it's hard to seperate from them so the dependancy and control continue, the child has children of there own to help fullfill that emotional void and so becoame dependant on them and it's just as hard for parents to let go of there dependence on there children as it is for the child to let go of there dream for that emotional nurturing. i wish my mother wasn't so stuborn so i could talk to her about these things and help her to see... but that's just me again not wanting to give up on that hope that someday momy will come running after i fall of my bike, pick me up se it i'm ok, hug me and help me to stop crying without any critical words about what i should or shuldn't have done that caused me to get hurt. i hope someday i will be able to get far enough away from my dependancy that i will feel that it's come time that i will be able to have relationships and children without repeating the paterns.
8/7/2003 4:22 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i am comming to the conclusion that my mother only worries about me because she is fearful of losing me and being abandoned and alone, it's not that she love me or cares about me, if she did then when she knew i was having probloms with a car or anything else and had the ablity to help me then she would without complaint or manipulation. so it's rather simple, my mother dosn't care about me, only about herself. admiting such a thing is hard, it feels like i'm abandoning all chances to get the nurturing i have longed from her, but it is better to be realistic about things than to be constantly and repeativly broken hearted over her unloving ways. this is how the "truth sets us free"
8/5/2003 7:32 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i've been thinking on some things today... the people i live with now cat died the other day... they are having a hard time with it... and so am i, but not in the same way, in a way of not sure how to react when they are talking about this cat. i've had animals die, so i do understand there feeling, but when my animals died my mother was there with her "it's stupid to cr over a stupid aminal, your over emotional, your crazy, it's not that big of deal, get over it" and i adopted that sort of attitude and that's how i tried to respond when my father died, thus never really getting though the greaving prosses the right way. to so many of the feelings i expressed to my mother about anything i got a responce of "your over emotional, your irational, your crazy, or your blowing this way out of propotion" gee... and we wonder why i'm in counseling trying to learn how to acnolage and handle my emotions apropreatly.... it must be some deep rocket science... or as my mother would say... they are reading into things" i am momentarly feelilng somee compassion for my mom... with all these belifes she lives by, her life is misserable... but these beliefes are who she is... her whole personality and life plans are based on this. if she was not this way she may not exist at all. i highly dought i will be greatly sad over her funeral when it comes her time, if i am sad at all it will be because i know how miserable she was and how stuborn she was, and how willingly close minded she was to the truths. i may feel that pitty for her... but i will not be sad for losing her love suport or care, because it never eally exixted. i may feel a bit or guilt or regret that i wasn't able to help her not be miserable, but i have tried and it has been her choice not to open her eyes in fear of what she might have to acnolage. at my fathers funeral i was sad, again not so much of losing love, suport or care since he didn't really have the oportuntiys to give any of that, although when he was around us he was nurturing more so than my mother. i was mostly sad over the lost hope that i had held and dreamed about for years of really getting to know him. and i had some regreat of not getting to know him sooner and not having the chance to try andhelp him not be miserable. i really greatly hope i do not get stuck in my mothers paterens or either of my biolagical parents misery. a say biolagcal because neither really had a chance to act as a parent to me. and i hold the resnt mant of that to my mother since she is the person i was mainly around, and she is the reason my father stayed away. in my weaker times i respond to my mother the same way my father did... just stay away, i do not greatly hold it against him for not being there, he did try, his heart got broken and his spirt was crushed. alghough i wish he had tried harder, sooner, i do not hold it against him in any angry way.
7/28/2003 11:25 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm not a deb's now... after the last few days, getting swore at for stupid things, not just the one i journaled aobut last, i'm just tired of livinglike that, being treated like that. the lady that owns the health food store where i have beenhelping out has a guest house on her farm, so i'm there, for now, not making any permanate choices yet, but everytime i walk back into deb's house im in another fight with someone because i'm not willing to just stand there and take it anymore. this place is nice, but there is alot of things up in the air iwth it too. so i guess i'm living here on my days off from the hospital when i'm working here and back at debs when i have to go to the hospital. i don't think the hospital job is going to be around much longer, theres just no decent pay... i don't know tho... theres just alot of i don't knows at this point. i had a dream that i was moving back to lansing last night... so who knows... living at debs is just geting to be too much... i love deb... but... with all the stress she is under with all the chaos... and how that changes her... and just living with the chaos too... it's just alot... i hope debbie will be ok, i'm worried about her... i wish she would decide to get away from it too... this is hard for me... but i know i need to... even if i'm not sure i want too.
7/26/2003 12:59 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm in a lonly mood tonight, it started as i sat alone on the beach wishing i had someone to swin out to the sand bar with. then i starting missing my old apartment and old job and was mad at my mom for not getting the clues with out me having to leave all that behind. ... anyway... i was extreemly lonly. when i got home debbie was stressed with all the junk going on here, why she puts up with it is beyond me... anyway, besides the point again.... she was going though the fridge looking for something and she had something of mine in her hand as she said that there was dead stuff in the fridge, so i asked her what was dead, wondering if it was my stuff. she fliped on me, threw some cantaner thing out of the fridge toard me on the floor and cussed at me... if it wasn't for my mood already for the night i probaly could have just excused it as her being stressed and it not really meaning anything, but since my mood was what it was, it really hurt.
my counselor is trying to encorage me to merge my rational self and my emotional self, to feel my emotions fully but to stay in control... i didn't do such a good job of that tonight. and i'm still not ok, i'd love to be really drunk right now. i don't think it counts as staying in control when all you can do is sit and cry and think about all the differnt things you could do to make the icky feeling go away.
7/21/2003 9:20 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm working on something to try to identify which of my everyday complains have emotional conections, i put a chart in my daily journal that looks sorta like this:
complaint/pain: emotional feelings: situation when it started:
sorta dizzy sorta ignored or invisable in a chat room and no one talking to me
feel like hiding uneasy, scared stuff out of the normal paterens in chat
7/19/2003 1:21 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm still awake.... i don't kow if it's just from trying to come off the vicodin, or what, i'm jsut freaked out tonight. i'm woking on therorys as to why my sholder hurts so bad after that surgury, my stomach don't hurt no more, but my sholder sure does... i got some intresting and 'out there' therorys .. .that i'm not going to bother geting into in detail in fear that i might incriminate myself and prove to the world that i am crazy.
along with this i'm also having floods of things from the past that were fearful to me.
i'm not me tonight....
