FW: Separation

ive been wanting to study more about how the shepherd leads and protects sheep... seems like everytime i hear something about it, it is such a good lesson. there are so many things i want to study more... i want to hurry up and learn so i can get past my flaws faster... but when im learning im whinning about how harsh the lessons are. ive carried the christian lable since i was 13 ... other than a few years of unitarian wican and a few other self made creative names ... yet i still feel like such a baby christian in so many ways. its like im learning everything again with new eyes... everything i thought i knew about God and life and everything... He is the potter and He does break us down and build us back up... i spent time on potters wheels... if ya take too long making a vase then the bottom dries out and flys off the wheel... its back to square one with re wetting all the clay and mixing it all togther again... its a very messy job... everything within 5 foot of the wheel gets covered in the slop water that keeps the clay wet... i can picture other vases and things waiting to be made getting anoyed at the slop mess comming from the vase on the wheel... i can hear the vase being sensitive and crying about the ugly mess it is creating in the potters hands... all the slop that gets splashed on the bystanders... to be a bystander... splashed by mud... no real change happening in their own shape and probaly feeling like they dont have a chance of being more than they are... stuck... splashed apon when they are trying their hardest to keep themselves clean... since it is all up to themselves at that time since they have not put themselves in the potters hands... they are broken pottery laying around waiting.. their peices scattered... trying themselves to protect what is left of themselves. shatter... hopeless... i spent a lot of my life in that spot. i still keep triping over myself thinking its up to me to fix and preserve myself... genneraly its been taking 2 weeks with each lesson ... 2 weeks before i relize i have to put it in Gods hands compleatly... 2 weeks to get through the steps and backsteps and the whole dance before surender. the roller coaster of it all... it gets to be a long werry road and i want that instant matrix style download so i can jump up and know how to do all the kung foo instantly... and sometimes God does simular to that with grace and wisdom... i can drive myself beyond crazy second guessing myself then when im sure of something i drive myself crazy thinking everyone else is second guessing me. i love it when im in the spirit... but then i wonder what everyone else is thinking of me and if they aprove... its like i need reasurance all the time... my mother never did the reasurance and good job stuff... she thought it would give me a big head.... so instead i have this whillwind of insanity to fight in my head. and i dont even know why im going on with all this right now... i guess its a menstral mood thing or something... im just so amazed at everything i see God doing... i did photography for a vbs 2 years ago... the little bracelett i still ware i got from there says "watch for God" at first i had to really look hard to see Him... i knew He was there but i wasnt experiancing Him... now im experiancing Him in so many overwhelming ways. i still feel so unworthy to be a part of Him. i still feel ppl look at my flaws and think im not a part. i know the trials im going through are to secure me in Him. i know the whispers in my ear from the devil that im just an anoying step child that isnt really wanted ... im just an obligation to Him... not really loved... God is breaking all that and healing all that so the devils arrows can no longer peirce my un armored heart. i know im still a pain in the butt to many ppl... but He is healing that too... i hope... i hope i get it right eventually... i hope i dont anoy too many ppl in the process... i have gone through so many sets of friends... so many groups of ppl... manybe they didnt get as tired of me as i thought they did... maybe i ran before giving them a real chance... maybe i wasnt ready for a real chance. i am now... but i worry that if something bad does happen that i wouldnt be able to handle another fail... but im seeing that God is there to catch me... and He provides the stranth to get through anything... but i dont want to have to go through everything... but the refining makes things more pure... more pure... i was so unpure... so unclean... i dont know how God can really get all those stains out... He is God... so he can do anything... but why does he bother with such messes... why does He keep holding on to things so dfar gone... He sees potental... is it possible that He really loves me that much to really see me through all this... thats a lot of junk to wade through... yet He keeps picking me up out of it every time... everytime i ran back to the swamp because i felt it was all i deserved.... He waited for the right time to offer me His hand to pull me back out. He waited till i desiered so much to be out of that muck that i would choice to ignore that lier that kept telling me that it was all that i deserved... with all the hope i could muster up to barly whisper out to Him for help... He was there. and even though i often feared He would drop me and leave me in the muck... i had to just stay with Him and give Him that chance... He keeps proving time and time again that He is faithful... trustable, dependable... how many time i wouldnt give anyone a chance... the first sign of troubles i would run... fearfull of abandonment... thinking if i cut the string first then it wouldnt hurt as bad. i need to get this story out to all those still there... all those still not sure that God will be faithful, all those beliving that they dont deserve the Love He has for them. i know abuse survivors are in that spot... but many others are too that grew up in fairly normal homes... anyone who questioned if they are loveable... ever... im guessing that is everyone at some point in their life. and i know many of those ppl walk around churches calling themselfs christians and dressing like one and talking like one as best as they know how... hoping that they will look enough like one to be grafted into Gods love... hoping they can do enough and be enough... they are the goats... and the marths and eores and the bobs... and all the other names we put on them... they are also the perfect looking family that seems to have it all togther. lets get real and help eachother heal.