Bathwater baby

My faith was like the baby in the bathwater, when it got too furstrating that it wasnt working it all got tossed out. but the baby want real, it was a lego sculpture that i tried to build myself and breath life into. when i tossed it all out the legos shattered apart. when the time became right God had me go start colecting the peices and start to rebuild according to His plan. when all the peices got put where He wanted them, He breathed into this baby and i was given new life.
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RE: From bki.dream@gmail.com

It seems the current lessons are to break me of my remaining self-sufficent toughness. im not doing to well at surrendering to that... i was only ever loved for what i could do and never for who i was. my feeling thoughts and moods were always unacceptable behaviors, so its very hard to let anyone into this place in me that has been condemed as a waste land for so long. the walls of toughness stand tall and thick, but God has been knocking out some bricks one by one. unforently everything that has built up on this side of the wall is really ugly, smelly and intense. so as this sewage starts to leak out it effects those around me in what i have been taught as negative ways. im so afraid of losing tender relationships, i really never learned proper social stuff, it was all bad messages of shame.

Social difficulties perspective from a girl living in a closet.

Living from one extreme to the other is such a destructive cycle; it destroys not only ourselves but also the relationships around us. Even harder is learning how to stop it. knowing where to draw the lines, knowing what is the baby and what is the bath water, because it if were as easy as picking up a baby then this cycle wouldn’t have been going this long. There is so much confusion and mixed messages and reading into all the wrong things. I wish I could read the language the instruction manual was written in. but maybe that’s the problem, I’m trying to figure it out logically because I’m so afraid to feel from my heart because of how much pain is there. The longer I live the more it feels like all the "education" I had has no real value. maybe that because my life was overly stressed with education and there was no balance, it was all about getting smart and proving one’s self... and now that mentality is nothing but destructive to every good thing God is giving me. I guess God really is remaking me, I guess the need to die to self and be born again is truly very important. I think about all the social rules my mother tried to teach me... with her social anxieties included... this is where I have to sort out what is what, and on my own power, I am clueless. if you ask my friends they would say that I don't care at all about the social rules, that's because the only time they see me is when I toss out everything and get brave enough to go against all my mother’s rules... when I’m living under my mother’s rules I am hiding in a closet crying that no one knows that I’m crying and no one helps me even though they have no way of knowing because it's socially unacceptable to ask and be needy. I don't know how to make peace with these two waring sides of me. I don't know how to find the middle ground. I have no clue what the balance looks like. But God knows. and so many things I have learned from God, yet this social stuff is slightly different because I can't learn it from sitting in a closet with my bible talking to God, there has to be social experiences happening, that means I have to step outside and risk the hurts to myself and risk that I’m going to hurt my friends. I don't like risks, I live so cautiously... except when I toss out all my mother’s rules... then I’m reckless and dangerous... then I do hurt people and just run and cry in my closet again. I don't know if "normal non-abused" people go through this, but I know most abuse survivors do unless they had some person in their life that really showed them the ropes of this stuff. Living life so locked in these patterns, never experiencing true freedom, tossing it all out isn't the same as true freedom. Sitting down and reading a list of rules of social things doesn’t help, I’ve tried that... it just added more shame and guilt. I think I need to approach it from the opposite side, removing one rule at a time. Living from the heart is hard, very hard. It’s hard to stay here and not put up my defenses whenever there is a potential offense. I live behind so many walls and fences and all these things that divide my soul and keep me from being whole. And I wish it could just all be changed instantly and at once, I wish I could just forget the past and have everything be healed, but it doesn’t work like that. I should know, I think I’ve tried it more times than most people; my stubborn strong will has been hard at work. trying to please everyone yet trying to find freedom for myself... two extremes that keep me from focusing on what God wants... and I’m not claiming I know what that is, I’m still searching and breaking down one wall at a time to get a clearer picture, because from where I sit in this fleshly human condition I can never fully know or fully understand, but unless I start working on one thing at a time I will forever be completely blinded. I’m sure people will read this and think I’m nuts and wonder why it's so hard and what the big deal is about... either they haven’t had the same experience or they are not yet to the place that they can understand this yet, so if ya don't get it, just don't judge. Just listen, and keep listening and maybe I will eventually be able to put it in terms you can understand. Words are not my strong point, when I’m typing it gets easier, but speaking is almost impossible. That has to do with this closet I live in far away from social contacts. I need this healing so bad, so please forgive me when I break the rules, when I get desperate and needy, and also when I pull away and hide and become too scared to say what is wrong. out of sight out of mind is probably worse than in your face and annoying, please don't be afraid to pry into my world when I’m pushing away, in a way that still respects my space, I may keep trying to hide but I will know that you care and that you love me. I will still be trying to figure out how much I can really trust, and that is a long process to earn my trust. And while you are working on that I will also be working on learning how to give mercy, because in my child like mind I can only trust you if you do everything perfectly. Maybe that's because of what seemed to be the expectation of me for so long, I was only acceptable when I was being perfect, adorable, cute, helpful, loveable... I was never accepted when I was emotional or unpleasant. and I am learning that I have to allow God to accept me in those times before I can accept than anyone else can me accepting on me then. my view of God is tainted by how adults in authority in my life treated me so it really takes a long time for me to get a clear picture of who God is and His true character, and yes I’m studding that and allowing God to give me the experiences to help me see that it is true. Healing cannot come unless I am doing this part, the me and God part. No one can fix me or heal me, but God can use very special people in my life at the right times to help me understand what I need to know. And I can easily lose the balance of that and start to think it's all about the people when it's really all about God because all the hurts were about people, God didn't hurt me, people did. And it seems odd to think that something other than the source of pain can heal the pain, but truly, that's the only thing that can. So all the co-dependant enablers are only going to cause me to get worse and not better. Please don't try to help an abuse survivor unless you are closely walking in step with the Holy Spirit and seeking God's wisdom knowledge and understanding on every step. Usually what people see and try to figure out from what they see is opposite of the truth, because what I show is overcompensating for the lies I believe, so when I’m trying to make everyone happy and going to the ends of the earth to do so, what people see is a meddling annoying person that is in it for themselves that doesn’t seem to care about the needs of others. This is true on so many things, this is why it takes so long to get to the truth of things, because even I knowing the truth requires an awareness of such things that only God can give. Healing cannot happen outside of God, coping, yes maybe, but not healing.