trying to relax
7/18/2003 12:20 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i've been helping out at the heath food store in the kitchen the last few days since i'm off from my reg job, just lite stuff. been learning alot about heath and ways to prevent the endomethosis and fibroid toumors and alot of other neat heath stuff. i'm trying to change my diet, that's not easy when ya live in a house that has oreo's sitting on the table 24/7. i'm starting to get addicted to the vicodin the doc gave me, it's no big deal to me, i know how many pills i have left and how long i have to get myself unaddicted... this hapens almost every time i get any sort of pain meds, and i'm a pro and getting myself off them. deb's freaked aout about it tho... oh well she's been freaked out lot latly. i really don't understand her, well.. i do... but... when i leave the house for the day and say by she can be in a good mood willing to chat with me, i come back and she grouchy and wants to be left alone... ofcorse i always take things like that personaly and wonder what i have done... i'm sure she's just fed up with everyone that'a been botheirng her all day long and not with me, i hope. yesterday working at the heathfod store i had a simular problom, the lady that run's the store, judi, was in a strange mood, even when i first walked in, but i had to sit there and run though my mind all the resons it might be my faught, and ofcorse i came up with alot.
i wonder what this day will bring and what moods will pre-exist.
i got my stitches out yesterday, that made things feel alot better very quickly, i seem to be fairly back to normal, just streaching past a certain point hurts. still having alot of 'gas' pains... allthough it seems weird that the gas from the surgury would still be hanging around, and that gas could hurt so bad. .. anyhow...
my session with my T last tue was intreasting, she talking about sothing how everyone needs sothing and as kids we should get that from our parents, then learn how to sooth ourselves and still as adults have good self soothing habits. we figured that my mother didn't have good self soothing habits and as she held me as a baby became atacted to me as i am atached to my little baby blanket that i can't let go of. but my mother was never soothing to me, it was backwards. and even today i look to others when i need soothing i really don't know how to do it on my own for myself. so that's my next tast, learning self soothing... whatever that may be!
7/13/2003 7:31 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i had surgury friday, a dianostic laposcopy, they found endomethosis and fibriod tomors, some of the endomethosis was on my l overy, so that's why i've been having irgular cycles. they also atribute mood swings to endomethosis along with the pain that i kept telling people was there but no one could find a reason for. i'm slowly recoving from the surgury... it hurts. they use gas to inflate the abdomon during surgury to see around in there better, the night after surgury i woke up after sleeping just a short time and coudn't breath, i stayed calm for awhile then started to cry and finaly someone came around and got debbie's attetion for me. she thought i was just panicing, i finaly called to the hospital and after haivng to page the doctor and all that stuff i was able to cough alittle and move alittle and it was starting to let up. later the next morning i found out that hapened because of the gas they use in surgury setled around my lungs. so i was glad to find out it wasn't just in my head, but i sure wish they would have told me about that before hand so that i wouldn't have goten so scared. to keep it from doing that again they said i have to walk alot, so i've been trying, i walk slower then debbie with her little cane thing. i've been using other mussles and tryingto avoid using my stomach mussles and so now my hips and wrists are hurting too. i'm getting around ok tho, i can't stand sitting or standing or being in any one spot for long.
all this.. just to prove to ppl that i wasn't crazy and there was something wrong with me....
7/7/2003 12:05 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm not sure what to type tonight, i'm sure theres alot i need to get out since i've been crying most the day.... i'm on my reguly schedulded late cycle again... so that might be partly to blame, general depression symptoms, feeling alone, no one cares no one understands,can't talk to anyone, feel the need to isolate and think about ways i could hurt myself. one thing that's really been getting to me is how people are quick to critisize and slow to seek to understand.and i sorta feel like critisizem has ben the theam of the last month or so. in many places and ways.
i remeber feeling alittle funny last night, but yet i don't remeber... i remeber thinking that i did feel alittle funny, but don't remeber feeling that way. if that makes any sence to anyone they win the big prize for the day. this morning i woke up, my dreams were very detailedand eventful, one had so9mething to do with one of my fav tv shows and being an fbi againt and trying to track down a radioactive hazardous bomb, and something about comspericy and .... it was just eventful. it sometimes bothers me that in my dreams i start of as me and end up as some other character, usaly a guy, strong character... woudn't want a dream antioist to get ahold of what's in my head! anyway...... day strted werid... something was werid about the sh9ower.. don't rember what... then i layed back down infrount of the fan and was very vividly remebering things from the past, the one event standing out the most was on my b-day when my brother threw a rock though the back of the car window when i was in the back seat and my mother put the car in reverse and i thought she was going to run him over and i started screeming to get out of the car and she sudenly remebered i was there and became concerned about the broken glass all over me.... i tried to go back to slep to try to get it out of my head, just woke up all dizzy and headachy. finished getting ready for church and had to fight with kids over who sits where... i keep telling myself i'm never going to ride with them again... but... i keep doing it... and the kids wonder why i never want to have them go with me when i'm going out someplace... when i sit in the back with them i'm stuck in the middle of kicking fights, tossing things and arguments and children not whereing there seat belts... but.. since they are not my children i am powerless to doanything.. so i find myself traped in a situation that i have no say or control over.... and ppl can't understand why that would put me in a bad mood... and that's not even taking into account my tendency toward car sickness when i'm stressed and riding in the back of a vehicle. then church was loud, getting my ears ringing again, i wished i had stayed homw and vowed not to go back to church anymore. between all the hasles and the frustration that sermons just don't seem to target abused and mentaly struggling people that easy answers just doin't work for. on the way home more frustration.. and ofcorse everythings my faught... the kid throwing the tantrum isn't the one to blame... but me... so ofcorse the tantrum child gets there way... and i feel like the bigest peice of shit ever droped. i keep trying to sleep away my feelings, but i can't help feeling like shit today. afraid that everything i think about doing will get me critisized again. whatever i do, someone has to have issue with it... or i'm in someone's way... even in my room i'm probaly using too much electricity or something. but ofcorse i'm sure it "just me" and i must just be having a pitty party or something like that. ofcorse none of my issues can ever really be anything serious, just all my petty little things.... i don't have enough space to get into the rest of the day... time to go back to pretending i don't care.
6/27/2003 8:11 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i have been quite sick the last few days... monday i was out scenic though the woods, tuesday i was spraying the yard for mosiquitos, by wensdaymorning i work up with a horible stiff neck, strong general achiness, every joint and mussle, a headach and a rising temp, by 2am thur morn i was up to 103 an hour after taking a feaver reducer... i went to the er with a list of all my probloms, they picked up on the sore throught and said it's strep, but with strep i've never run fevers like this or had the pains. they put me opn an anti-biotic, but i'm still running 103+ temps. my origional thought was west nile virus... but they didn't do any blood work or cultures in the er... they also didn't do anything about the high pulse or chest pain... so i'm praying for healing from God, the docs sure ain't going to help me.
