Jan. 31, 2002
just posting to let ya'all know i havn't forgot about this page, just havn't had alot that i want to say on here. just continuing to deal with the new memories and all the emotions and stuff. the overwelming emotions is feeling vurnerable and fearfull.. and i reality i have no reson to, but don't know what else to say about that.. i think i will go back to bed now..
Jan 19, 2002
I expressed an emotion verbally to my mother today, a rather simple one, but it was a big step. a little gratitude for alittle help. she responded with criticism for all the times I failed to be able to express myself in them past. I guess we all still have a ways to go. now I face the choice, to bury this pain and add it to all the others that made me this way, or deal with it and continue to heal.
this is the choice I need to make: express myself, do not fear my feelings, do not bury, run; or let anyone take away, diminish or disregard them. do not let them control my life. let them exist without restraint, let myself remain in control to my resulting reactions, remain calm and controlled, make plans for making these situations better, and move on.
Jan. 14, 2002
as I remember more things from my past I came up with some questions, I was thinking "why did I sit in a child shrink's office for over a year and never say a word? why do I freeze up whenever I am asked questions that require personal opinion? why do new situations bother me? why do I have social anxiety, depression, and only feel like the "real me" when Im typing and writing?" then it came to me, like a bolt of lightning! my whole childhood my mother would deny my feeling, opinions and thoughts. when I was 3 and said "I wanta be a bus driver" she said "no you don't, only undereducated ppl end up with jobs like that". whenever I would cry or be hurt she would say "you not hurt, nothing is wrong" several times when she asked me "where were you, why are you late?" I would tell her what happened and she would say "what a lie. or that didn't happen". when I told my mom that my eyes were bad, and I thought I needed glasses she finally reluctantly took me to the eye doc's and said over a thousand times as we were driving there "are you sure your eyes are bad? if youre lying to me youre going to get it bad. you better not be lying" on and on, she said it so much that I started to question if my eyes really were bad, I was about to tell her "I am lying Im sorry. lets go home" just because I was scared that maybe I was wrong, and what would happen if I was. I ignored the fact that my eyes hurt, that I could barley see anything right infront of my eyes, that I had constant headaches. I was so relieved to hear the doc. Say that my eyes were horrible and that I should have had glasses 2 years ago. then one mean teacher said in front of the class to me "I don't know why you act/think your cool, you not!" it wasn't that I thought I was cool or that I was arrogant, in fact to that moment in life I didnt really care much about what ppl thought, I was just happy being a kid. this is where my social anxiety began. I stopped telling ppl what I thought/felt and wanted, I denied my own emotions. I only did and said things that I thought others wanted me to, or stuff that I had heard someone "smart" say. I knew that whatever I said just wouldn't be right. I started to hate my dad, because that's what my mom did, and she said all men are jerks, so I decided to claim the same thing. the only time I touched my real feelings were in my poems and diary, and even still allot of that was still the "act". by the time I got to college and out on my own, I had no clue who I really was. I played many roles, I was the fundamentalist Christian for a while, that was an easy one to play, I just had to repeat the stuff I read in the bible and heard in sermons. I became a pro at looking good, but none of it ever really touched "me" the self that I was forced to hid. I became convinced that since I hid so long that I no longer really existed, I had no personality. this increased the social anxiety and the depression. while only maintaining little shreds of myself in my journal writings. I see how this pattern affects who I have dated. I would only date guys that appeared to be smart/ college educated, so then I would just do as they said, I didn't have to think or use my own feelings. the first step out of this is when I applied to be a bus driver just a few months ago. I think it is my favorite job ever, just because my inner child is happy. I know this is not what I want to do my whole life, and my child knows this and is ready to move with me. slowly Im becoming who I am. I am glad to have realized this, but now what? how do I undo all this programming in my head? how do I get rid of that self-questioning voice that sounds just like my mom in my head?
jan. 10, 2002
hi all. i have alot to say, but don't know how to say it, or if i really want to go into all of it right now. i'm relizing how horable it is for me to not stick to a rutein in life, my body and mind are so out of place right now. it's one of those times in life, that if you let yourself think about it too much, you can surely convince yourself and everyone around you that you've lost it. there will be days like this... my momma didn't say it, but a cool song did. over my 2 weeks of vacation one of my "projects" has been to work on my life story and fill in some gaps. i got alittle more that i really had barganed for. it kinda feels like i'm chewing stale gum, y'know how you just have to have some gum, but all you could find was them peices between the car seats... and they taste alittle funny and just don't chew right... (descriptive enough for you imagination?) this is not a set back, it's a reality check, the reality that not all days with be worth there weight in gold, and that I, yes this is a hard truth, I am too human!