6/23/2003 11:36 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i witnessed defantat child abuse today, tim was trying to get jessi to stop playing with the lawn mower.. jessie is 8 and just wants to mow the lawn, his grampa has worked with him some showinghim how to, but he's not yet alowed to do it on his own. however that's what he kept trying to so today despite how many times he got yelled at. nobody wanted to go outside with him and watchi him so that he could mow today. tim just sat parked infount of the tv all day long. sometimes i get so angry watching him neglect his children like that, and also listening to his lousy shows and cussing at the loud tv all the time, some times i get so angry that i feel like sneeking into the basment and cutting the power to it. ... anyway... tim in his anger and frustration with jessi today oulled him in the house by his arm, grabed the largest knife in the kitchen and held it up to jessi as he yelled "this is what is under that mower, this can cut your armor your leg off.... ... .." as tom held jessi's arm on the counter he continusecd to screem " do you want your arm cut off, do you want me to cut your arm off" then tim slamed the knifeagainst the counter in a slicing motion inches away from jessie's arm. jessie was crying and defantly looked scared that his father was going to cut him.
jessis is alredy prone to violance, and i'm sure it will only be a matter of time before he picks up a knife when he's angry and wants to get a point acrost and threten people with it. i'm sure jessie will have nightmares about this, i know i will, knifes already are a trigger object for me. the most disapointing part of all this is my friend was also sitting there watching all this and i kept expecting her to jump in and stop tim... but she didn't, and she seemed to aprove of tim's handleing of the situation... thisis very upseting to me, i am werry of talking to her now... this puts her on the abusers side and not the protector side that i had her veiwed on before... my trust in her is in jepordy. i thought about reporting this to childprotective, but i know the hassel i whould have to endoure, that was the number 1 rule growing up and surviving abuse... never do anything to bring more trouble to yourself. yes i feel bad for this kid.. but i also know that this event is nothing out of the norm for this family. if it were my own kid i would have timlockedup in jail for the rest of his natural life. and the thought of yet another child suffering in simmular ways that i did is an unbarable thought. but disacosiating and "forgeting" the event is something i am a pro at... i know what the "right" thing to do is... i'm sure it's what God would probaly want me to do... but i don't think i could live with these people and how much hell they whould add to my life for it. it would be eiser if the kid was still in school., chances are he would talk about it at school and it would get reported anyway... he does start summer school in 2 weeks, so that's still a possibility... but slim. i am so strongly worried about what other people might think of me if i do... and jessie wouldn't really understand or apreciate it either. it would be more self satifying, that would end up bringing tourcher.
6/22/2003 8:27 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm really jumpy tonight... deb whent to pick kids of from a b-day party and i went with her, then i was invited into this house, i sorta know this person but not very well, she ofered me cake and icecream and i was just all shy and found it hard to talk. i think i was almost expecting that if i said yes my mother would be there and slap me and tell me it's not my birthday and i wasn't invited to the party so i shouldn't have anything and should have said no. but yet i was also worried about being yelled at for being rude if i said no... but that's not from my mom... not sure where that one is from. it was weird anyway...
i'm not sure how tonight will be, probaly more ppl fighting.. so i will probaly end up goin outside and starting a campfire again just to have a quiet place, hopefuly where the kids will not pester me also.
i'm no deb's/kenny's pc... i get on here quite often, but whenever kenny comes home and opens the door i'm afraid i'm going to get yelled at... although he never has, sometimes he ask me if i'm going to be on long because he'd like to check his e-mail... i always feel like i'm sneeking around trying to get away with something. my brother was very possesive of the pc in the house, he clamed it as his even tho my mother bought it for al of us. he took it ineo his room so no one else would mess with it. eventuly when he moved out to grama's he left the old pc there... he had bought/build his own pc. but he remained in control of that pc and i was always scared when i was on it that he would come though that door. sometimes moved quickly and acted as if i wasn't on it, other times i sat half frozen as if, if i don't move he won't see me. one time he came in and i had a plate of food on the table next to the pc waiting for it to cool as i worked on a school project... he came up to me ferious thinking that i was eating at the pc... next thing i know i was in the middle of a fist fight where for the first time i was actuly fighting back... i walked away with 2 black eyes and a swolen face.
when i feel jumpy like this i often have my mussles in my arms tense ready to block a punch or throw a punch. i fear for the day that i lose control over myself and actuly act my feelings all the way out. and i know it can hapen, it has hapened in other situations, not to the point that i would beat anyone, but to the point that i have put someone in a restraining hold because of my fear. i greatly fear my anger and destructive potental, on a day to day basis i give and inocent, sweet can't hurt a fly type image, but i know the internal truth. other times... i give the big bad i can beat your ass image, at them times is when i'm more likely to not hurt a fly. i'm always acting oposite of how i feel, i somehow have to protect my feelings, can't let people know what i really think. not always tho... i have "safe" people that i eventuly am open with... but they usaly have to pry at me a while, that sorta lets me know that they really do care to know.
i'm flying someplace far tonight

6/20/2003 1:12 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
I finaly got things going with clifton springs.. though all the insurance red tape… however now my counselor there is on vacation for 2 weeks…. will see her again on the 30th. I seen her the day before the gyn apt… I was having so much anxiety, she gave me some tips on how to stay grounded so I wouldn't be too triggered by he experience.,.. I tried… it helped some, but I was still emotionally triggered… at the end of the apt all I could do is sit in that office and cry… I had debbie go with me, so that helped some. but since then I've been having some very strong depressed moments. what I hate the most about feeling depressed is how I treat people around me… like… I expect extra caring and sensitivity from debbie, but then it's not there I'm overly critical and that gets her upset at me, then as she tries to distance herself from me I fell even worse and start to feel like I want to hurt myself. I feel that since she's trying to put more distance then she must hate me, I must be horrible… on and on… and ofcorse she says she don't think any of that… but I still feel that way. I really feel like I can't talk to her anymore… and that's a scary feeling… I really don't like the familiar path this starts me down… and ofcorse it's eiser to blame other people for how I feel then to take these bad feelings onto myself… is that part of the codependency? … defantly part of a really bad cycle…feel bad, blame others, others distance themselves, feel isolated and more depressed and fantasize about self harm and death. so I guess I have to stop blaming others… but I just wish they would me more sensitive and understanding when I'm not feeling good. I really want to learn how to control and handle my emotions.

6/4/2003 9:48 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
days like this make me think that thres no excaping the past trap... i feel contaminated... and that somehow just by living and breathing i'm somehow responsable for all the shit that hapens around me... i would be locked up and not be alowed to be around people.. i'm a bad influence... just by nature of he dark spirits that shadow me. .. like little trols or garloyle that hide in my shadow and create chos and reak havoc very place my foot lands. i feel like an evil that needs to be destroyed.
i don't know where all this is comming from, possibly part of the flashback stuff... how i just could never exscape my mothers blame... always somehow i made every situation worse. didn't mater what i did or how hard i tried... it's just the way it worked out.. i was cursed.
feelings and self definitions of the past are hard to shake. and relating them to current day is all too easy.
6/4/2003 9:09 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
feel vry little tonight... feel funny... floating... ppl angry... triggering.... feel 6 ... .. remeber hiding in closet with kitties from brother........... i want outa here... scared... cant go alone. .. dizzy... going to faint.. .can't do it... had been doing so better latly staying "with it" ... why now? started yesterday... don't know why...
wanta run and hide. i so little. so scared
6/1/2003 9:33 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
well.. the last few days at work went well, been in a fairly good mood, some stomach probloms, but was in a good mood so it seemed smaller. i acutly slept ok, was sorta drifty today at work, but mostly because we ran out of things to do. ame home flleing good, conserned about my car because the last few days i though i seen some smoke when i parked. so i dared to peek... anitfrezze sprayed over the engin... probaly the water pump.... at home... now remebering why i like to avoid being here... no one talks... they screem and make ear killing noises... tv not just running, blasting in souround sound... the sounds really hurting my ears tonight... puttting me into tears... go outside to getaway from it and have dogs barking at me... the sounds are littlerly hurting my ears. now i'm starting to feel depressed and traped. maybe i'm just getting tired again.. that hapens alot after i get home from work when i stay up just because i'm awake enough that i can stay awake. but i would like to get a few things done... even with my ear plugs in the sounds bother me, i feel agitated. i go down the whole thing of thinking about my own peaceful quiet place.... then how patheticly poor i am that i can't have my own place, and how i need another job, but how patheticly emotionaly messed up i am that i feel that i can not handle another job, and how just maybe if i wasn't here then i wouldn't feel this way and i would be ok... but things can't "just be" and getting there is hard to do. i don't know what i will make of this night... it may be ok as long as i can block itout... but with my ear plugsin i hear the ringing in my own ears that is starting to drive me nuts. ... great here i go.. back down the "i hate my life" road.... and the sadest part is even if all the surcomstances were as perfect as could be, me beingme would still probaly have something to bitch about. i really suck. ... well atleast i don't have to smell my cat litter pan and i can sit on my own pc.. (for now) them things are going alright. i hate to think how much this next car repair will be... i really don't have any money left.
5/30/2003 5:17 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
well the trip home just left me with increaded anxity probloms, it was probaly the constant nagging of my mother with every moment i made makingme parinoid of everything i do... i hate feeling like a kid again... the anity leaves me with a bad hapit of chewing on my toung... well today i can barly talk my toung hurts bad, my acid reflux probloms probaly make it even worse.
today theres alot i need to do, laundry so i have uniforms for work this weekend... whenever i work a few days in a row i'm always more stressed from lack of sleep and trying to cram everything i need to get done into a few hours. i got my bills made out today, although my bill folder is a desaster and needs to be reoganized, but i'm ok with leaving that for another time. i need to enter the checks i wrote into my progam on my pc so i don't lose track of what i have for money, i go to load my pc and theres something wrong, can't detect the mouse... try to get behind the pc to check it, hard to get back there, really need to get this room clean, then the stench from the cat littler pan overwelms me and the frustration of having so much to do, and not feeling good leaves me with a headach and the inability to foucus on anything and leaves me basicly unfunctional. what can i do? no one can solve my problom for me, i would wish for someone to just clean my room and fix my pc for me but noone will and i need to not be so co-dependant an people in that way. i could take a nap and wait for this emotional stuff to pass, but i have to be ib bed eairly tonight for work tomarow and i don't have the time to spare for a nap, anyway the stench from the cat litter pan would be to anoying to nap in there anyway. i could just ignore everything i need to do and sit on the other pc online and play games... further increasing the frustration that i just not managing to acomplish anything.
then i take the trip down the"what is wrong with me" lane... is this attention deficet disorder, to i have a brain toumor that makes daily living so complicated. what makes the differnce between the days i "just do it" and these days. maybe i need some differnt herbs, maybe i sould take my vitamins.. but my mouth hurts and i don't want to put anyting in it right now. .. i guess the sum of all this is that i'm just a failure of a human and this wil probaly cary over to work tomarow and i will probaly screw up there.... i'm was born a screw up... i shouldn't be alowed to live on this planet corupting the world with my stinky junk.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
close my eyes and rock... rock... rock....
5/18/2003 10:31 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
day 2 of staying with my mother......... first day she ran me all around finaly got home at 4pm and crashed into bed. she wanted me to go to some mother daughter thing at church... i had already been 2 days with no sleep and told her there was no wa i was going if i was too tired, so i was going to take a nap, and if i wroke up naturly in time then i would go, if not, too bad. i slept untill 6am. my brother came over, my mother took the couch and had me sleep on her bed, wich is my old room... i could hear them bickering back and forth outside the door... too much like old days... i got a headach and woke up feeling realy strange. today we went to church, the morning started off feeling weird, but i seem to untrigger alot faster than in the past. the weding was beutyful. absoulty perfect to the highest expectations... makes me wonder why things always seem to work out for some people, and other people like me never seem to have anything go right. but i enjoyed the weding with all it's simplisty and beuty. now i'm back home, i hate her computer... it's my brothers old pc and he has control over it. he's got all the setting protected by passwords, i can't get into any chats, download anything, sign into messanger or anything. he's defantly controling an manipulating my mother in this way... and it still amazes me, just as in the past why she puts up with this from him. i defantly can't get away with that stuff with her... some reasom she will bow and kiss any male's ass. it's frustrating. anyway... i'm getting tired.. but wanting to sit here awhile and watch tv... she keeps yapping her mouth and telling me things i could care less about and keeping me from hearing tv...