Jan. 2, 2002
don't really have anything to say today, just thought I would write something so you would all know that I am still alive. been chatting allot lately while on vacation, but havent been working on my site like I thought I would. Ive been making a list of the issues that I need to work on, like my tendency to be verbally abusive, my inability to properly express my emotions, and the anger over family situations. over vacation Ive been down for like 20 hours then hyper for 20. trying not to let it bother me too much cuz I know if I was working I probably wouldn't even have noticed it. I know there will be days in life that I will feel like Im going no where, that Ive come across a wall that I just can't scale, like I want toss the book at the wall. I just set down the book, find another wall and keep working, find a smaller thing I can do so that I will have the strength from that victory. someday I wake up and can't find the hope or the strength to carry on, but then I remember it was just yesterday that I stood in front of the mirror and say "I can do it, Im going to make it, Im going to be OK" and know that tomorrow I will feel that way again. I don't beat myself up for the bad days, I just try to relax and get threw them and think about tomorrow.
DEC. 24, 2001
Emotion: regret Current action: crying
I hoped into one of my favorite chats on msn, within seconds someone else come on and said something like "abuse really isn't that bad is it? I mean you get stronger and stuff from it" I guess I took her words wrong, I felt anger rise in me so fast and responded inappropriately. all these years my life has been screwed so bad because of the abuse I went threw, the nightmares, the low self-esteem and lack of any self-respect, the depression, the codependency, the inability to express myself and my emotions properly, the many ppl I have hurt, and many good relationships I have lost, and the many bad relationships I was willing to stick in because I couldn't stand up for myself, the disacoiating that as affected my jobs and many areas of my life. Normaly Im more controlled than this, but I just got back last night from our family Christmas gathering where I held in all my thoughts, emotions and lived in the happy smiling fake world. there are so many things I would love to be doing in life right now, and all of them not happening because of all the emotional issues I have that came from the abuse. I would love to have a kid, but I would probably end up beating it. I would love to have made it threw college, but that was destroyed the first year when I couldn't do it emotionally. It's like Im continuing to be a victim... I hate this, when will it end? when can I be what I want to be? when will this monster let go of me and let me be free?
dec. 21, 2001 Friday.
I just remembered WHY I hate Christmas. I LOVE buying gifts and giving, I HATE receiving. I LOVE getting things, but it's the whole thing of I have to have an emotional response. I just don't know how to respond. the year of self training of denial of emotions is hard to break. seeming emotionless what a survival tactic to the abuse of my childhood. the closer I get to this weekend and the family gatherings the more intense my migraines become, knowing that once again I will receive gifts, and have to try to muster up the strength to respond with a smile and a truly authentic "thank-you". Ive tried just saying it, but it looks so fake because I still can not get myself to experience the emotions. I am grateful, but I just can't be grateful. I can occasionally let go in private, but still lack the ability to do so in public. today I received flowers from the teachers at school as a "thank-you" for helping in class with the kids. I LOVE flowers, and I have always dreamed of receiving them, but yet I couldn't give a heart felt thank-you. I came home and cried because of my inability to express myself. just over a year ago this same issue caused the guy I loved to give up on me. I keep trying to convince him Im over that issue, but I know Im not. there are a few ppl that I am learning to be open with, but they are only the new ppl I meet and trust, and then it usually backfires on me later as I find out they don't like me because of my unstable emotions and multiple issues in life. I hate this, I hate it so much that I want to say that I hate myself, but that is one emotions that I gladly don't want to experience. why the hell can't I just be NORMAL? (ohops, let a little anger slip in there.. )
dec. 17 Monday. I read 2 books in the last 34 hours!! good books. Im like kinda manic/hyper, but I was able to concentrate enough to read, actually speed read. but that's cool since I used too never be able to read. Im adding a book mark to the authors of the book web page. this dude wrote his story of growing up in abuse and surviving and stuff. I found it quite encouraging.