well.. wish all ya were here to devert me from all the fun... i'll let ya know if i survive
5/18/2003 10:31 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
day 2 of staying with my mother......... first day she ran me all around finaly got home at 4pm and crashed into bed. she wanted me to go to some mother daughter thing at church... i had already been 2 days with no sleep and told her there was no wa i was going if i was too tired, so i was going to take a nap, and if i wroke up naturly in time then i would go, if not, too bad. i slept untill 6am. my brother came over, my mother took the couch and had me sleep on her bed, wich is my old room... i could hear them bickering back and forth outside the door... too much like old days... i got a headach and woke up feeling realy strange. today we went to church, the morning started off feeling weird, but i seem to untrigger alot faster than in the past. the weding was beutyful. absoulty perfect to the highest expectations... makes me wonder why things always seem to work out for some people, and other people like me never seem to have anything go right. but i enjoyed the weding with all it's simplisty and beuty. now i'm back home, i hate her computer... it's my brothers old pc and he has control over it. he's got all the setting protected by passwords, i can't get into any chats, download anything, sign into messanger or anything. he's defantly controling an manipulating my mother in this way... and it still amazes me, just as in the past why she puts up with this from him. i defantly can't get away with that stuff with her... some reasom she will bow and kiss any male's ass. it's frustrating. anyway... i'm getting tired.. but wanting to sit here awhile and watch tv... she keeps yapping her mouth and telling me things i could care less about and keeping me from hearing tv...
well.. wish all ya were here to devert me from all the fun... i'll let ya know if i survive
5/14/2003 3:15 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
today, another day of chaos. i can't handle it today. everyone has choices and everyone has 100000 chances everyday to choise peace over chaos... and 100000 times they choice chaos.
i have alot of stomach probs, mostly from stress, i am atempting to change my diet in ways that will decrease the pain.
i'm taking off this weekend to michigan, going to my friends weding and visiting my mom. kinda anxous about that, but almost thinking that may be a nice reliefe from all the chaos here.

5/6/2003 10:45 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i found a few intresting feeling word that are fitting for me on a daily bases....
"distraught, melodramatically overwhelmed"
i am not a free person, i am bound by so many expectation, dreams, desires... but what is the alternative? to be numb and lifeless? uncareing and cold?
i feel pressured.. not sure why, there are just so many things i need to get done, things that i'm not sure how to do, frearful that i'll mess it up and things that re just pileling against me pushing me deeper into this blackhole that is sucking me away to some catatonic existance.
i can't consentrate and foucuse energy on anything.. i try... then a precived problom arises makeing the situation seem doomed of unfixable, my dreams unreachable and i feel foced to continue to live a life that i do not want. but yet i'm not sure of what i want. .. but yet i know exactly... maybe that's the bigger problom.. i just want to much. everything i want is oposite and contradictive to what i want. i want peace and quiet, and i want family and love. i want to be left alone, yet i want companionship.
and it's not just that these are things that i long for, these are things that i need... for some reason i just can not function without a structured, fuctionioning, managable enviroment. am i strange? does this qualify me for the straight jacket and padded walls that without reality fitting as closly as posible to my dream world that i will just crumble and desinagrate like the (intert good analagy here).
and even when i do seem close to abtaining what it was that i desired it still dosn't seem to "fix" anything like i had expected.
i gues this is a good time to go relax and meditate somewhere.... but there is so much that i NEED TO GET DONE.
i am surely going to expolode.
and then tomarow will come... and a new work day... more stressors and things that overwellme... and then the next day... how will i make it thought this week????
or any week for that matter... it's not just now or the situations, it's me.. all me.. messed up crazy... "some peoples children" me! the desaterous, unpredictable, overlymelodramatic, freaked out unsoficticated blob.
i ask for help.. but truly there is nothing that can help me.
life is chaos even in it's stillest hour......
oh free me from this mortal clay
save my soul and set me free
this life is surely too long for me to live
i will try, for as long as i can hide from the world my great inadiquetcys, but when they know i must run... and when the all know... i must die
4/28/2003 12:41 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i've been having probloms with beeing dizzy alot latly, could be inner ear deform or a brain tumor, could be bad nutrition, like vit b12, potassium or iron deficency, could be anemia from blood loss in my stomach with all my stomach pains, could have an ulser or something. who knows. don't have the $ to see the doc this week, and even if i did i'm not sure she could understand what i'm saying is wrong. i'm horrable at communication. been haveing probs with the current conseler in that area too. hopeing to get set up with the real one at the hospital soon... finacial probs there too.
my current counselor just wants me to get moved out of my current situation.. can't do that till i get more $, can't get that without another job, can't do that unless i feel better. it's a lose lose, dead end, between a rock and a hard place... it seems as though i'm going to end up dieing here.. .stuck forever. and i know otehrs here are suffering too... but i can't save anyone when i can barly stay aflot myself.and no one ehre can help me since they are all about to sink too. i have all these grandous thoughts, but i never get anywhere.
3/9/2003 8:30 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm getting hooked up ith counselors, had a meeding last thur that went good, i think i can trust that counselor, she's also a minister at my church and knows alot about the family that i am currently living with. i go monday to meet another counselor from the hospital. living in this house is increasingly hard, i'm glad i have someone to talk to about stuff outside of the house now because i really can't talk to anyone here anymore. it's sad, but it's also ok i guess.
i'm back to reading my books and stuff. so... things are starting to get moving inside again.
2/27/2003 1:20 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm so glad this thing automaticly puts the date for me, i've been soout of it latly... i know it's the last week of feb 2003 so i guess i can still be considered sane. i've been very dizzy and clumbsy latly and have a hard time with my night time knowing if i have been asleep dreaming or if i was awake doing things. this is a scarry place iget to every now and then when so many things feel so far out of my control.
i've beed doing some reading tonight wich is quite surprising in and of it's self this little spark was most litly ignited with reciving the information from my doctor that she phoned in the referal for me to start counseling. the 2 motivators being that i want to be able to have somthing to say to the counselors that sounds halfway intelegant in that i will know what to say about myself to expalin myself and also show that i am somewhat educated on this stuff. heven forbit i start off with a stupid image. ofcorse i know all the preeperation in the world will probaly still leave me empty minded sitting infrount of someone who i'm going to alow to antalize, judge and tell me how i should be. will i be overly trusting or lacking a needed amount of trust. i do at this moment have faith that this step in life will lead me to living a more normal life, but knowing me that hope will jump off the boat the first second the smallist difuculty arises. thank God hope floats, or so the movie title states.
i hate telling ppl things about me, it always seems as time passes and my own self veiws and consepts change it is hard for those around me to understand and acept the change.
i endevored to expalin my inside view of multable personalitys just incase it is questioned of my why i have belived myself to have them. i mostly sumed it up as feelings that were supressed that i let free to express themselves and in doing so picked names and identfied with images to help explain the emotion. with variing degrees of awarness of the "feeling" while they are out and the memorys that conect to them certain feelings and the pressance of disassociation be it parcial or nearly compleat unawarness of the going on's associated with the "feeling" time out. i'm not intrested in DMV's impression of things at this point, just intreated in being able to expalin and verbalize things for wich i have no words and sometimes little awarness of. all i am intrested in is getting a grip on my life. getting good coping skills and building healthy interpersonal relationships, and moving toward the goal of the american dream, just because that's what we are supost to do. ya know... the 5'9" husband 2.5 kids a dog, cat and a small fish tank in the nice ranch style house sitting behind the white picked fence. i stoped having my own dreams when i was young when i relized it didn't matter what i wanted, it's what everyone else wants that counts. and i mustn't be a hinderance or inconvenence to anyone else, infact do everything in my power to be helpful, and to help people at all times. "on my honor, i will try, to serve God, and my country, to help people at all times, and to live by the girlscout laws.
2/24/2003 3:16 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
when i get a thought that i think can give a good picture of what it is like in my head i try to remeber it and write it down, this one i think is one of the best:

i'm in a large strang building/house and it has exploded into a massive fire, somke everwhere and i don't know how to get out. i hear a voice from time to time of someone who thinks they know a way out, i can't see them and they can't see me but i try to explain to them where i'm at and they try to guess where i'm at and tell me to turn lef or turn right but with each move, some good, some bad i seem to onlybe finding myself more lost. panic rises as the relization that with each moment i'm losing precous time and each decision becomes harder and harder, the hard question wether to trust my own judgment or keep trusting this voice that hasn't seemed to help much so far. wondering if it would just be eiser to walk directly into the fire than to slowly sufficate from all this smoke.
2/7/2003 12:43 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
well, come to figure out... all them sleeping pills where just making me depressed and suicidal... i sorta knew it was affecting me all along but didn'tcare much... but... i relized i gota stop before i end up dead because even when i wasn't activly thinking of suicadal things i was invoulontarly doing stupid life threating things. a part of me says "who cares, keep taking them i deserve to be depressed and suicidal, i deserve to die." hopefuly that part of me will fade more and more the more that junk gets out of my system. but then again....
in time like this when my desires are off base i just determin to not folow any desire untill more level ground is reached.
when faced with a fork in the road and confusion and dizzyness in the head, sit and wait, relax and pray.
yes, sometimes a good perscription is to push though something and grit your teath and make it though, but when sanity and self harm is at risk it's best to wait untill you are calm and fuly ready, life situations and hardships may press, and you will know when the time is right when you are conected to the guidance of your higher power. seek and you will find, knock and the door will be answered, ask and you shall recive. wait apon the lord untill the timing is right and he will provide for your needs thought the meantime.
2/4/2003 12:32 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i lost my job last week.. life sucks.. i keep taking sleeping pills to keep myself numb and to keep from feeling... the pains are just too much... and when the pills start to ware off i start to get suicidal... i hate life.. i want to keep all the feelings away... i could talk to someone about it... but latly every time i try to talk i just upset people... they say i blame them... i just make them feel bad... and they get mad at me and say insulting things... i hate all this... i'm letting my inner child die... i'm dieing inside... nothing to be left but a numb outer shell... it used to be like that... before i started dealing with the past... i was cold and hartless... unhappy... yeah... but... i just want to be brain dead. i don't know if those around me even realize whats hapening at all... i sorta want them to know so that they will care and love me and comfort me... but i dought that's how they would respond... i'm sure i'd get something more like.. "grow up, get a grip ... you know.. the ususals. my bigest desire in life and modivation is to love and be loved... but i feel so far from that... the knife reaches in and picks at my heart... bleeding... crying... dieing inside.
i want to help myself.. but figure my efforts will be in vain and i will end up right back here again. i live most my life on the edge of a major breakdown and just wonder... if i stop fighting and let myself go if that will finaly end this strugle, or if i would be forever traped inside myself. all i see in my head right now is violant, muirder, blood and hatred.
i give my life's energy to being there for others and trying my hardest to suport them in hard times... then when the tables turn i hope the same in return... but all i get is how i should be able to handle these things by myself. and possible so... i could strugle and fight... but i'm too depressed right now... and i'm letting my life drop farther into the pit .. i can see the light above and sure i can get to it... but i'm not sure i want the light anymore... i'm not sure i wanta try. i just want to fall into the bubbleing lava below. theres nothing i really want up there.... i have hoped for love up there... but when i was closer to there than i am now i didn't really find it. well.. i did at times... but now... everything good has been torn. shreaded and falling past me to the lava. ... if i can't have my idealistic view of life... i don't want life. the dream has died, the hope is gone... here i go, into the night. i may not make myself die, but i'm not going to live, and if eath comes to me, i will not fight any more. nevermore. forevermore.
1/5/2003 4:41 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
shaking, crying, going to barf,
"your going to make yourself sick"
hiding,.scared, darkness all around
shaking crying, going to barf
quiet, shhh, don't let him find us here
shaking, crying, and torn inside
no way is that thing going in my mouth
shaking frozen, going to barf
hear them screeming yelling, blaming me again
shaking, frozen, so want to cry
please stop hurting me, humiiation and pain
scared, angry, so tired of this
big girl now, think i'm all that
beeten down much worse now
shaking, crying and bleeding inside.
cry for death to take me soon
shaking, crying, and dead inside

11/21/2002 8:18 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
http://groups.msn.com/HopeandHealingforAdultChildrenofAbuse/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=849
11/19/2002 7:37 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i have found that there is one trigger that will push me to acting out if i can't get out of the situation fast. personal threats of harm.it'a not that i'm "looking for a fight" it'a that i get really scared because all them years that my brother made threats to me, he eventuly fullfilled them. when i get myself out of the situation and to somepolace i know i'm safe my mind goes over all the ways i could"defend myself" thousands of sceans and scenarios. it seems that when i get stuck in a situation that i can't get out of for whatever reason then the options still play in my head with me unaware and as the situation escualtes i find myself seemingly overreactiong to the situation at hand with memories of the past. the fear for my life, or the life of someone else triggers a fight for life action. the root feeling behind all of it is fear.