Sunday, December 16
sorry I didn't keep up on this. lately Ive been trying to recall my past and get everything straight so I can deal with it and then put it in the past where it belongs. I had tried just ignoring stuff, but I learn that wouldn't work, from unexplained migraines, rage and mood swing, I knew the past wouldn't let me forget it. sometimes I find myself staring at a blank wall wondering what I am to do next. I have never really had professional help with my issues. Ive had meds thrown at me, but that's just professional avoidance, not help. I am planing to see my doc within this year that's almost gone, and have a physical and find out where I should start. I am getting to a great start with all my self help books. but I know I need more than that. in my most recent attempt to recall past hurts and abuses I was finally able to express some emotions along with the events. however some events I still can not connect to them emotions. I know they are there and I kn9ow they will hurt coming out, but I know they are doing way too much damage by staying in. I know this doesnt make any sense to some of you, and you may even know some ppl you live around or work with that were victims of childhood abuse. my only word of advice is encouraging them to do the healing and to be theyre for them when they need someone to cry on. I really want to have kids of my own someday, but I know without dealing with this stuff first, my rage will someday rise against them. the ppl who know me would be shocked to know how much rage I have inside me. I hide it well, yet I am always in fear that I will lose control someday. today I looked ahead in my life book. gained hope from my soon financial freedoms, and gained fear from the long healing road still ahead. it leaves a barf like taste in my mouth and causes me to get really sleepy. Ive always used sleep as an escape from many things. growing up I witnessed my mom using sleep to magically fix all the problems from the day before, once the new day came, yesterdays topics were gone. it went beyond the health way of starting each day with fresh excitement, it was starting each new day with everything from yesterday buried in the deep, forbidden to be recalled. I even got out of being grounded quite easily this way. I was never officially ungrounded, my mom just had forgot that she had grounded me. .. getting sleepy...
dec. 11th. tue.
check this out!!! Ive done allot on my pages today. and I added likes to all my pics and filled in the links page. I love accomplishing goals. now I just have to get back to my housework goals. Im letting my priorities slip again. I try to reward myself with something I like or want to do (like building my web site, chatting, eating out.. et.) after Ive done something I need to do, like the housework... it's a good setup, just sometimes I ignore my rules I have set for myself. I set the rules because I know if I don't get the housework done and other such thinks, I will get depressed when I look at them, and that little voice will start in on me "your lazy, your no good, you can't even keep you place clean, " ect... I love it when I come back with "oh yea? watch this!!!" and get it all done. but then theres them time I respond "yea, I am trash, I come from trash and I will only create trash. I can never do anything right... et..." so to try and save me from this ordeal I try to schedule my time and force myself to do what needs to be done even when I don't want to. you might be thinking "she must have grew up in a strict home" but acutely I had NO structure, no responsibilities and almost no rules growing up. it was fun and laid back, but I never learned how to handle things. so with my entering "the real world" theres one more lesson to add to the truckload. and ppl actually wondered WHY I was having a major breakdown at age 19... I praise God for giving me the will to FIGHT!
well, here I am, working on filling in the web page. I just added a poem I wrote on my gibberish journal. my current events right now are all centered around healing from my past and destroying the bad patterns in my life. it's kinda a spiritual journey in which I hope to find myself in the end at the place were all my hopes dreams and goal meet. Im fighting for my life, for my self-worth, for my fight to become anything I want. who am I fighting? more like what! Anxieties, depression, moodiness, PMS, all those evil voices, negative thought patterns, and negative ppl in my life. it's not an easy fight, but it's one I must fight. it's life or death. I choice life.
today I drank some apple juice, that's on my list of things to avoid. not only is my tummy feeling horrible, Im also feeling irritated and easily raged. for information on blood type diet, see my links.