8/28/2002 12:51 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i try to offset my over reactions and moods by first being aware of them and then becomeing aware of what triggers them. i try to not get myselfcornered into any situation where i have to deal with things without having a chance to think about them first. although this has proven to be hard... expessialy since right now i'm living in a house where people like to get in your face whenever they feel like it. it's defantly hard to learn to step back, not react at first and go think about it and deal with it once the mood has calmed down alittle. learning not to make disisions based on a "mood" and say things out of a "mood" is really really really hard. expessialy if someone is in your face insulting you... that's defantly my weak point.
another obstical i have to this in my current living situation is that things seem to only be delt with at the time and rarly talked about later with the conflicting partys. it's that once it's over, pretend it didn't hapen stuff. and if i try to bring it up later iwth the conflicting partys it just reopens the conflict. ofcourse my timeing for bring it back up is usaly triggered by something. and the mood is not right. but.. when people are actuly calm and not all wond up around here, it's too scarry to take the chance to "disturb the peace" this is most defantly the trademark of a dsyfunctional, abusive home. although i know some of the situations and feelings are as they are because of my own past experiances and triggers, but i do highly dought that this part would be any differnt for any non-abused, normal balanced person that would live here for any langth of time. i try to ask myself if the kids have these same fears... of "don't disturb their good mood" and i think they do. and i think this is enfored verbaly when someone tries to talk about something and gets the "don't start" attitude. ofcourse each time someone starts it is triggered in a mood as a reaction to something else. i think good communication would defantly fix alot of things. but i am not in the position that i know of to be able to start any of that. i'm to fragal myself to be the wrecking ball to try and break the communication walls. it would be nice... instead of saying "don't start" if it could be aproced differntly, like "i see that you are upset and emotionaly charged, if you go and clam yourself down then we can sit down and talk about this issue"
when things are not delt with and talked about it seems (as i am remebering my feelings as a child) that we are being punished for having the strong feelings, we are being told that the feelings are wrong, not that our aproch to deal with the feelings was wrong.
8/28/2002 9:46 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
things are going same as they have been...i thought going to work would lessein the amount of crap a had to put up with here.. but it creats probloms of it's own...
every reason that i had on my list of "why to move to new york" are slowly being disproved as ever hapening. .. maybe i'm just geting too ancy... cruling up and dieing seems like it would be a nice option.. but.. this is morening and i always feel more like this in the morning. since i work at night all my emotioal times get jam packed into the mornings... and unfortinatly mornings is when i have to deal with all the ppl in the house... it's proving to be a bad combination... but ... if i try to move out now... i will be farther in debt.. have no transportation... a large part of my hopes of moving here was that i could finaly get ahead on life. i just wish ppl wouldn't talk to me.. would just pretend i didn't exsist and not comment on anything i do. i wish it didn';t bother me so much when ppl don't like me or have problomns with what i do. i wish i didn't care what ppl think about me.. but then that would make me mean and uncaring and a whole bunch of other bad things.. but.. if i didn't care what ppl thought then i guess that wouldn't bother me either.
sometime i wonder if the universe has me repeating simular situations to my past so that i will learn how to deal with it properly, learn how to respond aproperatly, keep my temper in check and not let people's opinions about me influence my feelings about myself. with all this thinking i can find a way to belive that any negative situation is actuly good for me to experiance. is that good or bad? i'm sure leraning how to not let abuse and mistreatment effect my own self image is a good thing.. but is keeping myself in harmful situations good? and can anyone really ever not be afected by other peoples opinions? is that a real human posibility? or is that just a robot/android/vulcan fanticy.
8/27/2002 2:51 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i've tried so hard to make choices on things so that will not inconvence other people... i do alot of things i would really rather not.. like what shits to work... what times of day i choice to do things.. tones of stuff.. even how long i shower... i try my harderst to be as considerate of others as i know how.. maybe i suck at it even though i try hard. i don't know.. but.. it don't seem like anyone else trys the least to be consderate of me.. i was taught that you should do unto others as you would have them do unto you.. i try.. and it's not so much that things don't work out somothly on a daily bases... although i wish it were smother.. it makes it alot eiser for me to fuction when things are smoth and predicatble... but.. it's the attitudes i get when i am frustrated... the "you don't have the right to be frustrated you should be grateful that we let you breath our air" attitude. maybe i'm wrong.. maybe i'm reading way into things.. i don't know.. maybe my persepctives are way off... but.. i still feel hurt alot... i hate this feeling and feelings don't just go away, they can be burried somewhat but then the next time that feeling gets triggered it comes out stronger. maybe i'm wrong on this.. maybe i'm being hypacritical.. i don't know.. but it seems as everyone else is hypacritacal too.. always puting in there comments when something didn't involve them in regards to me.. i've always ried to think of myself as apeace maker... but.. it's just not working out that way... blessed are the peacemakers.... but i guess i really don't get what being a peacemaker is about since there aint much peace and trouble seems to follow me like a shadow. .. i guess i just don't get it... maybe i think too much of myself.. too self centered to really be able to get it. i've come close to thinking i wish i culd jjsut start all over agin with everyone.. but.. i really don't know what i could have dne differntly... and if i could start all over again i probaly would just be more quiet and hiden and talk less to less people.
am i disalusioned about myself? ... i know i can't change what other people do, that's why i don't try.. i just look to see what i culd do differntly, look to see what i've done wrong or anything like that... is it wrong for me to feel frustrated with things don't work out how i hoped? do i have the right to feel frustrated? am i off base on my self impression that i am considerate of others, am i disalusioned about myself on that? am i disalusioned that people don't care something inconvenances me? i've always questioned m y perspective on things... i always dreamed of having my imaginary friends be real so that they could see everything that hapened and give me a good balanced perspective on things... my mother would never talk about things after they hapened so i never got back any feedback on my feelings. i don't know who was right, who was wrong... all i have to go by is my feelings.. and i know feelings are not always the truth. i wish god was an autable voice that i could hear clearly and wouldn't have to wonder if it was him i was hearing or just my own thoughts on things... i would trust God's perspective if i could know for sure wich of all them voices was his.
8/15/2002 2:36 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
the one really bad thing about using tv to excape the abuse was seeing all them tv familys and having so much envy. chamel was really disapointed that she couldn't be the core of our system, she wanted to be something "special". during chamel's time is when we longed to be with our father and be called daddys's little prinsess like they do on tv. the times with dad were good, we remeber one very special hug. there were hard times to when dad was drinking and gave us beer and smoking and hanging with his girlfriend. our dad not paying attention to us when we were there wasn't really a hard thing for us since he still paid more attention than mother did. and sometimes we got attention from dad's girlfriend. she was nice. i think even though we only seen dad maybe 15 times in our life, i think we had more "quality time" because i can remeber my dad teaching me how to bowl, eat spagettii properly and how to dance and hear the beat in music.
my need to be special made me want to stand out more, dress differnt, be the odd one, act differnt and desire to be unique. although i also feared such things because of my mother telling me that i would stick out like a sore thumb if i did things differntly than the other kids. so.. when people tell me i'm strange it's both a complement and an insult.
the need to be special, expessialy to a male.. lacking that special father daughter relationship i had longed for... i believed lead me to alot of my probloms in my relationships with boyfriends. i wanted to be the center of attention and i was willing to do anything to keep them happy with me and keep them with me. combine the need to be specal and the message from my brother that it's women's duty to please men sexualy.. and you can see why i ended up like i did with all them relationships. even though sex was a hard thing for me, and the triggers and stuff would hurt inside... kwristeen was the alter that was trying tohave fun with sex.. that could do it with out all the icky feelings, but that still was hard because it would still trigger the rest of us.. and so many times expessialy my frirst boyfriend would comment " why each time we are finished do you have that look on your face that you just survived something horrible?"
the need to be special... lead to believing in many deliusions about myself, including believing i had special powers thoughout life. everything from super hearing, super vision, psychic abiltys, the abilty to fly and float in air, the ability to jump and stay floating for a long time. later i realize that some of these were also atributed to dissacoiation and floating above something i was disacciation from.
the need to be special i believe also played in when i became a christian and doing all the "works" i wanted to be differnt than the avrage christian, i loved being able to give my presiantaion on my mission trip and all the other things. i believed what i did is what would make me special to God, i didn't undertand that just being me, who i am made me special to him, i didn't have to do or earn anything. i still have a hard time accepting that. rebeka still wants to be involed with the works in the church to feel more special. kwristeen is special for the oposite.. for being bad, outragously weird, the black makeup and clothes and all that stuff.. just to be differnt and stand out more and for all her "powers" she worked on.. she wanted to become a healer and alot of other things. the need to be special has defantly been a modivating force in our life.
8/14/2002 5:07 PM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
as we learn more about our internal system and personalitys roles and seek to dig deeper to where the core being lives ... we are updating our system configerations.
http://groups.msn.com/HopeandHealingforAdultChildrenofAbuse/systemconfigerations.msnw
the last gfew days hero/ish has been working iwth chamel thinking that she's the closet to the core that we know about. we did some good work toghter, but chamel has admited that there is one under her that she is not supost to tell about. so now we must serch deeper. but.. in all this prosses and work chamel has come a long way. sarah got rid of some of the darks so it has freed up chamel to talk more and be able to express herself. there is still fear, but it's not as overwelming.
8/13/2002 12:01 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
3-12 daily issue… I felt like cutting.. something is getting to me that I don’t want to accept, I want to separate from. I’mmad at myself for my financial situation I am in. I am fearful that my mistakes will lead to me losing the stuff in my storage. I think the emotion I am trying to deny and separate from is failure.I need to accept that at times in my life I have failed. I have failed to line up a job in decent timing. I have failed to measure up to my highest self-image. I have failed to stay completely in control of myself. I have failed to become someone that people admire and seek advice from. I have failed to seek out god’s thoughts on things before acting upon them. I have failed to test the spirits. I have failed to love without restraint. I have failed to be the “bigger person” in conflict situations. I have failed to be financially self-sufficient. I have failed to live within my means. I have failed to rise above others negative expectations of me. I have failed to match up to whatever impression some people had about me. Yes I do realize that some of these probably were not my fought.I started to fear failure and deny my shortcomings for the first time when my brother continually called me a kindergarten reject and insisted that I would fail each year after that and if the teachers let me though it would only be because they didn’t want to have to deal with me another year. So I have strive to be a perfectionist and tried so hard to make myself look good and surround myself with people who are worse off then me to try and boost my self image by comparison. My mothers critical assessments of everything I did further pushed my stride for perfection. Everything that people say that shows any potential for any sort of flaw hurts deeply. The image I try to project is perfect and I try to hide my failures. It’s hard to accept anything less than perfect. It’s hard for me to apologize for my mistakes and even harder to do so without giving a long excuse list for my flaw, blaming others or trying to convince others why what I did wasn’t really wrong. My fear of failure also has caused me to often not really try my hardest so that if I did fail I had the excuse of, “I really didn’t put all that much effort in to it, for the amount of effort I put into it I did amazingly wonderful job.”
8/3/2002 1:46 AM Posted by fight_the_good_fight
i'm finding that the majority of my triggers and the worst of my triggers hapen to be when someone, expoessialy someone in somewhat of an athority standing treats me or talks to me like a child. this has been a handycap in living with people and in work situations. that's usaly when i'll hide, fell down on myself, undeserving of anything good and ocasionaly when it involes peaople i care about i get really angry and tell them i don't need/want them expessialy when it's something that i precive as a lack of caring on there part.
my other big trigger is when anything sexaul is implyed verbaly or in gesters, that usalyu gives me night mares that night and locks up my hip. yelling of any sort is a trigger along with angry and critical/judgmental voices. when my brother was about to do another one of his rage outburst there were sometimes warning signs like yelling, angry voice, harshly closed doors and when i failed to get out of the way on time my mother would always tell me " you know when he gets like that to just get out of the way" ofcorse mostthe time i was traped, but.. ya'll know she was a jurk. any sort of teasing or put down, expessialy anything that apreas that the person doing it is doing it seretivly so that other people don't know that they are doing it so when i tell others what's hapening they don't believe me... that's another big trigger.
i've heard it said that knowing your triggers is a very important step.. well here they are.. now what on earth do i do about them????
one thing that i get asked often when i tell people about the abuse, they always ask why i didn't tell. for the most part i thought is as normal, every adult i knew except the teachers at school was abusive to me. the beatings i got from my brother didn't seem that odd when i was geting shoved in lockers having spit wads stuck in my hair and being punched and triped all the time at school. as far as i could tell everyone in the world was exactly the same as what i seen at home. even most of my friends would say that simular things hapened at there houses. that's the only group of friends i fit in with was the other ppl that had odd houses.
now go ahead and ask the sencond most common question.... i dare ya.... "why can't you just trust people?" i'll let you answer that... it's too retorical for me to spend time on.
and how about the third most common "why are you so insecure and jumpy?"
i learned to jumpto save my life... that should be eisy enough to understand. and insecure... well i guess that's just what hapens when you have a mother that has to comment and find something wrong with every single little thing you do. hey.. heres a good hint for parents.. if your children are hiding there report cards on you that's a good hint that you are not acepting of them enough when they don't do well, that your parenting is too preformace baced and not loving enough. maybe i should write parenting magazine and let them know that one.
well anyway.. i'm going nighty night now.. just had to ramble alittle